Quora: Could it be that most of the people complaining about being abused by a narcissist are....

Could it be that most of the people complaining about being abused by a narcissist are in fact the narcissist who is projecting?

 

Possible, but not likely. Many, but not ‘most.’

Scott Ryan answered this question with an observation that all human beings are capable and often guilty of projection; it’s not just a narcissistic trait, it’s a human trait. Especially in times of high emotions, such as illness, death, a job loss, a break-up with a friend or romantic partner, it’s very common to blame the other party for all of the wrongdoing. It’s a primitive defense mechanism that is often the first go-to response for any high-emotion event. I do think most people do this, at some point or another in life.

It is a mark of maturity to be able to stop projecting and see ones own flaws and mistakes clearly and then use those negative experiences to learn and improve oneself. A narcissist is simply not capable of doing this. They are forever stuck in the ‘primitive defense mechanism’ stage of reaction and response, blaming all of the problems in their situation on someone else and never taking responsibility or acknowledging any mistakes.

I have personally seen and heard a narcissistic abuser co-opt the language of mental illness therapy, addiction & recovery in order to demonize their targets and paint themselves as victims. It is very effective, and you are right to view any online presence with a healthy bit of skepticism; after all, narcissists are excellent at crafting an attractive and interesting facade, and having a veneer of knowledge or expertise that they use to draw people in to their circle of flying monkeys.

Social media is an almost perfect narcissist tool for that reason; followers only get to see what the narcissist shows them and there is often no way to independently verify what the narc says about themselves, nor refute the negative smears against their long list of enemies. It’s wise not to take everything you see online at face value.

Another trick of abusers is the DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender: “I didn’t steal the cookie, you are a lying scumbag, it was my cookie to start with and you stole it!” (screamed/cried at top volume while spewing cookie crumbs from their mouth and wiping cookie crumbs off of their shirt with one hand, and the other hand still in YOUR cookie jar)

And of course there are narcissists who get off on luring in new supply by telling the sad story of all the old supplies who betrayed them, did them wrong, hurt them terribly, and left them high and dry. This tactic works especially well for female narcissists. There are so many ‘White Knights’ who love to hear the story of a ‘damsel in distress’ and come running to help, never realizing that she is actually a dragon in disguise.

What you need to look for in terms of pathology is a pattern of behavior. If you meet someone and it’s just one sad hard-luck ‘someone did me wrong’ story after another after another, if all of their life’s failures and all of their unhappiness is the result of other people hurting them, you may have found a narcissist. If a person can identify their own mistakes and their own wrong-doing, talk about what they learned from a bad experience, what they plan to do better, and if you actually observe them taking responsibility for themselves, learning, growing, changing, and doing better, then it’s likely that they are not a narcissist.

But, yes, approach all online personas with caution and take a ‘wait and see’ attitude towards any hard luck story you may read or hear from someone you do not know well. Narcissists press for instant bonding, instant intimacy, and instant gratification; withholding aid and judgement until such time as you know someone better is prudent—not just with narcissists but in all new relationships. A normal person will understand and be satisfied with a longer period of getting to know and trust one another. A narcissist will see that you aren’t an easy mark, and will move along to someone who is more gullible and willing to provide supply.

Thanks for the interesting question! I hope my answer helps.

==========================================


Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.