1827Hermity

Jan. 6, 2004

e. went out of the country on Dec. 18 or so and just got back,
apparently. She wants to go see ROTK on Friday, so I'm all like "just
tell me when & where, and I'll be there" and then she jumps on
with "we need to get tickets in advance and btw, do you want to go to
Wimberley on Sunday?" AGH!!!

So we are back to the when/where/what followed by FLAKE! fuckwittage
again. *sigh* I kind of missed the quiet. Not that I don't enjoy
spending time with her when I am actually _with_ her, but the
planning & flaking just exhausts me utterly.

I am really not motivated to see anyone or do anything. I don't know
if I'm just burned out from all the family togetherness over the
holidays or if this is my 'mode' now. Seems that all my efforts over
the last year+ to meet people and make friends really didn't
accomplish much in the way of making 'real' friends. Yes I go to
various group activities, but it has not led to any friendships one-
on-one outside of the group. Except for Stephanie, I guess. *sigh*

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1828Uncomfortable with competition

Jan. 6, 2004

 

 

J-Law & I were emailing back & forth re: an old HS friend suddenly
wanting to get back in touch. Being nasty & paranoid & cynical as I
am, I told her the girl is probably just wanting to measure her life
against J-Law's and make herself feel better about wherever she is in
life (if J-Law is thinner, she'll be like "oh, but J-Law dosn't have a
man yet" or if J-Law is successful, she'll be like "oh, but she didn't
have kids" or whatever)

Then I started thinking about X, because she was so competitive
and one-uppy all the time, could never just be happy for someone
elses' accomplishments, or sad for their sadness, but always had to
have the bigger tragedy, better bla bla, whatever.

I think, seriously, one of the {MANY} reasons I never had kids was
because X was never happy to hear about her friends' kids'
accomplishments. If Goldrie's brat was reading 4th grade level at 2nd
grade, then she just HAD to top that with "Well, Jessica is doing
10th grade math and she's only in 3rd grade!"...and then come bitch
to ME about That Bitch Goldrie ALWAYS trying to one-up her!!!

I don't understand why people who are supposedly close, old, long-
standing friends, can't just be happy for your happiness. It says
more about their pathetic insecurity than it does about either
persons' accomplishments when they're always pulling that crap. But
it's very disheartening. And when you don't have the same things to
compare (kids, job, marriage, whatever) it just gets stupid:

me: I got a promotion today for the first time in years! No money,
but a bigger title, so I'm excited anyway!

X: Well...Jessica got a 1400 on her pre-PSAT! [unstated: so THERE!]

me: um, cool...[unstated: not like I wanted you to be happy for me or
anything]

I hate competition, especially in intangible things like "how happy I
am with my life"...just be happy for my happiness, can't you? And I
will be happy for yours. Because that is what friends who love each
other are supposed to do.

And maybe that's why I don't try harder to be successful in any
conventional way, or unconventional way. Because I don't want to get
stuck in this whole one up bitchy crap.

That's one of the reasons I don't want kids, because I did not want
to be in competition with X over whose kids were
smarter/cuter/more talented/bla bla. I am sure Mine would have
been...but no use in going there.

Maybe another reason why I decided never to own horses, because I
didn't want to get in competition with Skye_DS.

Maybe a reason I've never tried to accomplish anything with my
writing, because Mom writes.

Hm.

stupid. But insightful.

or so I thought...dumb ass me.

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