1645Interesting Unsent letters on Dland

Sep. 22, 2003

 

 

sound like anyone we know??

---
2003-09-22: 11:14 a.m.

Dear X-BPD


I now understand that you never existed, that you were but a figment
of my imagination; a dream turned into a nightmare. I have solved
your riddle, but still I wonder, who you were?


I realize you cannot answer that for if you knew who you were, you
wouldn't be suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. Perhaps
you're not even aware that that is what you suffer from. Perhaps
you're not even aware that that is the poison that all your "soul
mates" ended up suffering from.


From the begining you frightened me. You came on so strong. You
mirrored my every dream. You climbed into my mind and presented me
with a vision of someone who never existed and foolishly, I allowed
my heart to foll


Do you see yourself in the following?

"So often the demand of the person with Borderline Personality
Disorder is - RESCUE ME! Borderlines are seeking the rescue in the
here and now that they required in the past. More often than not
borderlines seeking to be rescued will manipulate through acting out
behavior or through recapitulating past traumatic events, in the here
and now. This is a dissociative phenomeno

In many ways borderlines are very intelligent and capable people -
competent. Then suddenly, they are seemingly helpless and in need of
rescue. Often the understanding of what is behind the differences in
presentation is as much a mystery to the borderline as it is to those
around him/her.


Manipulating to be rescued speaks also to the relational style of
those with BPD. They will relate like "top dog" one minute and like a
total "under dog" the next. There is little to no in between.


The borderline world is made up of polar opposites, of the black and
the white. Therefore the borderline is either better than you,
stronger than you, above you, or he/she is less than you, weaker than
you, beneath you, in his/her perceptions.

The inherent struggle for an autonomy that terrifies the borderline
(subconsciously they often become their own worst enemies--their own
abusers once removed from their actual past abusers --therefore they
do not trust their own autonomy and personal power any more than that
of their abusers) sees many a borderline attempt to take personal
responsibility only to turn on a dime, dump it and ask someone else
to take it, hold it and deal with it. This is part of seeking to be
rescued not only from the past but also from themselves. Add to this
that most borderlines (in the early stages of recovery) do not know
who they are. This is another scary part of why they are so willing
to abdicate to you or anyone else that will take control. But, the
second you take control the borderline will balk at that and attempt
to win control back. If they get it back they'll hate that too and
throw it back at you.


Borderlines seek to be rescued because emotionally they are still
very young. They may intellectually have the where-with-all of an
adult but not emotionally.


A big part of shirking one's own personal responsibility
and "collapsing" to be rescued is motivated by the borderline's
inability to hold (deal with and cope with) his/her own feelings, and
emotions. Feelings and emotions often give rise to a panic that
leaves a borderline feeling very unsafe and unsure and increases
his/her overall need to be taken care of.


A borderline will only crave to be rescued until you are seen to pass
the rescuing test. Once you commit yourself to engaging this aspect
of borderline drama you will find that what you are met with is anger
or rage at the prospect that somehow you know better than the
borderline does.

In the arena of a borderline seeking to be rescued anyone else in
that person's life will be walking ever so gently on the most
maddening eggshells at this point.


If one continues to be manipulated into providing rescue for a
borderline not only will that person be confused, hurt and no doubt
angry (sooner or later) but the borderline once again gets to side
step what is most needed in order to attain some recovery.....the
accepting of personal responsibility.


Easy for me to say right now.... not easy for a borderline to read
but if you have a borderline in your life the best thing you can do
(in the long run) for both yourself and your borderline is NOT engage
in any rescuing activity/behavior. This too, of course will be met
with rage. You will get rage no matter what you do until the
borderline learns to feel what hurts so badly.

If you are borderline and you don't know how to be alone, or how to
feel your own feelings or meet your own needs you are likely engaging
somewhere in your life in demanding rescue from others. Clearly, you
need to know that this behavior will almost always result in the
alienation of that person from you. (sooner or later). Seeking to be
rescued is not the answer. You do not need rescue anymore. If you are
borderline, what you need is to find yourself and to take care of
yourself by yourself."

Does any of that ring true for you? It certainly does for me. Months
of therapy has also helped me to see and understand who and what you
are. I now know that I wasn't your "soul mate". I now know that you
place that distinction upon all of your "lovers". I have come to
realize that though you're capable of injuring yourself, you're even
more capable of injuring others. You fear abandonment, I understand
that, I fear it too, but you are the one who abandons, you are the
one who is in constant need of rescue, and that is why you always
leave a relationship for someone new - for another "soul-mate".

You always said you couldn't deal with anger from others - was that a
means of control for you, or do you merely fear your own anger? How
unrealistic of you to demand I not be angry. How typical of your
disorder for you to be so damned demanding.


You can only see things in black and white. For you, there is no
grey. Your way is to push those closest to you away from you. If
things become too close for you with someone, you simply find
another -- someone you can manipulate, and the cycle begins anew. You
painted me black with so many silent treatments, and then you'd come
back to see if I was still there. You couldn't deal with my pain -
with the pain you caused me, so you'd abandon me again and again.


This last time, this last bout of silence... I have taken it and I
have ran with it. It's easy for me now to stay away from you because
I now know what, if not who, you are. You are ill. You are a highly
functioning, emotionally immature individual, and you and your
patterns will never change, unless YOU work on changing. I sincerely
hope that one day you do say to yourself "enough is enough". I do
hope that one day you realize the pain you caused me and the anger
that I felt when you so cruelly left me for another without so much
as a care for what I felt and for what we shared -- or at least --
for what I thought we had shared. I realize I was in it alone, that
you were mirroring me and when that mirror shattered, I caught my
first real glimpse of you. I now see the whole picture, how it was,
why it was, and I am truely glad it is over. I am happy you are no
longer in my life and that I am finally begining to heal... but you
know what? As deeply hurt as I was/still am, I do hope that someday
you'll find a way to heal yourself too. In other words, seek therapy
for your BPD.

Faretheewell.

2003-09-22: 12:07 a.m.

A few after thoughts to add to this entry..


I also see why gender and sexual preferrence never mattered to you.
Most people with BPD claim to be bi-sexual because they do not know
who they really are, thus, they're unaware of what gender to be
attracted to. Furthermore, they could be attracted to anyone, as long
as that anyone fits into the role of "rescuer". I also think that
explains your pattern of bouncing from male to female partners, even
if at first you were unaware of who I was.


Oh the internet, such an web of mystery and confusion. I wish I had
never hid behind this screen. Likewise, I wish I had never allowed
myself to be fully seen.

1646dog drama

Sep. 22, 2003

Well, it may be the beginning of the end for the doggie. Or maybe she
was just having really bad allergies. She threw up most of the day
yesterday and all night. I told Sweetie to block her in the kitchen so
she'd be barfing on a surface that was more easily cleaned, but he
didn't. Just kept putting paper towels over all the yarfs. And
letting them set. Because it's so much easier to clean up barf &
phlegm when you let it get all crusty. Not that he cares, because
he's never the one who runs the carpet shampooer, but still.

I imagine he won't take her to the vet today. I'd be horrified for
anyone to see her right now, anyway--nails all grown out, badly in
need of brushing, tail & hind area all pee-smelling....yecch. I feel
guilty because I don't do more for the dog, but then I get mad
because Sweetie's home all day, he's had her since he was 14 years old,
so why is it *my* job to make sure she's clean & well-groomed? I
guess because it's my job to do every damnthing else, that's why.

I spent the weekend being not-ugly and not-resentful, cooking and
cleaning and doing laundry & enjoying my little puttering, and
something just snapped last night I guess as I was trying to sleep
and the dog was yarfing and the lights were going on & off. feh.