2427I feel like crap!

[evile]

 

 

Aug. 6, 2004

 

 

Fajita night with [dad] & talking with [dad]. I still don't understand
why [dad] and Mom pooped all over [aunt L]. [dad] & I talked about my tiff
or whatever teh f. it was with Mom while she was here. [dad] seems to
think it would make a diff to Mom if I told her about the depo
withdrawal. Somehow I think that Mom already knew that and I don't
think it mattered at all. [aunt L] said something about it, anyway.
So...whatever. And apparently there's a letter from mom in the PO box
just waiting for me to open it up and start another shitstorm of
blame and self-hate. I can't hardly wait.

I feel like my hurt feelings with Mom have been dismissed by [dad] as
nothing but "hormones" and my issues as [rubber pig] have been dismissed [by
Mom & [dad]] as nothing but displaced feelings from Xtal. (what I get
for sharing my insight on the kids, I guess)

I feel completely invalidated. I guess this grey thing between my
ears is nothing but a place holder, eh?

I didn't realize there was a list at the ICU of who was/wasn't
allowed. I can't believe [sister H] was on it. Or [aunt L] for that matter.
[aunt L] spent the most time with [brother A] since he & [rubber pig] got together, and
has always been cordial to them. [aunt L] has every right to an opinion
on her, since she DID spend the most time with her out of all [brother A]'s
family. But I guess that's not allowed, either.

Was very interesting that [dad] mentioned all of these ways in which
he was held to a higher standard of behavior by Mom, [brother A], [rubber pig],
etc, and then could not expect similar/same from them. And he spoke
of being invalidated by Mom...and still encouraged me to try and
explain to Mom where I'm coming from on stuff. why? I am not going to
hurt myself to fit into the little box labeled 'daughter' just for
her. I am not going to willingly change who I am just to attempt to
make her happy with me. I am who and what I am. I may change over
time, but this is who I am right now. And if she doesn't like it,
tough shit.

I'm very mad & hurt. (will c&p email I sent to Rio, J-Law, etc. later)