evile

Why does a narcissist mother, allow herself to obey her narcissist son, to abuse her scapegoat daughter, while claiming to love her? She has become a puppet to him.

That’s a lot to unpack. Who are you in this situation?

I have spent years and years trying to figure out why the narcissist does this or that, trying to understand what is wrong with them in hopes that somehow understanding would lead to

a) control of the relationship dynamic

b) a way to win against the narc

c) a way to fix the situation

d) a way to fix the person

e) a way to fix the relationship (turn it into a mutually kind, loving, and beneficial situation)

And, in fact, all of my reading and research did NONE of those things for me.

What it did do, finally, is set me free from wanting those things or expecting those things to happen.

The most important question it finally led to was this:

Why did I allow myself to remain in a relationship that harmed me?

It absolutely does not matter why a toxic, abusive, terrible person does the toxic, abusive, terrible things they do. It absolutely does not matter why two toxic, abusive, terrible people become enmeshed in a sick codependent relationship that can only hold together for as long as the two of them are united in torturing, punishing, stalking, and harassing a mutual ‘enemy’ (you, the scapegoat, or whoever they pick next after ruining you)

Understanding the ‘why’ of it will not fix them and it will not fix the situation, it will not stop them from torturing and harrassing people while claiming that their abuse comes from a place of 'family,' ‘love’ or ‘concern’….sticking around to observe and analyze just keeps you stuck in a sick situation.

If you are the scapegoat in a toxic family, it is time to value yourself enough to set hard boundaries with your family of origin and limit or cease contact with them. It is time to heal yourself and find healthier relationships.

If you are observing this situation as a friend or family member of the scapegoat or the narcissists, I advise you to find something better to do with your time and energy, unless you are a paid professional who has been hired to somehow try and help these people. If you are then you should be conferring with other professional colleagues rather than looking to Quora for answers.

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Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.