Quora: How do I defeat narcissistic-sent flying monkeys?

There are only a few kinds of flying monkeys in the world.

There are willing accomplices—people who are as malicious and nasty and ill-tempered as the narcissist but who are too cowardly or too stupid to make their own agenda of terrorism, so they just play toady for the more powerful evil. They will happily rat you out, make up lies about you, or do anything the narc tells them to do to make you miserable. These people are not your friends, and they don’t have anything to offer other than a knife in the back. They are spies for the narcissist. Cut them out.

There are gossip-addicts. They like drama and gossip and they know that the narcissist is a source of never-ending chaos, conflict and entertainment. They may not actually like the narcissist (or you!) but they are happy to put in a little word here and there to help the BS flow. They may actually like you, but they value the soap-opera more than they value you as a friend. They do not value your peace of mind and happiness. They don’t really want to change or fix the situation and they won’t be interested in focusing on other, happier things you have in common. They will constantly guide the conversation back to the drama between you and the narc. They are also spies. You will have to cut them out of your life because they aren’t interested in deep meaningful friendships, they only like pointless drama.

There are codependent people-pleasers who want to be friends with everyone. They may not like the narcissist’s abusive, gossipy, malicious behavior but they don’t have the courage to speak up and say so. They don’t have the courage to drop a friendship with a person they see being destructive, abusive, and harmful. They think that if they stay quiet, pleasant, and placate the narc, they can preserve their wider circle of friends and keep their social circles intact. They don’t want to make waves or kick anyone out, they just want everyone to get along, and so they will turn a blind eye to the narcissist’s toxic behavior, and/or make excuses for the narcissist’s behavior to try and smooth everything over and make sure ‘everyone stays friends’…when or if you confront this flying monkey, they will more than likely see you as the bad guy for making trouble and trying to break up the group. Best to minimize contact with these well-meaning tools of the narc. You aren’t going to get them to see your point of view and you aren’t going to get them to leave a group that is corrupted or dominated by a narcissistic abuser. They would rather run with the herd even if that herd is running off a cliff.

Bottom line:

If you know someone is only spending time around you for bad-faith, sneaky, spying, underhanded, and/or destructive reasons, you are perfectly within your rights to not engage with them. If you have mutual friends with a narcissistic abuser, minimize time spent with those mutual friends. Don’t tell them anything personal about your life, bad or good. If you are at a gathering of people or a public place and they approach you, say something neutral and pleasant and then make your excuses to go elsewhere. “Nice to see you, please excuse me, I need to go say hello to someone I haven’t seen in a while,” Being rude, unpleasant, or even direct and honest with your reasons for not wishing to speak with them, will not accomplish anything other than giving the narc more ammunition to use against you. Once you’ve identified a person as a flying monkey—whether they are an active malicious actor or merely a passive pollyanna stooge, you need to get them out of your life.

The only way to win is not to play.

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