2973icq w/a

Feb. 22, 2005

 

 

evile: phone duty today :) I leave at 3!
SkyeDS: cool :D
evile: Yup. I need it :P
SkyeDS: yesterday was good time off tho wasn't it?
evile: um. Not really, but Ok.
evile: Mom felt sick, so we didnt' do much of anything other than see
the movie.
evile: Then Rubber_Pig called Aunt L & Uncle B's and started talking about
lovely things like vaginal mucus and telling Aunt L & Mom what herbs
she was taking to induce herself. Doesn't want to wait until the Dr.
has it scheduled.
evile: and then today on LJ I find out that our Monday girls nights
have gotten a reputation for being unfriendly and cliquish and
exclusionary...from someone who doesn't even know anybody in the
group all that well, except for 1 person!
SkyeDS: anybody I know (from LJ maybe)?
SkyeDS: I was wondering what family stuff happened this weekend
(after onyxlynxx referenced it)
SkyeDS: besides, I take some umbrage at "exclusionary"
SkyeDS: why shouldn't we have the right to be occasionally
exclusionary?
SkyeDS: I don't see what's wrong with that.
evile: http://www.livejournal.com/users/purplerifka/71989.html
evile: I think the problem is that she considers people friends who
consider her to be an acquaintance, at best.
SkyeDS: I find it useful to delineate between "friendly" and "friend"
evile: She unloads major amounts of TMI the very first time she meets
somoene,and then assumes that since they know so much about her, they
MUST be friends.
SkyeDS: oh well. you can't control reputation, all you can control
is character.
evile: to my way of thinking, simply because you chose to sit in
front of me and tell me your sexual orientation/history, childbirth
stories, and so on and so forth, does not mean you know ME. it means
you monopolized my attention for a few hours, that's it.
SkyeDS: this is so reminiscent of high school
SkyeDS: and I busted my ass to get as far the hell away from high
school and to University as fast as my fat ass could. actually it
wasn't fat at the time.
evile: Just because I know someoen's life story (whether I asked or
not!) does not mean I am their friend. And really....why would we
choose to include someone who is so intent on talking and not letting
anyone else talk in a social gathering?
evile: I'm sorry she's lonely, I'm sorry she wants more friends, but
our gatherings are not about the great and wonderful Rifka show.
SkyeDS: if I wanted to go to any particular gathering, I'd go about
it in one of two ways
SkyeDS: a) go with someone I know goes already (preferred)
SkyeDS: b) show up on my own by myself (although I just don't like
doing things by myself in general)
SkyeDS: how hard is that? "Hey, evilE, can I do (whatever) with you
next time you go?"
evile: she wasn't invited, she invited herself.
SkyeDS: I fear rejection too much to invite myself generally speaking
evile: That is the main crux of this. She found out about it from
Terri, and then assured Terri that she was friends with everyone in
the group. Terri assumed from there that she actually WAS friends,
and things just got bad from there.
SkyeDS: I don't understand why she didn't just ask to go with
whomever it is she knows that already goes.
SkyeDS: Lynne must be Markus' wife?
evile: The problem is she didn't ask the person at whose house the
gathering ws being held, she lied to someone who was invited and got
invited
evile: Lynne?
SkyeDS: as in terriblelynne
evile: no.
evile: Markus' wife is tsarren
SkyeDS: thought she might be because of the traveling with Markus
reference
evile: terriblelynne is Terri
SkyeDS: OH, gotcha
SkyeDS: makes better since now
SkyeDS: sense
evile: It put Terri in a bad place, because Terri was then guilty of
bringing someone uninvited, unknown into someone's home.
SkyeDS: you've gotta hate that
evile: Terri should have asked, but then again, if someone who is
normally a trustworthy adult tells her flat out "onyxlynxx's my
friend,"...why would you assume she was lying and double check with
onyxlynxx?
SkyeDS: like the recrimination I got from Kaleon after that night we
went over there to see about the injured bird.
evile: You didn't introduce him to me, so I didn't talk to him. I
assumed some sort of s/m protocol was in place.
SkyeDS: he was being bashful as he always is around new people (that
aren't in some group that he's comfortable with, ie gaming, anime or
whatever)
SkyeDS: and you can be quite overwhelming sometimes
SkyeDS: and you made him cry
SkyeDS: which isn't hard
SkyeDS: and this was my fault
evile: no, I did not make him do anything. He cried.
SkyeDS: exactly
SkyeDS: everybody needs to own their own shit.
evile: If he had been introduced to me, I would have spoken to him.
Since I was following your lead in ignoring him, I don't really feel
I did anything wrong.
SkyeDS: we all know I"m not good about introductions
SkyeDS: if I didn't formally introduce him (I don't even remember
now) it's because I"m socially inept.
evile: If he decided to cry about it, that was his deal.
SkyeDS: so, she managed to get herself there one way or another, and
it went badly.
evile: I don't know, I wasn't there, but apparently it was pretty
uncomfortable.
evile: because all the people she professed to be 'friends' with have
met her once or twice and really dont' know her that well, and didn't
feel comfortable talking candidly around her.
SkyeDS: sounds like Kim Green or Alex Wadleigh trying to force
themselves into what they perceive to be "inner circles."
SkyeDS: look.
SkyeDS: I live an hour away, from Austin, from Georgetown.
SkyeDS: when I leave HFS I almost always get something to eat on the
way home.
SkyeDS: on occasion, actually it used to be frequently for a while
there with Barad Duin
SkyeDS: Kelly and the kids would come with, and we'd go to Chuy's for
a number of reasons
SkyeDS: and then all the sudden EVERYBODY wanted to come with,
including the then officers of Barad Duin
SkyeDS: and when Brother A and Kim made officer, they wanted to come too
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: and I did NOT want to share a dinner table with either of them
evile: yup
SkyeDS: them's just the facts of life
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: I know I rub a LOT of people that way, they don't want to
share a dinner table with me
SkyeDS: so you try your best not to rub people that way, try your
best to spend time with people who don't rub you that way, and keep
on learning and keep on moving right along.
evile: This woman is chronically late, a complete drama queen, and
never listens, only talks. I really dont' WANT to be her friend. I'm
sorry, but I don't have any more room in my life for people like that.
SkyeDS: you should have every right to exclude people
SkyeDS: I got into the definition of a tribe or a village with a
little teenie Wiccan once
SkyeDS: I did not choose my Blood, nor my family
SkyeDS: My friends are my Chosen Family, and I have control over
that, thank you very much
evile: I figure if we meet up at a coffee shop or bookstore, she can
feel free to show up or not, and we can feel free to leave. But when
it comes to who we have in our homes, that's up to each hostess, and
everyone should ALWAYS ask before bringing someone who may not be
known or liked by everyone else invited.
SkyeDS: exactly so
SkyeDS: I wouldnt' even have taken Kaleon over there had it not been
of some urgency re the bird and we were on our way to dinner
SkyeDS: we didn't just bring sonar0m to Thanksgiving without asking.
evile: similarly, if you can read someone's locked post in LJ
discussing gals night, you should consider yourself invited and
should not need an ingraved personal invite.
SkyeDS: one would think so.
evile: I know that onyxlynxx and Mhave standing plans that do not
include me, or anyone else. That is their right. I do not consider
them to be excluding me or anythng else. that's their time, it's fine.
evile: I don't see how somoene who considers themselves 'poly' can
NOT understand that someone can spend time with you, and with others,
and maybe not you and others at the same time, but still love you all
equally?
SkyeDS: from my observations from the outside in, there are a whole
lot of them that aren't exactly well adjusted to the lifestyle
evile: and just because T loves R, does not mean that everyone who
loves T loves R?
SkyeDS: expecting one's friends to all be friends, and one's enemies
to be one's friends' enemies, doesn't work.
evile: nope.
SkyeDS: one of many reasons I am not an innate hostess
SkyeDS: is because all that interpersonal political protocol is
completely beyond me
SkyeDS: it is a subtle science and exact art that I have no grasp of
whatsoever
SkyeDS: and all the admiration in t he world for people who do
evile: I just throw people together, sometimes it works, sometimes it
doesnt
SkyeDS: I am the weirdest of all my weird friends, a nd I"m too
scared to throw them all together at the same time
SkyeDS: "The Bishop and Henry [Professor Henry Higgins] in the same
room at the same time? Heavens, No! I should be excommunicated!" ~
Henry Higgin's mother, My Fair Lady
evile: heh
SkyeDS: well hopefully the drama will dissipate quickly
SkyeDS: I am still concerned about the family drama.
evile: I hope so. onyxlynxx is about to post something eminently
sensible, tactful, and crystal-clear in her LJ about all of this.
evile: If Rubber_Pig kills that baby with her herbs, hopefully that will
be the end of it.
SkyeDS: surely she's not taking emmenogogues to induce labor
(abortifacients)
evile: I really really really really really really dont' want to
think/talk much about it. It makes me sick and homicidal.
SkyeDS: no bad energy between you, K and/or Aunt L I hope (all I
really care about anyway)
evile: *shrug* stupid misunderstanding re: what mom was feeling up
for left everyone feeling like yesterday was wasted.
SkyeDS: sorry :|
evile: and then Rubber_Pig's call was pretty much the nail in the coffin.
evile: she started with babbling at Aunt L about all her discharges and
herbs and bla bla, and Aunt L (having no interest in such) passed her
off to Mom, and apparently Rubber_Pig didn't backtrack or start over, just
kept on with whatever she'd been saying, so Mom had no idea what was
going on, and neither did Aunt L. Something about the Dr. wanting to
induce Friday if Rubber_Pig hadn't gone into labor earlier,and Rubber_Pig
taking various herbs to try and induce herself. Aunt L heard 'black
cohosh' but didn't remember any of the others.
SkyeDS: black cohosh is an emmenogogue and abortifacient. bad idea.
evile: the baby is big enough to live outside the womb, assuming sh
ejust induces contractions and that's it. Many of the herbs for
inducing menstruation are also toxic to fetuses, however.
SkyeDS: exactly
evile: here is my tactful way of trying to talk about rifka's
misunderstanding/exclusion: I think Rifka is a very open hearted
person who decides very quickly on who she likes and is friends with,
while the rest of us are a little more reserved and not as quick to
admit new people into our 'inner sanctum'...right or wrong, Rifka
comes right out and tells you everything about herself and assumes
that since you now know everything, you are now her friend. And
that's just not the way most people work.
SkyeDS: nods
evile: I *am* trying with this tact thing.
SkyeDS: I think Sharjinka was EXCEEDINGLY tactful, specially for her,
this Sun
evile: oh?
SkyeDS: the same guy set me off too
evile: who was it?
SkyeDS: I don't remember his name either.
SkyeDS: he came in a group that included a friend named Dani
evile: hm. NO clue.
SkyeDS: I edited out the details of what he said that squicked me
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: which were considerable in number
evile: wow....
SkyeDS: every time he opened his mouth he said something about
Arabians that was just laughable
evile: oh dear.
SkyeDS: it would have amused me no end to see Jinx apply the Fist
of Death
evile: heh. I'm surprised you didn't laugh him out of the park when
he blathered on with no knowledge of his topic.
SkyeDS: I wanted to, but that's bad
evile: *nod* sounds like this guy needed some taking-down. It can be
done without necessarily being 'bad'.
SkyeDS: not be me
evile: heh.
SkyeDS: I was able to keep my mouth shut, didn't feel I had control
of my face, so I left
evile: hehe.
SkyeDS: he did very obviously think he was all that
evile: and hygeinically challenged at that. wow.
SkyeDS: physically he might have been all that if he weren't
hygienically challenged
SkyeDS: I fortunately did not get close enough to him to notice the
lack of hygiene
SkyeDS: I was mounted the entire afternoon except for trips to girls
room
evile: good idea :)
SkyeDS: I did make one observation that probably came off as me being
stand offish, know it all ish, or whatever, but I really don't care.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: when he said all of his arabs were black, I didn't say
anything
SkyeDS: balck is the rarest of all arab colors
SkyeDS: to have one is exceptional
SkyeDS: to have an entire herd, well. not bloody likely.
SkyeDS: when he said all his arabs had witches eyes, I didn't ask,
what the hell is that?
evile: ???
SkyeDS: when he said, all my arabs are bigger than yours
SkyeDS: I raised an eyebrow
evile: heh.
SkyeDS: Mirage is an Egyptian, and quite large for an Arab
SkyeDS: there are larger Arabs than egyptians, called Shagya, and
EXEEDINGLY rare
SkyeDS: as in, more rare, and more guarded, than Lippis.
SkyeDS: +c excuse me
evile: do you think he knew this?
SkyeDS: so then he says, they have Shire in them
SkyeDS: of course not
SkyeDS: well, if they've got Shire in them, they're not Arabians
SkyeDS: they're "crosses" or "half" - industry standard term
SkyeDS: you don't present a horse to someone that's part Shire, part
Arab, and say, this is an Arab
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: so I observed that as far as the Registry is concerned,
that's a half arab, not a pure bred
SkyeDS: he shot back "three quarters"
SkyeDS: and I said, the REgistry doesn't register 3/4s
SkyeDS: they register full, an d half.
SkyeDS: I didn't feel th eneed to mention t hat Rag isn't registered
at all.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: anyway, he was just visiting so hopefully we won't see much
of him in future
evile: what was his home park/kingdom/whatever?
SkyeDS: I don't know. Dani has moved to Irvine
SkyeDS: I extricated myself from his company as quickly as possible
and stayed away
evile: Oh, ok.
SkyeDS: typically I hate people who nitpick, and I hate it when I do
it
SkyeDS: but I hate people who purport to know what they obviously
don't, perhaps even more
evile: I'm never sure what people who lie that outrageously expect to
accomplish.
SkyeDS: "big shot" syndrome, they want front page bold type, white
hot spotlight (billy joel)
evile: I guess if you're just going to show up once somewhere, you
can say what you like, but that's no way to build a long term, real
friendship with anyone.
SkyeDS: arguing with a fool makes it impossible for people to tell
which is which, Lincoln, I think
SkyeDS: I think had I gone past the one observation I would have
embroiled myself in an argument. I probably shouldn't have said what
I did.
evile: Oh well. Nobody's perfect. :)
SkyeDS: we had a delightful time once everybody left and discovered
an ideal restaurant, so Sunday really was lovely all told
evile: I'm glad.
evile: onyxlynxx is awesome. She says things so much better than I could
ever dream of doing.
SkyeDS: I have the highest admiration and respect for onyxlynxx :)
evile: winning the raffle will give me an excuse not to do girls
night for a while. And since Rifka historically has issues with
punctuality and funds, I doubt she'll be showing up at bellydance
class.
SkyeDS: I think you would do quite well at belly dance if you weren't
self conscious about it
SkyeDS: I heard about dance therapy where everyone is blindfolded to
overcome that
evile: I am a complete lummox, a big fat klutz.
SkyeDS: you play tennis.
evile: I have absolutely ZERO coordination, I can't do different
things with my arms and legs at teh same time.
evile: I am not GOOD at tennis, I merely run around and chase a ball
with a stick.
evile: If I were trying to look Graceful playing tennis, I could not
play at all.
SkyeDS: Acadiana dances, and so does Traci (Mike's mom) and neither
of them are little women.
SkyeDS: other than Traci is shorter than me
evile: I've always been a klutz, has nothing to do with weight. If my
bio dad taught me anything in this life, it is that I'm ungraceful
and ugly and uncoordinated. He told me this when I was 7 years old
and not large or fat.
SkyeDS: I can't argue with your perception of yourself, but I will
say I don't see you that way
evile: thats because I don't attempt to galumph around 'dancing' in
front of you. I know my limitations and I do not display my
weaknesses, clumsiness, or ugly parts in front of people if I can
help it at all.
SkyeDS: I know I don't like dancing in front of people either
although I do it at home by myself
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I enjoyed ballroom dancing with Cali, and sonar0m wants to
learn, but I can't teach him by myself
evile: yeah.
SkyeDS: I do want to do yoga and bellydance together when I create
time again, and pilates too, but not in front of an audience.
evile: Z Helene has a belly-yoga class that looks cool.
evile: I printed out the melting pot menu---10 pages of wine &
spirits ...my kind of place.
SkyeDS: I read it
SkyeDS: want to do it when I have the $ again
evile: we are probably giving Rifka exactly waht she wants by
responding to her drama-fest.
SkyeDS: usually the way that works
evile: oh well. Made my decision of what to do with my bellydance
class pass easier.
SkyeDS: :)
SkyeDS: brb reboot (dammit)
evile: ok
SkyeDS: bk (kicks MIE)
evile: heh. me too.
SkyeDS: metninks the shit is about to hit the fan
SkyeDS: Hugh wanted me to do research on what we need to do in a
particular case
SkyeDS: I had to dig up a document that he had not properly handled
once I gave it to him (SOP)
evile: sounds like fun.
SkyeDS: and the deadline was 4 days ago
evile: ouch.
evile: well, crud. I had phone duty so I need to sign out now...I
hope everything works out *hugs*
SkyeDS: HUGS
SkyeDS: wind to your wings :)
evile: take care :)

Some helpful hints from E to YOU.

Here are some possible reasons why people might not want to spend time with you:

You tell us things about yourself that we don't want to know. Certain topics, ie: bodily functions, digestion, pregnancy, sexuality, are none of anyone's business (except perhaps your physician and/or your sex partner[s]), especially if you are just meeting someone for the first time, so please don't mention them.

Saying "I am allergic to peanuts" is acceptable. Saying "Peanuts make me break out in weeping pustules all over my body while having explosive diarrhea" is NOT.

Saying "I have 3 kids" is charming.
Whereas stating "I endured three pregnancies during which I bled constantly for the entire nine months," is not.

Exclaiming "I think Heath Ledger is adorable!" is perfectly agreeable. Saying "I want to strap on my Blowfish Special and screw Heath Ledger into the afterlife" is NOT.

Please err on the side of not enough information rather than TOO MUCH. As we get to know you better, then we may become interested in your health, fetishes, orifices, and what-have-you, but not right off the bat, not in mixed company, not at the dinner table, not in front of our parents, etc. When in doubt, remain silent. Nodding and smiling can't possibly get you in more trouble than telling a beloved family friend about your last adventure with a VD scare.

You spend more time talking than you do listening. Carry an egg timer if you have to, but give others equal time. If you spend more than an hour talking with someone and don't know at least 3 facts about them including their first name, chances are you've monopolized the conversation and the other person is perceiving you as rude. Shut up and listen. Ask questions, even if you could give less than a shit about the answers. It's only polite--after all we've been listening to you for however long you've been blathering on pointlessly.

You spend most of your time angry, sad, depressed, or whining. Yes, everyone has problems, but for heaven's sake, not all the time. If you spend all your time around us being angry, mean, sad, or bad-tempered, chances are we won't want to spend much time with you. If you can't think of anything pleasant to say, try asking someone else to bring up a pleasant topic of conversation and let their happiness lift you out of your own selfish rageful misery.

You are hygenically challenged. Bathe with soap and water daily. Brush your teeth with toothpaste at least twice a day. Use deodorant daily. Wear clean clothes every time you dress. Check your shoes for foot funk before you put them on. No matter how attractive your appearance may be, no matter how educated your conversation, if your odor offends, you will not be percieved as good company.

If none of the above seem to be applicable, perhaps you are just trying too hard with the wrong people. Keep looking for a group or individual with whom you may have a special connection....sorry, that's just the way the world works sometimes.

I really really wish I could just walk up to people and say all of that to them, right to their ugly, smelly, drama-whoring faces. But no....I have to be nice now.

feh.