evile

In a way, I think feeling pity for someone who is obviously defective is a very noble idea; it shows that you are the bigger person, that you can empathize with whatever made them into the heartless and soulless person you see, and honestly, it does seem like a really awful existence—going from one ‘best friend,’ ‘perfect lover,’ ‘perfect job,’ to the next to the next to the next, as they all lose their shine and ‘betray’ the narcissist by not being perfect, after all.

The day to day drama, emotional explosions, conflicts, shifting allegiances, the idealize-devalue-discard and all the fussing and fighting in between, all of it looks exhausting and miserable to a normal person. How could a person with a heart and soul look at a person going through the constant turmoil and strife and suffering and NOT feel pity?

However, I caution against involving yourself, or enabling the narcissist in any way. What they do to each of their targets, they will also do to anyone who openly pities and tries to help them. Believe me, you don’t want to get sucked into the hard luck story, try to rescue, and become the next demonized ex (friend/lover/boss/whatever) once the narcissist has gotten everything they can from you.

Pema Chodron describes this enabling as “Idiot Compassion” [1]

It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it’s what’s called enabling. It’s the general tendency to give people what they want because you can't bear to see them suffering.

If you do feel pity for such a person, I commend you for having a kind soul and for recognizing that the narcissist is suffering. I also strongly suggest that there is nothing you can do for the narcissist that will be healthy or healing for them, or good for you. Your compassion for a destructive individual suffering from NPD would be like pouring pure fresh water into the ocean in hope of purifying the ocean enough to make it drinkable. It’s not going to happen. They will suck up all of your kindness to no avail, and continue to batter against the rocks, wreck ships, and flood the homes of anyone trying to live close to them. Best to observe from a distance, acknowledge your feelings without feeling a need to act upon them, and make your own safe place far away from the narcissist.

Footnotes

[1]

Idiot Compassion and Mindfulness

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