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evileI have a sibling who married a narcissist (at least that is my armchair diagnosis. Also possible: histrionic, borderline)
The narcissist’s partner is also known as their #1 Flying Monkey (or else!) The narcissist expects their partner to back them up, act as an attack dog, enabler, a White Knight, or however you may want to put that.
The Narcissist sees him/her self as the victim of everything and everyone. The bad things that happen to the Narc are never, in their mind, because of any of the shabby things they’ve done or said, nor any of the cruel or irresponsible ways they’ve behaved. The good things that happen to them are because they see themselves as all-powerful genius experts, and the bad things that happen to them are because other people are mean, jealous, and out to get them.
So the narcissist’s partner is forced into a role where he or she must always be either applauding and praising the Narc’s genius, or going out to ‘get’ the people who have criticized or harmed the Narc. If the Narc puts on a ‘poor pitiful me’ act to keep their partner hooked, then it stands to reason that the partner will then go to the Narc’s target and say “Look what a terrible thing you did to my sweet babboo, you hurt his/her feelings when s/he was only trying to…” bla bla bla, basically it boils down to “it’s all your fault that my dear and lovely Narc is screaming and crying at me all night long because of what you did to him/her.”
This serves the Narc in many ways: it keeps their partner from realizing who is the actual perpetrator of the abuse. It keeps their partner agitated and upset, and therefore not thinking clearly. It makes the partner feel closer to the abusive Narcissist when they can unite against a common enemy—you. And when the partner is fighting on the Narc’s behalf against others, the partner can avoid being a target of abuse by the Narc for as long as the war against the outsider can be maintained and keep the Narc occupied and entertained. If, somehow, the partner’s attempts to blame, shame, and guilt you do not work, then the Narc will turn against their partner and blame him/her for the situation, for not defending them properly, for turning their back and allowing the situation to happen, etc.
No matter what happens, it’s a win for the Narcissist because s/he gets to be the center of a whirlwind of drama, s/he gets all the attention and energy of the people s/he is agitating for or against him/her, and s/he gets to feel powerful and interesting.
I return to the original question and statement. Can a narcissist’s partner guilt trip you? The answer: Yes, if you let them. It’s just one of many tools in the narcissist toolbox.
It’s best, in my opinion, to step away from the situation to get a clear view, and view it as the ridiculous farce that it is. Giving emotional energy to that situation is giving away your life force—time and energy that could and should be better spent on nurturing your own growth and building relationships with people who are not disordered.
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yes. I have family members who attempt to pressure me into ‘making nice for the sake of family peace’ with the narcissist/abuser who married in to our family. And I am the bad one for not participating in the crazy abusive behavior, not allowing it in my presence, and not seeming to condone it by being silent as it is being perpetrated in front of me. I used to try very hard to bite my tongue and say nothing as the abuser ripped my dear one apart in front of me, but I don’t do that anymore. It’s not worth my peace of mind.
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