Quora: Do all covert narcissists (women) shower a lot? I mean 3-5 times a day. Why is that? My ex na

Do all covert narcissists (women) shower a lot? I mean 3-5 times a day. Why is that? My ex narc said once that she washes away people's lives. Has anybody else experienced this?

 No, excessive washing is not a symptom or characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[1]

 

From the Mayo Clinic article on NPD:

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

• Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
• Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
• Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
• Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
• Take advantage of others to get what they want
• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
• Be envious of others and believe others envy them
• Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

• Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment
• Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
• React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
• Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
• Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
• Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
• Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

In fact, three of the narcissists I have encountered in my personal life were the opposite: slovenly, sloppy, smelly, and did not wash for days or weeks, even (or maybe especially?) when it was requested that they bathe and put on clean clothes for a family occasion. At the same time, bizarrely, two of the three narcissists would behave in sexually suggestive manner, as if their unwashed, bad-smelling bodies, tangled greasy hair, and dirty ripped clothing would be attractive and arousing.

Washing or showering excessively could be a sign of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) - Symptoms and causes.

[2]

 Or, sadly, it could be some sort of trauma response to having been raped or molested. (likewise: refusing to bathe could also be a response to trauma)

 

The person may have seen showering as a symbolic ‘washing away’ of other people from her life, and symbols can be a very powerful thing inside a person’s mind, but, again, I don’t believe that’s a universal trait or symbolic system used by all narcissists. (it's also possible to have co-morbid mental health conditions, so a person with NPD could also have OCD)

Footnotes

[1] 

 

Narcissistic personality disorder - Symptoms and causes

[2] 

 

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) - Symptoms and causes

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Quora: Can a narcissist’s partner guilt trip you?

 Well, they can try! How you respond to the attempt is your choice.

I have a sibling who married a narcissist (at least that is my armchair diagnosis. Also possible: histrionic, borderline)

The narcissist’s partner is also known as their #1 Flying Monkey (or else!) The narcissist expects their partner to back them up, act as an attack dog, enabler, a White Knight, or however you may want to put that.

The Narcissist sees him/her self as the victim of everything and everyone. The bad things that happen to the Narc are never, in their mind, because of any of the shabby things they’ve done or said, nor any of the cruel or irresponsible ways they’ve behaved. The good things that happen to them are because they see themselves as all-powerful genius experts, and the bad things that happen to them are because other people are mean, jealous, and out to get them.

So the narcissist’s partner is forced into a role where he or she must always be either applauding and praising the Narc’s genius, or going out to ‘get’ the people who have criticized or harmed the Narc. If the Narc puts on a ‘poor pitiful me’ act to keep their partner hooked, then it stands to reason that the partner will then go to the Narc’s target and say “Look what a terrible thing you did to my sweet babboo, you hurt his/her feelings when s/he was only trying to…” bla bla bla, basically it boils down to “it’s all your fault that my dear and lovely Narc is screaming and crying at me all night long because of what you did to him/her.”

This serves the Narc in many ways: it keeps their partner from realizing who is the actual perpetrator of the abuse. It keeps their partner agitated and upset, and therefore not thinking clearly. It makes the partner feel closer to the abusive Narcissist when they can unite against a common enemy—you. And when the partner is fighting on the Narc’s behalf against others, the partner can avoid being a target of abuse by the Narc for as long as the war against the outsider can be maintained and keep the Narc occupied and entertained. If, somehow, the partner’s attempts to blame, shame, and guilt you do not work, then the Narc will turn against their partner and blame him/her for the situation, for not defending them properly, for turning their back and allowing the situation to happen, etc.

No matter what happens, it’s a win for the Narcissist because s/he gets to be the center of a whirlwind of drama, s/he gets all the attention and energy of the people s/he is agitating for or against him/her, and s/he gets to feel powerful and interesting.

I return to the original question and statement. Can a narcissist’s partner guilt trip you? The answer: Yes, if you let them. It’s just one of many tools in the narcissist toolbox.

It’s best, in my opinion, to step away from the situation to get a clear view, and view it as the ridiculous farce that it is. Giving emotional energy to that situation is giving away your life force—time and energy that could and should be better spent on nurturing your own growth and building relationships with people who are not disordered.
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Gabi Wenzelow

 · 2y

 

That sounds like the reason my stepdad throws me under the bus is to appease and suck up to my narc mom! Now after he threw me under the bus to get He is calling and trying to pressure me to make up with herAnd I'm thinking what the heck are you thinking you're the one who threw me under the bus tha…

(more)

 

Reply

 

 

 

 

evilE

 · 2y

 

yes. I have family members who attempt to pressure me into ‘making nice for the sake of family peace’ with the narcissist/abuser who married in to our family. And I am the bad one for not participating in the crazy abusive behavior, not allowing it in my presence, and not seeming to condone it by being silent as it is being perpetrated in front of me. I used to try very hard to bite my tongue and say nothing as the abuser ripped my dear one apart in front of me, but I don’t do that anymore. It’s not worth my peace of mind.

==============

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

 

12 Things Narcissists Say And What They REALLY Mean

 https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/12/12-things-narcissists-say-and-what-they-really-mean/

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a malignant narcissist or otherwise manipulative, toxic person is well acquainted with how they use language differently.

The phrases that most people use in everyday conversations bear a far different meaning in the context of an abusive relationship with a narcissist.  As Carrie Barron M.D. notes, “Current thought challenges the notion that narcissists secretly suffer from low self-esteem or insecurity.  Or that they suffer as much as we thought in the ways that we thought. Recent findings indicate they take pleasure in successful manipulations. Putting down unsuspecting, soft-hearted souls in their midst is a sport. They truly believe in their superiority even if objective evidence does not back it up.”

When you’re dealing with an empathy-deficient individual with a high sense of entitlement and a sadistic need to bring others down, conversations become crazymaking minefields meant to psychologically terrorize and divert you. In fact, to decode a narcissist’s language requires listening more to their actions than their words.

When a narcissist’s words are translated into their actual meaning, the results are frankly disturbing. Here are twelve common phrases narcissists use and what they actually mean:

1. I love you. 

Translation: I love owning you. I love controlling you. I love using you. It feels so good to love-bomb you, to sweet-talk you, to pull you in and to discard you whenever I please. When I flatter you, I can have anything I want. You trust me. You open up so easily, even after you’ve already been mistreated. Once you’re hooked and invested, I’ll pull the rug beneath your feet just to watch you fall.

2. I am sorry you feel that way.

Translation: Sorry, not sorry. Let’s get this argument over with already so I can continue my abusive behavior in peace. I am not sorry that I did what I did, I am sorry I got caught. I am sorry you’re calling me out. I am sorry that I am being held accountable. I am sorry you have the emotions that you do. To me, they’re not valid because I am entitled to have everything I want – regardless of how you feel about it.

3. You’re oversensitive/overreacting.

Translation: You’re having a perfectly normal reaction to an immense amount of bullshit, but all I see is that you’re catching on. Let me gaslight you some more so you second-guess yourself. Emotionally invalidating you is the key to keeping you compliant. So long as you don’t trust yourself, you’ll work that much harder to rationalize, minimize and deny my abuse. While you’re working so hard to please me, I am reaping all the benefits without any consequences for my behavior.

4. You’re crazy.

Translation: I am a master of creating chaos to provoke you. I love it when you react. That way, I can point the finger and say you’re the crazy one. After all, no one would listen to what you say about me if they thought you were just bitter or unstable. Forget the fact that I am the one who’s truly rageful and irrational, lashing out anything that threatens my sense of superiority.

5. My exes are crazy.

Translation: I made my exes crazy. It was so fun! All I had to do was provoke, poke and prod until I got a reaction. Finally when I did, I used those reactions against them to show everyone how unhinged they are. Soon, you’ll be the “crazy ex” too.

6. She/he is just a friend.

Translation: I keep this person as a backup for whenever I get bored. They may replace you if you leave. In fact, they may already be acting as a valuable side piece. If you complain about my shady behavior with this person, I’ll make sure you seem like the controlling one.

7. You’re so jealous and insecure.

Translation: God, this love triangle is fun. I love the way you compete for my attention. Makes me feel so desirable and powerful when I flirt with others in front of you. Gets you riled up. It’s especially entertaining to manufacture insecurities in you by pointing out flaws that don’t exist or to pick at the wounds that already do. The more diminished you feel, the less likely you’ll try to escape my grasp. The truth is, everything you suspect about my flirtations and affairs is grounded in reality. But let me remind you: I am entitled to everything. That includes the attention of other romantic prospects.

8. You have trust issues.

Translation: I am an untrustworthy person, which I’ve shown time and time again by betraying you. Your gut is right, but it’ll be a cold day in hell if I ever admit it. The best thing you could probably do is trust yourself and run in the other direction – but of course, that would be far less fun for me.

9. It’s not all about you.

Translation: It’s really all about me, me, me. If you ever turn the attention back to your own needs, I’ll make sure to project my own self-centeredness onto you. I’ll make you feel guilty and ashamed of having these needs in the first place, because I’ll never be able to fulfill them. I just don’t have the emotional equipment to do so – nor do I want to, because it takes the focus away from the person who’s really important. Me!

10. Why can’t we remain friends?

Translation: I really don’t like losing members of my personal harem. I’d prefer to keep you on the back burner in case I need to use you in the future. Plus, collecting exes is a hobby of mine. It’s so convenient to be able to reach out to one whenever I am feeling especially bored. Who knew being friends could be such a great way to prevent losing valuable sources of supply so easily?

11. No one would believe you.

Translation: I’ve isolated you to the point where you feel you have no support. I’ve smeared your name to others ahead of time so people already suspect the lies I’ve told about you. So yes, some people may not believe you – especially the ones who still think I am an amazing person. Especially the people who continue to enable me.

There are still others who might believe you, though, and I can’t risk being caught. Making you feel alienated and alone is the best way for me to protect my image. It’s the best way to convince you to remain silent and never speak the truth about who I really am.

12. You’ll never find someone else like me.

Translation: If you never find someone else like me, that’s a good thing. There are empathic people out there who will treat you far better than I ever did. But I’d never want you to find them or discover your true worth. I’d prefer you to keep pining after me.