Aug. 2, 2004
evile: You know ...when I first met her, I really did want to give
her a chance. Okay, so she talks too much and gives TMI...but maybe
she was nervous. Now...nope.
SkyeDS: at this point don't know w hat to say, do, or for that
matter, think
evile: She's beautiful and smart and interesting...she really could
be a decent person if she tried at all. But, no.
evile: me neither. which is why I'd rather go home after work than go
sit in the waiting room in San Antonio and watch everyone freak out
or zombie around. fuck that. it's not any good for anybody.
evile: Checked voice mail. One was Sweetie from a week ago, and one was
sineater. Not bad. Why it took a week for sweetie's message to
register...bizarre.
SkyeDS: sonar0m has same problem often
evile: technology is supposed to make our lives easier...
evile: J-Law is so wise. Her email: That's ridiculous. That is
completely ridiculous. You're right - [aunt L] has always been there and
done her best by all of you. I know I couldn't depend on my aunt
(much as I love her) for the kind of love and support she has given
to your entire family, the kids especially. She is one of the
kindest, most ethical and decent people I have ever met. I sure hope
your mom (much as I love her, too) gets over whatever her issue is.
If there's anyone she should be mad at, it's [brother A] for making a shitty
marriage, returning to same after being booted, refusing in his
typical stubborn fashion to discuss it with anyone, and then trying
to kill himself.
SkyeDS: have to wonder if it isn't bid for attention
evile: exactly.
evile: Just a big cry for help. he's in over his head and doesn't
know how to get out.
evile: [dad] needs to not beat himself up over this. if [uncle B], a trained
psychologist, did not see any symptoms to alarm him, how could any of
the rest of the family?
SkyeDS: I would dearly love to pick [uncle B]'s head over this
SkyeDS: I need to pick [uncle B]'s head over ADD/ADHD since so many of my
clients have/have had it
evile: trendy diagnosis du jour, imho.
SkyeDS: from what I understand the real thing is genetic, like
migraines
SkyeDS: so it can be controlled but not cured.
SkyeDS: I know what I do helps, but I don't know why.
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: if I understood what I was doing, I could do it better than
I'm doing it now
evile: Omega at the Crossings has a healing/chakra workshop later
this month that I'm interested in.
evile: I'm pretty sure it's not necessarily the thing itself, but the
mental focus/discipline one develops that helps.
SkyeDS: I'm pretty sure what happens is a rewiring of the electrical
wires in the head
SkyeDS: like teaching stroke victims to talk again, walk again,
wahtever
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: and there are no doubt uncountable ways of doing that
SkyeDS: Marshal, my 8 am Mon, is 12, and he's no bigger than Meghan,
who is 7 or 8.
SkyeDS: but this morning he got over all his stumbling blocks, and
was able to ride singlehanded while swinging at sineater with a sword.
evile: heh. cool.
SkyeDS: told him if he trots by himself next week, we will officially
promote him to "Intermediate"
SkyeDS: he trotted today with ground crew
evile: how awesome is that! very cool.
SkyeDS: mom is having problems finding a good school to put him in,
so I'm trying to make up for that too
SkyeDS: I would not want to be in [uncle B]'s shoes right about now.
evile: *nods*
evile: [uncle B] is a rock.
evile: He ought to send someone a bill after all this :P
SkyeDS: no shit.
evile: Mom told me I needed to 'see someone' about my 'problems'
SkyeDS: my mother tried to have me committed nearly my entire
childhood.
evile: ugh.
SkyeDS: smile nod (and ignore) will come in handy.
evile: yup.
evile: I just can't see that I'm so awful....
evile: Maybe that is a sign of denial and insanity on my part. Or
maybe it's mom.
SkyeDS: there is an exercise called Black Mirror White Mirror
SkyeDS: it has to do with turning negatives into positives
evile: sounds interesting.
SkyeDS: that is a VAST oversimplification and I'd have to go look up
where the entire process was published
SkyeDS: but I'm sure in t he meanwhile you could devise your own
methods.
evile: I'm 34 goddamned years old. I have the right to my opinions. I
have the right to live as I choose. If someone else doesn't like it,
they can fuck off.
SkyeDS: zactly
evile: As sad as it may be to feel that I'm not living up to her
expectations, I look around and see what I've accomplished, what I
have...and it's not so bad. I am a decent, honorable, honest human
being. I treat people fairly and give lots of second chances. But I'm
also not anybody's fucking doormat.
SkyeDS: I finally got it through to my mom that she has made me feel
inferior since I was 5 years old and that's shaped my life for 30
years now, and not for the better
SkyeDS: and of course, she never meant to.
evile: nope.
evile: "They fuck you up your mom and dad..."
SkyeDS: last time Gramma went off on me, I told her, firmly but
without losing it on her, look
SkyeDS: all these things you worry about, they don't happen
SkyeDS: I didn't just do what you were afraid I was going to
SkyeDS: I didn't even come close
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: in the meanwhile I did a damn good job of executing this move
with surgical precision
SkyeDS: now if you can't say something nice, please leave me alone,
because you're hurting me. a lot.
evile: worry is guilt turned inside out.
SkyeDS: "fuck you" and "frankly my dear I don't give a damn" are very
liberating. even if they have to be watered down/rephrased for
whatever audience.
evile: *nods*
evile: I guess I didn't tell you my interesting revelation: I
realized that one of my many issues with [rubber pig] & [brother A] is the
emotional blackmail with kids that I went through with X and dont'
want to do again. So that's why I am not trying too hard with the
kids. I didn't realize it consciously until Mom & I talked on Thurs.
SkyeDS: entirely understandable though
SkyeDS: even though I knew better, I offered to take half a day off
to take the kids riding (which was of course refused0
evile: That was nice of you, anyway.
SkyeDS: I know why you don't want to get too attached and don't see
how anyone could possibly attach blame to that
SkyeDS: <complete doormat when it comes to children, I know it.
evile: [rubber pig]'s just so nuts...there is no way I could interact with
the children without having to deal with that. And I don't want to
see her or talk to her ever again, frankly.
SkyeDS: no point in having a plan of attack now
evile: nope.
SkyeDS: the shit will hit the fan when [mom] & [dad] get there, and
all battle plans would be off anyway
SkyeDS: they seldom outlast the first skirmish in general
evile: I'm following the Prime Directive now. Not Captain Kirk's
version, either.
evile: I didn't realize how badly x had damaged me. that makes me
mad/sad. I feel like a gnawed bone. I got nothing left for anyone
because of all the damage done...
SkyeDS: hate to tell you this but I suspect you already have a soft
spot in your heart for the kids anyway
evile: ...probably.
evile: [brother A] & [rubber pig]'s irresponsible air-castle building would not
peeve me so much if they did not have kids to support.
SkyeDS: I have no problems with a triad marriage (obviously)
SkyeDS: sineater doesn't like her using [his last] name, and I
understand that
evile: yeah.
SkyeDS: sonar0m doesn't use [sineater's last] name, nor do I use sonar0m' name
SkyeDS: it's the kids that fuck all this up
SkyeDS: I'm not happy with my little brother either
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: I do happen to agree with Dr. Laura for the most part about
the right way to bring up kids
SkyeDS: and he won't go back to Georgia because "he isn't happy
there, has no friends there, has no support system there"
SkyeDS: ok, fine, but he has THREE KIDS there.
evile: ugh.
SkyeDS: so what this tells me is that he'd rather be in New Orleans
because he likes it better there, than be a parent.
SkyeDS: now why the hell couldn't he figure that out before he had
THREE
evile: too bad. once you have kids, they are your #1 priority, or
should be.
SkyeDS: well, I intimated this to my mother exactly once
SkyeDS: I"ll not say it again
evile: Prince Goldensprog who can do no wrong.
SkyeDS: I hope I get to meet them one day, but I don't count on it
evile: I suspect that if Nanny were alive, [brother A]'s Prince Goldensprog
status would be permanently revoked right about now.
evile: That or she'd be raising those 3 girls.
SkyeDS: both, I suspect.
evile: well, it's an either/or. If he wasn't the goldensprog,he'd be
crap and she'd want nothing to do with the little bastids.
SkyeDS: dammit
SkyeDS: why do people bring children into this kind of shit
evile: because to some people 'babies just happen'...
SkyeDS: I take some small comfort in that when you and I fuck up, we
only fuck up ourselves, not children
SkyeDS: and the day a fuckup of mine hurts my "children", I'm hanging
it up and calling it quits
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: Kim has three children
SkyeDS: one she only has partial custody of
SkyeDS: two she has no contact with at all
SkyeDS: and now she's getting married so she can squeeze out more
SkyeDS: I wish it were possible to shoot her, [rubber pig] and my little
brother in the face with bazooka.
evile: depo provera dart gun.
SkyeDS: rofl, good idea!
evile: well, not for the brother. but it might be interesting, anyway.
SkyeDS: thank god he got himself fixed
evile: smart boy. shutting the barn door after the .... have escaped,
but at least there will be no more.
evile: I love my friends. Rio just told me to find out which hospital
so she can go put her boot in [rubber pig]'s ass.
SkyeDS: woohoo :D
evile: Meanwhile I've been rehearsing my homicide trial.
evile: It's probably not any more right for me to blame [rubber pig] than it
is for anyone to blame [aunt L]. Just easier.
SkyeDS: I didn't do it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
evile: yup.
SkyeDS: has [brother A] ever done this before or threatened to seriously?
evile: Not that I know of.
SkyeDS: when he talked to sineater Friday he laid all the blame for his
miseries at [dad]'s feet.
SkyeDS: some of which sineater feels belongs there and some of which
doesn't.
evile: I am pretty sure [rubber pig] helped with that.
SkyeDS: problems with [dad] are undoubtedly pre existing
SkyeDS: they have never been bad enough to precipitate this,
apparently
SkyeDS: that leaves an obvious conclusion to draw
evile: Not even when they lived in the same house & almost got into
physical fights.
evile: They'd fight, and bluster and do the chest-puffing threat-
display Scorpio bullshit...and then everything would simmer down and
they'd talk and be OK.
evile: We do have a family history of suicide--mom's father killed
himself when she was 17.
SkyeDS: :(
evile: And god knows I've thought about it enough times...and so has
mom. But we never did it.
SkyeDS: the only new thing about the situation is [rubber pig].
evile: And [rubber pig] does not like [dad] because [dad] wanted to be
realistic about things and know the truth about what was going on,
and once asked [brother A] to ask her not to talk in the background while
they were on the phone.
evile: And [rubber pig] does not like me, I dont' really know why...she did
tell me that I remind her of her sister that she doesn't get along
with. But I can't think of a damn thing that would have made them
give me the silent treatment on Sunday and then again on Friday.
SkyeDS: drawing battlelines
SkyeDS: and doing a damn good job if she's got [mom] at [aunt L]'s throat
evile: And if she's creating a division between Mom & [dad]. Hasn't
been mentioned yet by anyone, but I can't imagine them holding the
same opinions on this situation.
SkyeDS: and everyone thought I was bad.
evile: :P
SkyeDS: it worked out fine in the end for all of us for sineater to spend
time with his family, and for me not to.
SkyeDS: this is just too much sturm and drang.
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: if [brother A] didn't really want to die, I wonder if he knows he's
risking brain damage and/or organ damage. permanently.
evile: who knows what [brother A] was thinking...that's the one reason I'd
never do it unless I was dead serious & assured of the results.
evile: Only thing worse than being alive & miserable with full
mental/physical faculties is being alive and a vegetable. At least
now I work and pay my own way in life.
SkyeDS: I think, if I had to choose, (and I would rather be dead than
either), I would rather body work and mind not
SkyeDS: I can't imagine having an active mind and no mode of
expression
evile: *nods*
evile: We saw a movie Thursday that you might like: it's called De-
Lovely, about Cole Porter . Lots of piano & singing. Not my usual
thing, but I enjoyed it.
SkyeDS: :) saw Troy and Van Helsing over the weekend.
evile: what did you think?
SkyeDS: was surprised by Troy
SkyeDS: and VH was fun
evile: Yeah. VH was a hoot. Like a roller coaster ride with rubber
bats and stuff. People got upset about it being a 'bad movie' but it
was just a fun ride, ya know?
evile: what about Troy surprised you?
SkyeDS: I didn't expect it to be that good
SkyeDS: I don't put much stock in Brad Pitt
SkyeDS: but other than one detail it was very good
evile: He did a pretty good job, I thought.
SkyeDS: (Agamemnon did NOT die at Troy, he died in Mycenae when he
came back, which started the Oresteia)
SkyeDS: and I have to admit, he was nice to look at
SkyeDS: as much as I hate to admit that
evile: I had forgotten the oresteia..you are good !
SkyeDS: nothing I"m good at is of any practical use
evile: not true.
SkyeDS: I warned my mother that that one aspect was not true to
source, but told her otherwise I thought she would like it and please
do not acquire the DVD as it would make a good gift.
SkyeDS: they're coming this weekend and if it's still there I want to
take her
evile: *nods*
evile: nice outing, family time without any social pressure ;)
evile: I just got some great news--D is pregnant again :) After a
long time of not thinking she could. I'm happy for them :)
SkyeDS: why the hell do people do what they do
SkyeDS: I will never understand
SkyeDS: hope Phil will be happy to have a little sister/brother :D
evile: me neither. the world is shitty enough without people who are
supposed to love you kicking you in the teeth.
evile: D is waiting until it's a bit further along to tell Josephine.
She lost one a couple years ago and it was such a hurtful thing for
everyone.
SkyeDS: where did I get Philomena
SkyeDS: dammit I'm going senile in my old age
evile: heh. that's a good name, too. Maybe that's the baby's name :)
evile: D calls her 'Phine, maybe that's how you got it?
SkyeDS: probably so.
evile: real close :)
evile: It took me a while to get the names of all [rubber pig]'s figured
out. I m not good with names.
SkyeDS: I don't remember their names at all except they call the baby
Yummy
evile: Blis, Lyra, and Yummy
SkyeDS: the girls are pretty
evile: And they are well-behaved. Nice kids.
SkyeDS: still wish could shoot bad parents w bazookas
evile: Blis is starting to get a little drama-queeny as she
approaches puberty. But she seems to be OK.
SkyeDS: what kind of example has she got leading her
evile: [rubber pig] is really quite lovely. Too bad she's such a monster
inside.
evile: Apparently [rubber pig]'s mom is drama-freaky too. I only met her the
once and she did not impress me with her rudeness to [aunt L].
SkyeDS: lol [mom] said at breakfast she liked drama.
SkyeDS: I don't think this is what she meant.
evile: Mom said "I like drama"?
SkyeDS: I think she meant Drama, as in the subject she teaches
evile: aha.
SkyeDS: dont' think there will be much left of [rubber pig] when [dad] is
done.
SkyeDS: and I was a little taken aback that she is using the [family last]
name
evile: *sigh*
evile: Wrong approach. But might be fun to watch, anyway.
evile: Well, it's about time for me to pack up & move 'em out.
SkyeDS: hugs
SkyeDS: you'll have to tell me the magical internet story sometime
evile: *laff* yeah. it was pretty fucking ridiculous. Thanks for
being my rock today, honey. I appreciate you.
SkyeDS: nah
evile: Yeah, I do. Thanks for caring :)
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