Quora: Why is it considered wrong to take revenge on a narcissist?

Why is it considered wrong to take revenge on a narcissist? They know exactly what they are going when they destroy everyone else’s lives.

 

It’s not wrong, it’s just pointless.

The narcissist thrives on attention and drama. It doesn’t have to be positive attention such as praise and worship, it can also be fights and negativity. As long as they feel that they are getting a reaction out of you, that is the ‘nugget’ that will keep them engaged. They will keep poking you with a stick as long as you keep yelling ‘ouch’. If you take the stick and poke them with it, that’s still a connection and they still consider it a ‘win’. They can even take you poking them with a stick and create a nice ‘victim story’ for themselves that will attract even more narcissistic supply from others.

The other thing to remember about narcissists is that they are not mentally or emotionally equipped to see ’cause and effect’ as it relates to their behavior. A narcissist could show up hours late, hung over, and unprepared to work every day for a month and when she or he finally gets fired, they will concoct a fantasy story about how the boss was ‘jealous’ of their talent, or how the boss wanted to sleep with them and got turned down (this never happened, it is just a thing inside the narcissist’s mind), or a jealous coworker lied about them to get them fired…they are absolutely incapable of drawing the connection between their poor behavior and the consequences for the poor behavior. In fact, they are just incapable of self reflection of any kind.

So, if you have had enough of the narcissists mistreatment and abuse, hitting them back lets them ‘win’. Walking away and ignoring them for the rest of your life is the only way you can win. If it helps, think of the narc as a big pile of wet manure—if you kick it, the manure will not suffer, you will just get crap on your shoe. Not worth the effort. Just avoid them.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

 

Quora: Do narcissistic mothers break their children intentionally?

Do narcissistic mothers break their children intentionally? I don't want to be too hard on her if she didn't realize she was doing it. She's 100% a narcissist and seems to have tried on purpose to ruin her kids but I feel like I can't be mad at her

I really homed in on the last part of your question, “I feel like I can’t be mad at her,”

When a person is raised in an abusive environment, or raised by a personality disordered parent, it is hard to grow up knowing what good boundaries are, or how to express boundaries. You may even reach adulthood without any knowledge at all of how to express yourself if you grew up in an environment where self expression was punished or not allowed. So, feeling like your emotions of anger are not allowed is a normal part of being raised by a narcissist.

Establishing an independent identity and boundaries are not you ‘being hard on her’ or you being cruel to your parent. They are important things that you need to do for yourself in order to be a healthy person.

Narcissists don’t see things like normal people do, and she won’t accept responsibility for her behavior, so trying to hold her accountable for her treatment of you growing up is not going to be an effective way for you to reach closure or come to a place of peace with how you were raised and the parental affection and attachment that you did not receive, that every child wants and needs. It is very hard to reach a place in adulthood where you understand all the terrible ways you were deprived of a normal childhood.

Unfortunately, there’s a saying: “you can’t return to an empty well looking for water,” To me this means that you cannot find peace and healing by going to the person who hurt you. You can only find peace and healing by opening your own well within yourself, and you do this by healing yourself with counseling, prayer (if you find comfort in a religious practice), and educating yourself about the personality disorder and about ways to develop good boundaries and healthy relationships.

Practicing boundaries with a narcissist is going to be difficult, and enforcing boundaries with someone with whom you have not had healthy boundaries is going to be challenging, but it will increase your self confidence and peace of mind when you are able to do so. This is not punishing a person for what has happened in the past, or holding them to account (because narcissists just don’t have the mental or emotional ability to accept that consequences are related to their own behavior), it is not you being “mean”—it  is you telling others what behavior will and will not be accepted and tolerated.

Finally, I want to reassure you that you are not ‘ruined’ no matter what the person raising you did to you, or what she says about you. The fact that you are here, alive, and looking for answers, examining your feelings and looking for ways to work through the harm that was done to you as a child, says to me that you are far from ruined. You are in fact a good, strong person who is working towards wholeness. I find that very admirable and I hope that you will continue on this path. 




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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.