1710J-Law's reality check

 

 

 

Oct. 21, 2003

 

 

--- J-Law wrote:
Well. I have a good reason to get out of dinner with the girls.

The bad news is that the reason is: I am $500 bucks overdrawn. I
can't even really blame it on the bank. I sort of am, because they
were lagging behind in debiting my checkcard purchases, but really,
it is my fault for not keeping track of how much money I really had
(as opposed to just going by what the bank said I had).

===========
me:

Erika H <eekatfreaksdotnet@yahoo.com> wrote:
yow! That SUCKS...

*hugs*

Money is so tedious.

==============
J-Law wrote:

Yeah, it sure does. But it's my own damned fault, so I have to suck
it up.

I really am my own worst enemy on the money front,but I just can't
suss a way out of it. I know part of it is that I simply refuse to
deal with it, but I don't know why that's the case. It's deeper than
just being frivolous with money and not really interested in managing
it.

It's a pathology.

What else could it be, when I keep getting myself into all of this
financial crap, and I still refuse/fail to learn anything from it or
change my ways?

My apartment is too expensive, but I am unlikely to get another,
cheaper one because my credit is so horrible. My shrink is too
expensive, but I feel I still need it, and I feel weird
about 'breaking it off' or whatever. My student loans, for an
education I refuse to get the most out of, for reasons I can no
longer quite justify or explain, are astronomical, and they won't let
me adjust payments. But my admission to the bar will be tricky
because I have such shitty fucking credit. And even I know that
making more money is only half of the equation.

I spend too much on going out, nice food and wine, and the
occassional (but expensive) binge on clothes, but I feel like, if I
don't do these nice things for myself, I am going to literally die of
the boredom, tedium, stress, or whatever of this shitty little life I
have created for myself.

And now I am in a state, for the whole world to see because of my
fishbowl, but I can't go home because I have too much work and I
don't want to suck up all of my PTO.



Date: Tue, 21 Oct 2003 12:33:09 -0700 (PDT)
From: J-Law
Subject: And here's a P.S. to my S.P.*

* S.P. being self-pity of course.

And now that all of this is coming out, I am faced with the fact that
my "everything is fabulous, sweetie" demeanor is a big facade, and I
have no idea who is under it, apart from the person who can't manage
her money, who can't commit to a career, and very much wants to spend
the rest of her life with John, except that how can anyone partner up
with someone who doesn't have her head and her ass wired together?


=============

ME:


*GIANT HUGS*

I feel ya, honey. This is definitely a question for Dr. K.

I occasionally drift into Harsh Reality where I see things clearly
and feel incredibly bad about my life choices, debts, etc. It's an
uncomfortable place to visit, I wouldn't want to live there.

Try and do something productive while you have things in such vivid
focus. This reality check may not need to be another session of
beating yourself up for making mistakes, it could be an opportunity
for you to try and lay things out logically and get a starting
point on what needs to happen in order to find your way out. Does
your planner have any $-tracking pages? Can you write up a list of
expected expenses for the next bearable amount of time to think about
(week, 2 weeks, month?) and then compare that to what $ you know
you'll have coming in during that same time?

I have this issue, too. I know how hard it is. I know how much it
*sucks* to just work and pay bills and never have any fun or any nice
new things...it *sucks*. I haven't figured out how to do it without
hating myself, my life, and feeling horribly deprived. But...mostly,
I do it anyway. Because hopefully if I do it consistently for long
enough, I'll eventually be able to afford a real life, or a fun job,
or at least to get this one down to PT.

*hugs hugs hugs* I love you. I'd love you if you were in a gunny sack
in the backwoods instead of Valentino and Prada and Versace and your
awesome apartment. :) I'd even love you if you worked at Wal Mart.

XOXOXOXO!