Family stuff

[evile]

 my mother is in the hospital with a broken hip, after going from a 'respite' assisted living home to 'memory care' in the same facility. She was on Effexor for a while which apparently caused suicidal ideation and she ODed on Effexor a few weeks ago, which is why she went to respite, i think? She' d also been leaving the house without appropriate clothing for the weather (american midwest, it's winter there)... stuff like that.

Effexor sucks, btw. I took it for some amount of time and my memory is absolutely gone from that time of my life. get up, go to work, come home, fix supper, sleep in front of the tv, sleep in the bed, repeat repeat repeat....no feelings one way or another, no energy, no thoughts or memory either apparently. oh well.

 

My stepdad had planned to retire at the end of this school year to take care of her, but now that she's in a memory care place for the duratiaon, her care is going to basically take up his salary while he lives off their social security income, and possibly starts to dip into retirement savings if needed. He may or may not keep working. he wants to but the University where he works is planning some layoffs so he may not get the option. He says he's got it covered, regardless.

 

Anyhoo, she's in the hospital for now. He says he doesn't need me up there for anything but Im welcome to come if I feel I need to.

 

My mom...my relationship with my mom.....problematic. My upbringing was verbally abusive, chaotic, neglectful. My mom is a covert narcissist, perpetual victim, very emotionally volatile... I grew up faster than I should have, emotionally care taking her rather than being a kid. Becoming avoidant/codependent. But it's something I feel I've given myself closure about; I don't think she' d be interested in seeing me either way. I'd be going to be supportive of my dad, honestly. Whether he'd see it that way or not.

 

Talked with my sister  H and my aunt L (Mom's sister) on the phone today. Independently, they both brought up my grandmother's death--she received a diagnosis of lung cancer, said "Ok, gonna go die now,' went to bed and died in short order. My sister mentioned that when mom tells that story, it is with admiration in her voice. Aunt L. mentioned the same story, but worried that is my mom's plan as well, to just sort of 'will' herself to death. Stubborn women in our family....

Anyway....yes, antidepressants can cause suicidal thoughts and she's no longer on that particular one, but.

 

She also attempted suicide at least one other time I know of, when she was a teenager. Around the same time as her father committed suicide. So...it's not like the pills are the only factor.

 

Anyhoo....I am sad for my stepdad but if my mom is done, she's done, and she shouldn't be dragged out for anyone else's comfort or peace of mind.

Comments

[emmainfiniti]

Effexor does suck. And "Medicaid divorces" are a thing people use to not have their finances go completely down the drain when their spouse needs $$$ care.
Hugs.

[evile]

Dad says he has some good attorneys in their area that are helping him navigate through the financial stuff. He trusts them and I'm not going to second guess him at this point; money with older family is 'fraught' ...maybe just for me, or maybe in general. Feels or looks like "I'm trying to protect my inheritance," rather than "I don't want my parents to get soaked for bills when there are better ways to get their needs met,"

I was shocked as hell when my father passed and I got money. It's not something I've ever wanted or expected from my older family and nothing I ever plan to have..it's their money. But a lot of people seem to fall into the mental pattern of holding out their hands and expecting family money to fall into it.

I have an inlaw who once talked about buying land out in the country both for their own farm/ranch dream, but also because they wanted to basically farm the older family members' retirement and SSI and whatever. I mean, they didn't phrase it exactly that way but I could tell that is what they meant by moving all the older folks out to the property and 'taking care' of parents/grandparents/etc. This person also shows up at funerals/wakes and starts talking about what heirlooms they want, practically before the body is cold. So...I find all of very distasteful and distressing.

Even though I know it's helpful for ones peace of mind,as an older person, to know that your 'stuff' and money is planned for and will be taken care of when you are dead. I dunno. I guess i have a lot of baggage around all of that. :/ I don't want anything I do to be taken as 'me trying to get stuff out of the older family'....because the last thing I want or need is 'stuff' and I am totally OK for $ as well.