Quora: Can intermittent reinforcement be used for controlling narcissists?

 Sometimes people need a serious reality check; it may be that they’ve been in a toxic relationship for so long that their expectations and desires of what is a normal healthy relationship have been distorted beyond recognition. I think this may be the case with the person asking this question. And here is your reality check: NO!!

Normal adult human beings do not control one another in relationships. Normal adult human beings control themselves and communicate their needs and expectations to one another in a mature and mutually respectful fashion. Normal adult human beings in relationships care about one another’s feelings and needs and do what is healthy for themselves and for the relationship in order to help their relationship partners feel heard and cared for, without coercion or manipulation.

Intermittent Reinforcement is an animal training technique. You do not train human beings as though they were animals. That is not a path to a healthy relationship between adults.

If you are in a relationship where you have asked for what you need, expressed your thoughts and feelings regarding your partner’s behavior in a healthy and direct way, and your partner has not expressed any concern about your feelings, nor changed their behavior to indicate that they respect your feelings, it is time to remove yourself from the relationship.

The only person you should be trying to control is yourself. If you want to experiment with animal training techniques, get a pet and work with a professional to train your new pet.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

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Quora: I'm unsure if I'm an empath only or a narc and empath. Is it possible to be both?

Todd, I'm unsure if I'm an empath only or a narc and empath. Is it possible to be both?

Narcissism is a mental health disorder. It can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional. There are a lot of online tests and quizzes to see if you are a narcissist, but they may or may not be valid depending on the source. It is best to get a diagnosis from a mental health professional if you are concerned that you have a mental illness.

That being said, most (if not all) narcissists do not believe there is anything wrong with them. It is part of their sickness that they see themselves as blameless victims in all circumstances, and the bad things that happen in their lives are always seen as someone else’s fault and someone else’s responsibility. So, if you are concerned that you may be a narcissist, the fact that you’re worried about it makes it is almost 100% certain that you are not a narcissist.

Narcissists do have a keen perception of people’s emotions, because they need to be able to manipulate emotions in order to feed themselves. They may call this ‘empathy’ as a form of manipulation in order to recruit tender-hearted advocates and white knights (aka ‘flying monkeys’) with their concocted tales of woe and persecution. Rest assured that their sensitive and tender feelings are simply an act to manipulate others rather than any genuine feeling for other people.

Empathy, as opposed to Narcissism, is not a mental health diagnosis or disorder. The quality of being “empathic” is a human trait that all normal people have to some degree or another. It is simply the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and feel what they might be feeling given whatever circumstances. It is the ability to know, understand, and act from recognizing other people as feeling beings who have the same rights to health, happiness, and well-being that you have.

So, within this framework, let’s say that Normal Person A and Narcissist B come across a crying child on the sidewalk outside their home. There is an empty ice cream cone in the child’s hand and a melted blob of ice cream on the sidewalk. A will see the child, and instantly be able to understand the feelings of the child by knowing how they would feel if it was their ice cream that had fallen down. B the narcissist, on the other hand, would not see the child as a person, or a person with feelings, or even see an opportunity to help, but possibly as an opportunity to gain attention for themselves. B might make a show of buying the child a new ice cream, if there are people watching who might praise them for doing that, or they might scold the child for being noisy and ruining B’s afternoon walk, or they might rant and rave to their followers about how spoiled and entitled 'some children' are,  just depending on what the narc’s need for supply is at that moment. The child’s needs or well-being do not enter into B’s calculations. B is all about "how can I use this situation for my own benefit?"--do I want to be seen and praised as a kind person, do I want to be seen and praised as a clever snarky childfree person,  or some calculation along the lines of  'does that kid or their caregiver have something I need or want that I can get by behaving a certain way?'

As far as “Empaths,” where people use the definition to mean someone who is so sensitive to the feelings of others that their emotional state is changed simply by standing next to someone else….I believe that is either a codependent person, or a person who believes in some sort of new-age baloney, or perhaps both. I am also wary of people who self-identify as being “an empath” because a lot of those people seem to be drama addicts, for whatever reason. Either codependent or narcissist personalities, would be my guess.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.