2398Wednesday: Boerne by way of Fredericksburg

Jul. 29, 2004

 

 

I hinted (because Mom said she wanted to get up early to go Fburg)
that they should just get up and go and not worry about waiting for
me to get done with work at 11:30..but they came & got me, and we
went to f'burg. Shopped. Lunched at Fredericksburg Brewery (?) - i
got a coaster & wrote the names of the beers we had, but I lost it
somewhere along the way. The Pale Ale was something Sweetie would like,
and the Porter was awesome. Mom said [stepdad] would like it.

Mom wouldn't taste wine with me, it was annoying.

We found a place, just as they were closing for the day, that had all
kinds of TX jellies, peppers, pickles, dips, salsas, etc. for
tasting. dang.

Took [cousin B] home.

Sweetie came & got me. I was in bed by 11. I'm fucking exhausted, and
apparently we're going to a movie tonight that starts at 9:45. It's
the Alamo 'we'll play what you bring' ....I am wondering if I can get
out of it. I'm just too tired to be staying up till almost midnight
and they are going to get me at 11:30 and apparently today is going
to Goodwills, etc, and I'm just not going to get any rest. I can't do
this.

I am tired of my family now. I want some time to sleep and sit around
and slob on the internet.

I've missed all my Krav Maga this week (nobody even remembered I had
them, we were on our way back to Austin from Boerne last night when
class started)

Mom says she's very disturbed by my taking Krav Maga. Apparently it
would be better to be robbed, raped, and murdered than to know how to
break someone's fucking face for attempting to violate me. Good to
know.

2400sad- mom thoughts

• Jul. 29, 2004

   

  It occurred to me last night that my mother does not like me very
  much as a person. She may love me as her child, but I don't think she
  likes me.
  
  My CF views offend her.
  
  Me taking Krav Maga distresses her.
  
  It must be rough to have a kid that you don't like. You must end up
  feeling like you've done something wrong to create this monster thing
  evil negative hateful beast.
  
  I hate feeling like I'm a disappointment to my parents.
  
  But...I am not going to be a battered corpse. I will fight for
  myself. I may end up being beaten, robbed, raped, killed ANYWAY, but
  I am not going to be an easy victim. If you cry over my grave, mom, I
  want you to know that I fought for my fucking life. The life YOU gave
  me.
  
  *sigh*
  
  I want to be dead so very much.

2401Another crap day

Jul. 29, 2004

 

 

Had a major meltdown at my mother this afternoon. It was truly
lovely. [Brother A] called to talk to everyone and finagle an invite for
him, his 'wife', her kids, and her father to come up tomorrow. Aunt L
said they were more than welcome, BUT that she would not be able to
put them up for the night. Then [Brother A] talked to Mom, who said she
absolutely did not have the energy to visit if he and the gang came
up today/tonight. Then he asked to talk to me.

He asked what was 'the deal' on Sunday. I replied that they were 4
hours late with neither an apology nor a call as they were leaving to
travel to Austin, and that I thought that was rude. He proceeded to
get defensive and talk about he has 3 kids and a pregnant wife, and
to cut him some slack, it's hard to get everyone out the door, and
don't I remember when we were kids that Mom got us everywhere late
all the time? (No, I don't, but I just repeated, "Well, I just think
it was rude of you to be so late and not call.")

I also mentioned that since neither him nor his wife spoke to me, I
didn't want to hang around being ignored so I left.

At that point he announced coldly that they were NOT coming up after
all. Aww. Break my heart, why don't ya?

So then mom played their drama game & called them back.

Once she was off the phone, she was all like "You were all 'they'
this 'they 'that, you were giving as good as you got!!"

So I told her I was tired of hearing how much I distress and offend
her and I guess I should just quit being honest and just nod and
smile and say nothing.

Then I went off on Krav Maga & how offended and hurt I am by her
attitude towards it. How I feel like she'd rather see me dead than
see me beating up a rapist/robber/murderer who was trying to hurt me.
She said there's a huge place for action between being a victim and
breaking someone's bones. Maybe there is and maybe there isn't. I've
never beein in that situation. Aunt L and Uncle B have had concealed carry
licenses for years, but they've never shot/killed anyone. I consider
Krav Maga to be mostly for fitness, but with a side benefit of being
able to defend myself. And just a tiny little fucking bit of self-
esteem to have been able to work my body as hard as it would work,
test my limits, and find myself capable and strong. To have her just
dismiss all of that as 'distressing'...very very hurtful to me. I
really did hear it as "I'd rather see you dead than hear about you
fighting with someone".. fuck that.

She says I'm unhappy and not being 'myself' and I said "this is who I
am, tough shit if you don't like it"...which I don't really feel. It
tears me up that I'm such a disappointment to her. That I'm a person
she finds offensive and hateful and distressing.

Then I talked about [Brother A] & my concerns/fears & reasons for not
wanting to deal with him or the Rubber Pig.

Then I realized that the X sitch is still hurting me, and that I
am not wanting to get involved with the Rubber Pig's kids because I'm still in
really deep pain from when X kicked me out of her kids' lives and
that was 13+ years of my life, my love, my caring down the fucking
toilet...and nothing to show for it. I don't want to care about
anybody else's kids again like that. Especially not some fucking
wackjob like the Rubber Pig.

Turns out that before [Brother A] talked to us, he and [dad] had an
unfortunate phone conversation, so I guess I got some of the fallout
from that.