people vs. behavior

The bible says something like "hate the sin, love the sinner" and I've read other spiritual and philosophical works which express similar. It's something I really struggle with.( Read more... )

2796from the horses mouth...

Jan. 6, 2005

 

Onyxlynxx (onyxlynxx) wrote,
@ 2005-01-06 10:28:00

Current mood: sick
Current music: Think of Me from Phantom

I feel like a selfish bitch.

I just broke up with someone who is suicidal because I can't handle
dealing with the situation.

This goes against everything that I believe in. It is contrary to
every behavior that I consider acceptable.

How can I kick someone when they are already so down?

How do you leave someone when they are in need?

How is taking care of myself enough justification for that kind of
behavior?

How can anything justify that kind of behavior?

The majority of my life has revolved around pleasing other people. I
like taking care of others. That role has become an integral part of
my character. Thinking about what others want and need has given my
life direction.

I just told someone that I love that I can't date him anymore. I
can't trust him to keep his word. In fact, I can't even trust him not
to die.

I am terrified that if I don't get some emotional distance that
roninjedi's death might destroy me. He has already told me that I would
just have to get over it. I want to be able to believe that my
feelings should matter to the people who love me.

If these are good choices made for self-preservation, why do I feel
so miserable?

I don't know who I am anymore. I am not even sure who I am becoming
but I don't think that I like her very much. She seems awfully self-
centered and cold.

How can I learn to live a life that is entirely based on me and what
I want?

roninjedi says that he doesn't see my flaws. I don't see how that can
be. It is not like I have tried to hide them. He says that he still
has me on a pedestal. What is he thinking for fuck's sake?


=====================================================

skye_ds
2005-01-06 17:46 (link)
*hugs, nuzzles and sugars*

I don't know roninjedi at all, outside of LJ. I think I know *you* well
enough to make educated guesses about you. My beliefs (as a strega)
with regard to what I know of the situation are these:

* Do not purposely cause harm to another, unless it is to prevent
true harm to yourself or another.

* Strive to be compassionate to others, and to be aware of the hearts
and minds of those around you.

* Be true to your own understanding and turn away from those things
which oppose the good in you or are harmful to you.

* Concerning Love ~ Love is the gift of the Spirit's blessings. It is
the emanation of Spirit within. Love is the Great Attainment. Receive
love when it is offered, and offer love regardless. Yet do not allow
the duality of love to cause you despair. For love can lift up your
heart and it can likewise drag it down. Accept love in the manner in
which it comes to you. Do not possess it, or attempt to control it or
shape it. For love is free, and shall come or go in its manner.

I believe these to be good sayings:

* No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make
you cry.

* Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe wholeheartedly that you would never cause true harm other
than to prevent true harm to yourself, and in this particular
instance, to roninjedi. I witness you striving to be compassionate and
aware of hearts and minds around you, every day. I see you trying to
be true to your own understanding, nurture what's good in you, and
oppose what's bad in you, every day. In addition, I see you
constantly trying to enlighten your own understanding. From what I've
seen here, you've loved roninjedi as best as you knew how, with all
that you had.

That because you do truly love roninjedi, your heart is being dragged
down into the depths of despair is obvious, even to me. You have
accepted love in the manner in which it came to you; you have not
attempted to possess it, control it or shape it. Rather than demand
that he change, you have made changes to yourself that were hurtful
albeit necessary.

Besides, I am renown for being a selfish bitch. Selfish bitches do
not feel despair or remorse, that's why they're selfish bitches.

Blessings light and dark ~ me

•  

2799icq w/A

 

Jan. 6, 2005

 

 

SkyeDS: I asked Sineater last night and he's thinking about it, he sounds
like he wants to (my opinion) so he should say something about it
shortly.
evile: *nod* OK
SkyeDS: I told him he needs to be quick about it because of the whole
asking off thing
evile: *shrug* I have a ton of vacation time. Hopefully my boss has
lost the stick since we're pretty caught up again.
evile: people are having rough days in LJ today, it was kind of rough
at polydinner last night.
SkyeDS: it sounds like it :(
SkyeDS: and why am I not surprised that Chris had a bad time over the
kid issue.
SkyeDS: of course, the families have had issues with Arthur, which is
why I have always wanted to stay in hotel rooms, and then the
families get mad because we stay in hotels. oh well.
evile: Everyone was terribly kind to her and the baby. Those who were
not interested in the baby did not say or do anyting rude.
evile: she babystalked the no kidding table and was ignored.
evile: And I find hte passive agresive whining in her own LJ when she
knows most of the big fun organizers and could have confronted them
directly...just repellent.
SkyeDS: I'm really looking forward to having a full ton truck with a
cabover camper so that we're fully self sufficient (and a four horse
bumper pull)
SkyeDS: passive aggressive is all she knows.
evile: Kili was dreadfully rude to ladydreamtime's husband
last night.
evile: I'm pretty amazed she made it home alive.
SkyeDS: usually, unless there are a lot of other influences
counterbalancing it, that's a pisces thing
SkyeDS: omg
SkyeDS: in front of LD?
evile: I think that's what kept her from going home in pieces, she
waited until ladydreamtime was off ordering food to pull her shit.
SkyeDS: I don't know her other than you and LJ, but I don't believe
Kil picked her opponent very carefully this time
SkyeDS: now, rainking is the husband and scrith is the SO? or other
way around
evile: no, you have it right.
SkyeDS: well, if RK is better adjusted than I am, he probably didn't
even mention it to her, no reason to make big over it
evile: he handled it pretty well...I imagine the fact that he was
gracious in the face of her attack garnered more sympathy for him and
disgust with Kili than any argument would have.
SkyeDS: I would have liked to be gracious but I think I was too
stunned into complete inaction to be anything
evile: And I'm just mean and nasty enough that now that I know her
MO, I will make things unpleasant for her in future.
evile: she has a thing about sitting at the end of the table, and she
has a thing about personal space/being touched.
evile: *angelic smile*
SkyeDS: ROFL
SkyeDS: you don't pull off angelic any better than Jess
SkyeDS: and she tries very hard
evile: *hiding horns behind halo unsuccessfully*
SkyeDS: horns leave dents in halos.
evile: Mine's stainless steel, babe. :P
evile: In situations like this, it's good to know you've got a lot of
people who like you and think you're nice.
SkyeDS: this expands her MO however. unless she's after LD.
SkyeDS: I wonder how she treats Kulilinei
evile: Kulilinei keeps her private life very private.
evile: but I don't think she was unhappy to hear that Kili had
possible job opportunities in DC and Boston.
SkyeDS: well, in that Kuli is the wife and the mother, Kil had best
be respectful if she knows what's good for her
evile: not a wife, just the mom of  Knighthorse's kid
evile: Kili and Knighthorse have been together longer than Knighthorse and Julie.
SkyeDS: mom = stronger tie than wife
SkyeDS: can divorce wife, cannot divorce kid from mom
evile: *nod*
evile: If Kili tries to force him to make a choice, I think she'll
be unpleasantly surprised.
SkyeDS: at this point I'm not sure that her motivation for her
behavior is strictly tied to wanting someone's SO for herself
SkyeDS: I had a little epiphany over New Year's
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: you see, my mother and various others have told me all my
life that I have a problem accepting responsibility and owning my shit
SkyeDS: and in an attempt to improve myself, I own all sorts of shit,
whether it's mine or not
SkyeDS: because if someone says it's mine then it must be.
SkyeDS: but over New Year's I stopped to wonder if that wasn't
programming.
evile: takes 2 to tango.
SkyeDS: perhaps people who like to dump shit program the rest of us
to own their shit
SkyeDS: because, when I actually DO something I know is wrong, I
don't need programming to tell me to own it
evile: likely.
SkyeDS: witness CRW (jose and the ax)
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: when I've actually fucked up, and I know it, I don't need to
be told, own this shit
SkyeDS: and I'm harder on myself than anyone else could be
SkyeDS: so I decided, I would not do wrong anymore, and then I don't
have shit I have to own up to (as best I can obviously I'm not
perfect)
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: and that way, I have a litmus test of sorts that tells me
whether it's really my shit to own, or someone's shit t heyr'e
dumping on me
SkyeDS: ala Ruiz # 2.
evile: yup
SkyeDS: anyway, seems to me that she just has a lot of shit.
evile: yup
SkyeDS: I can't imagine why else she would do people the way she does.
evile: It's just not as simple as anyone from the outside might
think, I guess.
SkyeDS: I mean, whether her ostensible motivation is because she's a
predator after the same prey or anything else, she's got some shit
somewhere to deal with that makes that the case.
evile: trying to figure people out just makes my head hurt.
SkyeDS: ya
SkyeDS: I figured out the one time I went to a voir dire cattle call
for jury duty that these people are not my peers.
SkyeDS: I don't WANT them to be my peers.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: if that's what being "normal" is like, no thank you.
evile: *laff*
SkyeDS: I never wanted to be normal and didn't care about acceptance
from people I didn't respect, even in school
SkyeDS: what I did want was for them just to go away and leave me
alone, not mad, just away
SkyeDS: doesn't work that way, unfo.
evile: yup
SkyeDS: I still don't get why some people feel so strongly that
allowing same sex marriages is an attack on their own marriages
SkyeDS: I mean, if you don't like gay marriage, don't marry a gay?
SkyeDS: but how is any other marriage a threat to yours?
evile: same reason people with kids feel so threatened by the
childfree & vice versa.
evile: (my personal theory on that is that some people bought the
prix fixe meal and didn't realize alacarte was an option)
SkyeDS: we are way too easy going about the kid thing sometimes, puts
us in situations like that Easter at McD's and that literally snotty
kid all over Sineater
SkyeDS: and those kids swinging in Mirage's tail at Stargate
evile: yup
SkyeDS: and then I feel socially gauche and judged for yelling at the
kid during the parade to get out from between Jesse's hind legs with
the motorized schooter
SkyeDS: -h
evile: If you wouldn't let people treat your human child like that,
you shouldn't let people treat your critter child like that...
SkyeDS: sonar0m was going to pick the child up and remove him, and I
told him no because I didn't want a law suit.
SkyeDS: that and I don't think carrying child in one hand and Arthur
on the other would be that easy.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I felt bad afterwards for having screamed in front of an
audience. But for crying out loud, this child was putting himself
and the rest of us in harm's way.
SkyeDS: and I didn't start screaming until my first half dozen
requests were flatly ignored.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: but there has to be a medium, not necessarily happy per se,
between allowing shit to happen, and feeling guilty because of having
to go to unpleasant lengths to stop them.
evile: I always love that parental self righteous "how dar e you
discipline my child"....well, if you would do it, I would't have to!
SkyeDS: if I discipline your child, I'm fucked
SkyeDS: if I don't get your child out from beneath the horse, and the
kid gets hurt, I'm more fucked
SkyeDS: I have to decide how fucked I feel like being, since I have
no choice to avoid fuckment altogether.
SkyeDS: lol I've watched Mirage go through that decision making
process
SkyeDS: every time someone asks her to do something she knows they
can't do safely
SkyeDS: goes right across her face, she's so transparent
SkyeDS: I do this, you fall off, Mom yells at me
SkyeDS: (which btw is not true, I have never yelled at her for
something that wasn't her fault)
SkyeDS: I don't do this, I'm in trouble for not doing what I"m told,
but not as much trouble
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: so, I choose the least amount of trouble, and you can just
sit there and whale and kick and hollar, but I'm not movin till you
stop
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: it makes her a good lesson horse
SkyeDS: "your horse tried to run me off under a tree branch"
SkyeDS: did you see the tree branch coming?
SkyeDS: "yes"
SkyeDS: did you tell her to turn?
SkyeDS: "no"
SkyeDS: did you tell her to stop?
SkyeDS: "no"
evile: *laff*
SkyeDS: then she did not try to run you off under the branch.
SkyeDS: tell me s omething, does your car stop by itself at stop
signs? I'm just curious.
SkyeDS: I have recently noticed a difference in horse people and not
horse people
SkyeDS: it's telling even when people try to convince you they are
horse people
SkyeDS: a horse person says they came off a horse, even when they
were thrown off deliberately
evile: interesting :)
SkyeDS: a not horse person says the horse threw them, even when it's
obvious that they were not thrown deliberately
SkyeDS: which is most of the time, that someone falls off, and is not
thrown off
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: anyway, I need to learn not to feel guilty for doing what has
to be done to prevent worse harm
evile: yup
SkyeDS: I didn't know there was a no kidding table at poly. (but then
there's a lot I don't know about the structure there).
evile: no, it's actually a completely different group which meets
same time/place as poly
SkyeDS: this is the same NK that went skating then.
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: if it isn't even part of Poly group, why bother them?
evile: first wednesday is NK games night at Central Market. they meet
indoors and upstairs all year round.
evile: when it's icky out, poly meets indoors and upstairs, too.
Several people are in both groups, or know people from both groups,
so there's some visiting that goes on between the groups. But nobody
at the NK table was the least bit interested in the 3 kids at poly
table last night.
SkyeDS: back to square one, I just don't understand most people. I
don't understand why some smokers enjoy going out of their way to
provoke nonsmokers who are minding their own bidnesses.
SkyeDS: (and other similar behaviors)
evile: yup
evile: there is always hoo-ha about the cabins at poly big fun, every
year.
SkyeDS: like CRW, and probably every other event like it, inherent
nature of the beast
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: so...the current structure is based on a kids/no kids
division?
SkyeDS: surely they aren't putting kids in cabins without parents.
SkyeDS: unless parents are paying for some sort of sitting service or
what have you
evile: No, the current structure is 4 cabins, with 'ratings' - G, PG,
R, X. You stay in whichever cabin fits your comfort level. You don't
demand that people babysit your kids or alter their behavior because
your kids are there.
evile: and you don't put your kids in G and go 'sleep' in X.
SkyeDS: what's wrong with t hat
evile: apparnetly Chrisloy interpreted this as 'all kids in one
cabin' and got upset.
SkyeDS: if there are only four cagins
SkyeDS: she thinsk kids should be in all of them?
SkyeDS: how many people are squeezing into four cabins of what size?
evile: the cabins are a good size, something like 8-10 beds per cabin.
SkyeDS: so you have two kidding cabins and two no kidding cabins,
that's perfectly fair.
SkyeDS: unless you don't have enough kids for two, and then why take
two
evile: no kidding is not a poly group. it's like....poly and ironweb
coven. there are members of both, but they're not the same group or
sub-group within a group
SkyeDS: I know
SkyeDS: but I"m borrowing the language
evile: well, I just suggested that she take it up with the organizers
(most of whom she was sitting with last night, so i can only assume
she chose to misunderstand what they told her in person and make LJ
drama out of it)
evile: Leather Fantasy Festival is out at ESA the same weekend. I may
just say forget the poly drama and do that...
evile: I brought home a flyer for poly big fun last night and
said "Poly's are campin at Bastrop State Park in April" He was all
like "that might be cool"
SkyeDS: it's a nice park
evile: "want me to sign us up?"
"dunno...is there gonna be orgies?"
"no! just talking"
"okay. but no orgies"
evile: Oh, and staying in cabins is 'not real camping' ...but staying
in teh vanagon apparently IS. heh. boys are silly.
SkyeDS: lol
SkyeDS: there's someone working for the OAG named harry potter, lol
evile: that's awesome!
SkyeDS: I wonder if ESA would be willing to host CRW
SkyeDS: I wonder if I should even suggest it
evile: hm.
SkyeDS: the suggestion couldn't hurt
SkyeDS: they don't have to take me up on it
evile: nope
SkyeDS: its' being run by ShadowMist this year, and the Autocrat
might reject it just becuase the land is owned by pagans, who knows.
evile: no telling. apparently Sharjinka volunteered to help and he's
already driving her crazy.
SkyeDS: well, I emailed him and said, hey, if you want austin area
and you aren't already committed (as of yesterday he wasn't), check
these people out, tell them Skye sent you
evile: *nod*
evile: most of the state parks are booked a year in advance.
SkyeDS: my place isn't suitable for CRW, but it could hold a small
event and everyone is always turning me down
SkyeDS: they don't want to pay for portapotties
SkyeDS: and don't like that I won't let them use my showers
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: Karen said they let Bryn Gwlad rent their land and wouldn't
ever do it again
evile: wow, really?
SkyeDS: problems with payment, clean up,e tc
evile: yeah.
SkyeDS: I thought I detected a note of sarcasm :P
evile: usually the sCA is pretty with-it when it comes to all of
that, I thought. But the austin folks seem to have gotten a spot of
bratty entitlement behavior from ...somewhere.
SkyeDS: probably from having Garriott's resources
evile: *whistles innocently*
SkyeDS: Garriott bought and built for them a renaissance fair ground
of their very own, at the foot of a mountain on a lake
SkyeDS: an entire town, a ship, and a globe theater
evile: wow.
SkyeDS: as nice as TRF or Scarby easily, just smaller
evile: cool.
SkyeDS: so yeah, they're just a little spoiled ><
evile: yup
SkyeDS: they're having Yule out at SGP.
evile: in january???
SkyeDS: ya
SkyeDS: they may be calling it 12th night
SkyeDS: you can't have these things on the date, or even before the
date, when every barony & shire in the kingdom is having them, they
have to space them out.
evile: is this SCA or HFS?
SkyeDS: SCA
evile: oh, wow.
evile: I didn't realize SGP had the facilities for somethng like that.
SkyeDS: I think it's just a feast and A&S
SkyeDS: they're doing it in the community center indoors
SkyeDS: single night thing
evile: cool
evile: lil' lamb hasn't said she's coming. if she was, I'd make an effort
to stop by before/after and say hi.
evile: hm. the sca website says it's going to be in Ennis. Wherever
that is.
evile: my boss screwed me out of phone duty today, so we compromised
and I'm leaving at 3:30
evile: Time to jet. I'll chat at ya later & try to touch bases w/Sineater
later tonight. I asked for the time off, I'm sure she'll say OK.