2603dreams, [brother A]'s bday, bla bla

[evile]

Oct. 26, 2004

 

 

I'm just not motivated at all to be here today. I'd rather be at
home, sleeping. I went to bed early-ish (not pathologically so, just
maybe a half hour before my usual bedtime) and just had wierd dreams
all night. It's probably a mark of mental health, but I notice that
my dreams do get weird around the full moon. Last night's was
something about being in a big old barn full of hay and antiques with
Mom, [g/stepdad/sineater's dad], sineater, and UB, and sleeping on an old couch (that my bio-
father actually owns in RL) and sineater covering me up with a big
blanket or cape made out of black feathers. wtf, man.

(I was also sleeping with my new tarot deck under my pillow, which I
will do until Wednesday, and then actually open the package & look at
the cards)

Today is [brother A]'s bday. [Aunt L] and Elaine are going to San Antonio to
visit. I hope [rubber pig] isn't a completely selfish twat and lets [brother A]
actually enjoy some birthday happiness. Oh, fuck, what am I saying,
of course she won't. Everything's all about [rubber pig], all the time, and
everyone must watch & applaud as she performs "The Great and
Wonderful [rubber pig] Show" 24/7/365. Oh well. *sigh* it's so goddamned
hard to love someone so much and know it means nothing and it does no
good.

Comments

2604Re: dreams, [brother A]'s bday, bla bla

[evile]

Oct. 26, 2004


J-Law's thoughts:


Yeah, I've never even met the woman - what in the
hell could possibly make her think that I have
something to gain by insulting her in such a
scheming, backhanded fashion? If I met her and
loathed her, I could most certainly do a better job
of insulting her directly.

The thing about people with such abysmally low
self-esteem is that they think everyone else thinks
they way they do, and it's just not true. Cam and
Kim both read all sorts of crap into perfectly
normal statements.

Ohwell. We'll do what we want to do, and they'll do
whatever it is that they want to do. If anyone
should be offended, it should be us (but we're not,
because we're normal) - they make shitloads of
money, and could easily spend 100 bucks on a lunch.

That is a really odd dream, my dear. I can't even
begin to think what that might mean.... but I have
found that, most of the time, it's better not to
unpack all that stuff. :)

[rubber pig] is a fruitcake. It is sad that there's
nothing you can do.... but since there really isn't,
try (I know it's hard) to step back a bit from your
worries.

Re: 2604Re: dreams, [brother A]'s bday, bla bla

[evile]

me to J-law

Good point about Kim. I mean, really, how twisted and self-hating yet
narcissistic can a person be? She just knows you're out to get her,
as if you can even be bothered to plot and scheme so baroque-ly
against someone you don't even know and have never met? What.ever.
Not like you have a life & other priorities besides making Kim's life
miserable, right?

And very good point about [brother A]. I had been good there for awhile
about just talking things over with the higher power, giving it a
good cry, and letting go. But hearing about the baby on
Saturday...knowing it's a boy and what they're going to name it, and
then on top of that hearing all their childish pie in the sky
clueless selfish nonsense...just killed me. I can't even explain why
it hit so hard, it just did.

UB is telling me via ICQ that she got a call this a.m. from the
mortgage company apparently threatening foreclosure. It's very sad,
but if sineater doesn't have anything to give her or do for her, maybe
she will finally turn him loose. financially ruined, but free. *sigh*

Blessings are always hidden in even the worst things, I guess. Hard
to see, most of the time.

*hugs* I love ya, babe :)

2605Re: dreams, [brother A]'s bday, bla bla

[evile]

Oct. 26, 2004


--- J-law wrote:

There is a weird kind of low self-esteem/self
loathing that is highly narcissistic in precisely
this way. Or maybe, at bottom, all such feelings
are narcissistic because it's all about what other
people thing about YOU, as if there is nothing else
in the world worth thinking about.

Your reaction to the baby thing is totally
understandable. You'd been very good about stepping
back and letting go of what you had no
control/influence over. You get into an easier,
calmer mode, and then get hit with a fact that
shakes it up a bit. It's not that you're deluding
yourself and reality intrudes, or anything like
that... it's that, as you continually work to step
back from these things, there are going to be
encounters, circumstances, facts that want to drop
you right back in. It's normal, you're normal.
You're doing good.

It would suck for UB and sineater to get a financial
smackdown of that order... but if it makes UB let
sineater go.... that would be awesome.

Love you, too, darlin'!

Re: 2605Re: dreams, [brother A]'s bday, bla bla

[evile]

=============
me to J-Law:

It seems that many people in our respective spheres have this strange
narcissistic thing going on. WTF!

I have to not worry. I have been fast-forwarding 5 years or so to
when [rubber pig] finally shakes [brother A] loose, and playing what-if games with
myself. Who gets stuck with the kid, since [brother A] is an irresponsible
goofus and all. But, in her pattern of past behavior, [rubber pig] always
keeps her fucktrophies. So...ugh. You hate to leave a kid in such a
bad situation, but... It's not really going to be a problem, unless
[brother A], and/or our family, gets attached to the kid & want some
continuing contact after they break up. Then again, maybe he's as
stupid and pathetic and fucked up as Trey and will just hang around
supporting her & the kids after she's tossed him and is whoring
around with the next man. *sigh* But ...you are 100% right. Nothing I
can do about it, and these are all what-ifs anyway.

Work is annoying me today. We got these new superduper machines that
are all-in-one printers, copiers, and fax machines....with the paper
capacity of the old printers. And without the ability to put
frequently used fax #s in speed dial OR time & date-stamp the
incoming faxes.

Now, what would be the point of inventing a machine like this? It
boggles the mind.