evile

What would be the result of someone "close" to a narcissist gently accepting them for who they are (the result would be a narcissists' reaction over time, short or long term)?

Honestly, I’m sad and concerned to read your question. I don’t see relationships as strictly transactional in the same way a narcissist would, but I also don’t think they should be one-sided in that one person is giving all the time and the other is taking. And that’s what you’ll be getting with a narcissist. What would you be gaining from such a relationship? How would being mistreated in this way over time make you feel about the person, and about yourself? Why would you want to give so much energy to someone who is incapable of love, gratitude, or even the most basic niceties?

In a strictly Buddhist Zen state of speaking, the only thing anyone can do is accept that the narcissist is who she or he is. They aren’t likely to change or get better or express deeply-felt gratitude or reciprocate in any meaningful way.

Eckhart Tolle[1]has some wonderful thoughts on this matter—when we refuse to accept what is, we increase our own suffering. So, yes, accept that the narcissist is exactly who and what s/he appears to be—a bottomless well of ‘take’ and ‘need’. A great deal of hate and anger looking for a place to land. A spoiled child in an adult body. A damaged individual that is extremely resistant to being healed, because an integral part of their disease is denying that they are sick.

So, yes, if you have a narcissist in your life, the best thing to do is accept that the way he or she is, in this moment, is all she or he is ever going to be. They may praise and flatter to get what they want, they may demean and insult to get what they want, they may threaten and abuse to get what they want But in the end, that is all they are: nothing but “I want.” There is no more to them than that. In my experience, over time, they begin with praise and end with abuse, regardless of the response of their target. They just can’t keep up the ‘nice’ act for that long.

The best you can hope for, I suppose, is the behavior of a spoiled child saying “gimme” and you will be the weary browbeaten adult figure opening your wallet once again, or handing over the toy, the car keys, or whatever the child is demanding with no protest— If you gratify them promptly each time they make a demand, you will receive no thanks or appreciation, but possibly no abuse either. Just be aware that eventually the demands may become so outlandish and unrealistic that you just won’t be physically, mentally, or financially able to gratify them, even if you still desire to do so.

Again, I question why anyone would want to subject themselves to such a bleak and miserable existence. Accept that the narcissist is exactly who and what they seem to be, and leave the bottomless well of need far behind you as you move toward finding your own happy life and worthwhile connections.

Footnotes

[1]

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