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23 Nov. 7:03 am
http://indyweek.com/durham/current/news.html
Screw you, America
Sometimes the fish in the barrel deserve to die
B Y C L I F G A R B O D E N
America speaks with one voice. Unfortunately, it emanates from its
ass.
--Barry Crimmins
November 17, 2004
N E W S F E A T U R E
Don't forgive my anger. All this needs to be said. And I know that as
soon as that stiff-faced to-the-manure-born right-wing lackey in the
White House tries to appoint a 21st-century counterpart to Roy Bean
to the Supreme Court in a few weeks, more people are going to wish
they'd said it sooner. John Kerry fucked up. More important, America
fucked up. And the people who fucked up the most--you infamous red-
staters--are going to suffer along with the rest of us. To put it in
lingo a NASCAR devotee would understand, "Y'all deserve a good
talkin'-to." John F. Kerry, you're first.
In your befuddling concession speech, you actually called for unity
and healing. Sounds good, clown, but can't you even imagine for a
second that the people who supported you so zealously for the past
five months might just see that insincere gesture of good
sportsmanship as a betrayal? See, unlike you pols, we voters actually
believe in shit. We believe that George W. Bush and his henchpeople
are a real threat to the survival of democracy. We believe that
they're killing people for profit. And we believe that they don't
have a goddamn clue about forfending terrorism on U.S. soil.
That's not a position gap; that's an ideological gash. And it's not
going to heal, because, unlike you expedient professional truth-
manipulators, I'm not prepared to meet the enemies of freedom halfway
just because you lost the election. Your speechwriters might see the
Bush administration's failings as nothing more than convenient fodder
for your campaign blather, but the GOP junta's sins don't go away
just because decrying them no longer serves your ambitions. Last week
they were the imperialist pigs who misled us into war and you were
the savior. Now we're the goddamn Getalong Gang?! Screw that. Fight
back or shut up.
Now, the rest of you. ...
A lot of us effete Easterners want to know: What the fuck is wrong
with you?! You voted against your self-interest at every turn (you
dumb-asses in South Dakota deserve special credit for voting out one
of the most powerful Democrats in the Senate) and re-elected an
ignorant cowboy who can't be trusted to remember a lunch order, never
mind run a country. What in the name of God...?! Wait, it was in the
name of God, wasn't it? Rendered weak and ignorant by a spoon-fed
climate of fear, you slack-jawed inbred flatlanders have sought
refuge in the traditional twin towers of mindlessness--jingoistic
patriotism and fundamentalist religion. God's on your side. Like
hell. Jesus loves us, dammit.
Okay, you want God? Let's talk about God. Your religion is bogus.
Fundamentalism, the facile belief in the unexplained and un-
researched, is something you born-agains (couldn't get it right the
first time, huh?) share with Al Qaeda, whose ideologues doggedly
adhere to religious misinterpretations every bit as silly and
dangerous as yours. Just like you, Muslim fundamentalists long to
impose an unrealistic and intolerant pseudo-Calvinist morality on the
world. In fact, America's religious right has so much in common with
the Shiah, it's a wonder you guys don't invite them to join the
Rotary. Born-againsters look for the face of Christ in the wallpaper;
fundamentalist Muslims hallucinate the voice of the 12th Imam; but
aside from that (and extremely divergent attitudes toward pork), you
both hate the same stuff--homosexuality, pacifism, Jews, education,
uppity women, enlightenment, short skirts, gangsta rap, tattoos,
infidels. ... (They also share your love of super-lethal weaponry.)
Well, sorry to burst your holy bubble, Jesus freaks, but God did not
create the world in seven days; that's just ignorant. Like a lot of
stuff in the Bible, it didn't happen. And Moses looked more like Jeff
Goldblum than like Charlton Heston. Jesus didn't hunt; he fished.
Jesus wouldn't want you (or anyone else) to have an assault rifle.
What would Jesus do if he met you? He'd ask you to stop ruining his
hard-won good reputation. (Y'know the guy died to redeem your sorry
ass; you might at least show a little respect for what he was really
about.)
What else is bothering you self-destructive morons? What other
overwhelmingly urgent issue caused you to vote yourselves into the
retirement poorhouse and sacrifice the four freedoms? Gay marriage?
Dig it. Right at this moment in your little picturesque insular East
Silage-for-Brains, U.S.A., there are gay and lesbian couples walking
around--possibly even copulating. Really. It's been going on around
you all your lives, and you've never been hurt by it. Now, if these
same couples were "married" in any legal sense, they'd still walk and
copulate as usual and it still wouldn't make any difference to you.
You don't like or understand homosexuality? Fine. Nobody's asking
your permission. But it's not your problem. And hiding it won't make
it go away. Nor will persecuting gays change anybody's sexual
preference. So, to put it aptly, go fuck yourselves and leave other
people alone.
Anything else? Education deform ... er, reform. Some of you weren't
even born the first time when, in 1968, legendary secular-humanist
prophet Frank Zappa wrote: "All your children are poor unfortunate
victims of lies you believe. A plague upon your ignorance that keeps
the young from the truth they deserve." We repeat, creationism is
absurd. Yet in the name of protecting this ridiculous and irrelevant
belief, you toothless crank-heads are willing to eschew all science
and learning this side of Copernicus. (Or do you still think the sun
orbits the earth?) The Bushies really are on your side here. Leaders
like G.W. and (yes, it's a fair comparison) Hitler rise to power by
exploiting the support of the weak and stupid, so it's in their
interest to encourage weakness and stupidity. That's where universal
education becomes a threat. Education encourages creative thought.
Creative thought empowers people. Fascists hate creative thought. So
it's incredibly convenient for the GOP that you folks actually want
your kids to be dumb. Which is why the No Child Left Behind
initiative you endorse has, in fact, done nothing! Happy? Perhaps
ignorance really is bliss.
What else is on your hate-laden Limbaugh-laid table? Flag burning?
It's just cloth, guys. Sex ed? Heaven forbid your daughters learned
the facts of life in time to prevent having to avoid an abortion.
Gun control? We said "control," not confiscation. And there are high-
powered automatic weapons most civilians really do not need. Even
moose tend to come at you one at a time. "But shooting's fun!" you
argue. "It's a sport." Breaking windows and driving 100 miles an hour
are fun, but they're legally controlled activities. "But," you
object, "how do I defend my family when the nigras and the Jews and
the Communists from Harvard come on my property?" Right. Lock the
gate; everybody covets your Tupperware and your chard. We'll be right
over.
Does it really bother you cornpone chuckleheads that "we" think
you're under-educated, culturally limited and ignorant? Well, how
about proving us wrong? For starters, get this straight: There were
no weapons of mass destruction; the Iraqis did not attack the World
Trade Center; lots of children (including many of yours) are left
behind every day; the greenhouse effect is for real; and the Dixie
Chicks were right. Pin down a few of those basics and then perhaps
we'll talk.
Am I being elitist here? Disrespectful of the dignity of the masses?
I fuckin' hope so, because 51 percent of the masses have had their
say and it doesn't make sense. Besides, when I think about people
being tortured while they're held without representation at Guantnamo
and Iraqi families crawling out of the rubble of their own homes, I'm
not too worried if I insult some Bible-sucking insurance salesman or
a possum-breathed saw sharpener.
Too harsh? I know (because I've been so chided) that there are lots
of good, right-thinking/left-leaning liberals out there who feel it's
my responsibility to "understand" you. These are good people; unlike
you assholes, they voted the right way. But this is why in true
progressive circles the word liberal attracts adjectives such
as "wishy-washy," "self-serving" and "useless."
In its own well-intentioned way, liberalism is, when you think about
it, almost as big a problem as fundamentalism is. See, as much as I
disagree with you and am disgusted by the shallow and pathetic pawns
you've become, I respect your potential. That's why liberal Democrats
can't bring themselves to do what the Republicans do so well --
cynically lie to you for selfish gain. (Do you really think Kerry
would have banned the Bible?) We nice people actually expected
reasoned arguments, logic and incontrovertible evidence to convince
you that Kerry was the better candidate. Turns out that the GOP's
double whammy of fear and loathing is a more powerful vote-getting
tool.
Of course they, not we, laid the groundwork there. And that's the
real shocker you fly-over chicken-rubbers are going to realize just
before the end (of freedom, that is; I don't mean the Rapture, which
is something else you believe in that's not going to happen): You've
been duped, and the Bushies are laughing at you behind your spineless
backs right now. The Republicans don't care about you; they just
wanted your vote so they can stay in power and make their oil-and-
blood-soaked cronies even richer. They're going to send your job
overseas and destroy Social Security. In the name of catching
terrorists, they're going to make sure you don't read any interesting
books or travel without permission. They're going to toss you a
minuscule tax cut in exchange for under-funding public education and
social services, so there will be more poor people around to bother
you. Perhaps you will become one of them.
They're going to shower the pharmaceutical companies with excess
profits while denying you life-saving medical attention. They're
going to let corporate conglomerates fill the air you breathe with
carcinogens while they discourage clean-energy research. They're
going to insist the ozone layer's OK until y'all bake your little red
asses off. They're going to alienate the rest of the Western world
and any portion of the Eastern world that isn't willing to supply Wal-
Mart with cheap labor. They're going to throw more Saddam-esque
bogeymen in your face while tacitly supporting Saudi terrorists and
ignoring nuclear-armed Korean dictators. They're going to rig the
system so that even you law-abiding yahoos won't be able to get a
fair trial. And worst of all, they're going to dehumanize your
children and send them off to kill or be killed in the name of oil
profits.
And you bought into it all because you're afraid. And you're afraid
because they scared you. And it was all so unnecessary. You don't
have to be frightened. You (okay, most of you) aren't really stupid
or helpless. I know you at your worst and best. I grew up with you; I
shared outdoor plumbing with you; I complimented the dead deer
hanging on your front porches. You can open your minds and accept or
reject things on their merits instead of on their reputations in
small-minded circles. You can think for yourselves.
And some day, you might figure that out. Meanwhile, you deserve what
we all got thanks to you, you bastards.
Clif Garboden is senior managing editor of The Boston Phoenix and
president of the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies. He can be
reached at cgarboden@phx.com.
