Quora: Do narcissists truly believe that their loved ones are seeking to "attack" them

Do narcissists truly believe that their loved ones are seeking to "attack" them or is it just a feeling that they cannot control?

 



Disagree with a narcissist? That’s an ‘attack’

Tell a narcissist ‘no’? That’s an ‘attack’

Prioritize what you are doing above what the narcissist bursts into the room and demands you do? Saying ‘wait a sec,’ ? That’s an ‘attack’

Ignore the narcissist while s/he is raging out, freaking out, obsessing, demanding, fussing? That’s an ‘attack’

Live your own life, being happy and satisfied with your lot in life, right there in front of the narcissist? That’s an ‘attack’.

For the narcissist, their feelings=facts. There is no such thing as objective truth and there is no way to prove that their feelings=facts rationalizations are actually not true.

As intellectually intelligent and clever as the narcissist may be, as much personal or professional success they may have (or project that they have), as old as they may be….their internal reality is that they are little more than bratty toddlers emotionally. Their angry temper tantrums when they don’t get their way are little more than the “mommy, I HATE you!’ screamed in the candy aisle at the grocery store by a small child who isn’t getting candy that they feel they NEED. For the narcissist, either you are providing them with what they want (feel that they need) every waking moment of their life, or you are ‘bad’ and they ‘hate’ you. There is no capability for mature adult love in their existence, because they do not exist emotionally as mature adults. All the same reasons that young children melt down and freak out

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 are the same ‘reasons’ the adult narcisisst does the same.

 

There’s no intellectual understanding of it, though the narc may back-fill with justifications after they’ve had an emotional vomit-fest. “I had to do bla bla bla, because you did xyz,” but that is not an excuse or a reason, it’s only a way for the narc to blame you for their outlandish behavior and avoid dealing with his/her inappropriate behavior and emotional outbursts. They don’t make any sense, and it will make you crazy trying to make them make sense.

On the one hand, their feelings lend a life-or-death urgency to every interaction…they really, honestly do feel that if they don’t get what they want, right now, they will die. And that is why every confrontation with a narc is so desperate and crazy. They do feel as though they are fighting for their lives, all the time. But facts are not feelings, and their cognitive distortions are not your problem to solve. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. Detach. Be free.

Footnotes

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100 Ridiculous Reasons Why Kids Cry

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If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

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Quora: Why do narcissists thrive on exclusion?

Why do narcissists thrive on exclusion?

 Narcissists thrive on conflict and chaos; exclusion is only one tool in their tool box for creating conflict and chaos.

Part of the narc’s pathology is believing that they are superior to others and must interact only with other superior beings. From this standpoint, it’s easy to see why they crave membership in exclusive groups, so that they can have people to look down on, and also so that other members of the exclusive group can confirm to them that they are indeed special in some way.

On the other side of the coin, if they are excluded from membership in a group, that also gives them supply in that they can create conflict and chaos over being excluded. Being told they aren’t a good fit for a group, or that they are being let go from a group, gives them the opportunity to badmouth group members & leadership, and go tell their sad story of being kicked out or denied admittance to their flying monkeys/negative advocates.

Either way it’s a win for the narcissist. They get drama and attention out of it, no matter how it plays out.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.