I woke up too early, and couldn't really get back to sleep. Was up
before 7, just laid around having very light dreams until about 10.
Went out shopping & such. Got some bedroom slippers for when I decide
to put on PJ's at the Decemberween party. Looked for more xmas lites
like the white ones we have outside, didn't find any.
Went home, dropped off stuff, then put on makeup and a different
shirt for Rio's party. Cruised by Pease Park on my way out, saw that
E was there & A was driving away. So I parked and went over.
His left eye was very red, like pinkeye. He was very sad, he'd hit
a this morning, in front of her parents or while her parents
were at their house, anyway, and he was very upset with himself,
knowing in hindsight that there were other ways he could have dealt
with the situation. Her parents left, and they had been planning on
staying the weekend and helping them finish moving and unpacking at
the new place. He was so sad and angry and ashamed of himself. He said
that 5 years ago "when they went through some stuff over J" he
had promised he would never hit her again, and he'd broken his
promise. He said that in those 5 years she'd hit him, and he'd come
close, but never had. And he said that something has to change, he
can't go on being this way, he doesn't want to be the way he was this
a.m. I told him he needed to get counseling, and that they should
consider getting couples counseling to work through, that it would
take a lot of work to get healthy again, but that if he wanted a good
relationship with her, he would have to work for it. He emphasized
again that it was *his* fault and A didn't need anything. I said
I didn't blame A for this, and that it would be easier if I
could blame everything on her, but they made this mess together and
they feed off each other's pathology, an dthey''ll have to fix
themselves before they can repair the relationship or move on.
She came back, gave him the keys without saying anything to him, and
then went and sat as far away from him as she could. He told me that
it would mean alot to her if I went over and gave her a hug and let
her know that I didn't blame everything on her. So I did. She said
she had told him 5 years ago that if he ever hit her again, she'd
leave. But now they've gotten their property and their new house and
she doesn't want to lose all that. And the horses can be split up
but Arthur can't. I told her that ARthur is just a bird, an his
feelings aren't as important as her own feelings & well-being. I told
her that I had had to do a lot of soul-searching and praying an
crying before I could get to this point, but I'm now at the point
where I don't (and can't rationally) blame E's problems or even
all of the marriage's problems on her. Much as I'd like to. I told
her they needed counseling. She said she was going to draw up
a 'roommate agreement' and that for all intents & purposes they'd
be 'separated' even though legal separation isn't a thing in TX. I
told her that no matter what she did, even if she divorced him,
they'd both need help or they'd end up choosing partners who would
get into the same pathological patterns again--E will pick another
woman who makes him so mad he hits her, A will pick another man
who hits her. And the misery will go on. Until A figures out
what makes her pick abusive men, and E figures out why he picks
women who push all his violence buttons.
I can't understand why he'd hit her...I can't say that's 'ok'...it's
not. But he is my family, I still love him unconditionally and I
would still kill or die for him.
She told me she'd kill him if he ever hit her again, and joked that
she'd end up having to call me to bail her out of jail. If I did post
her bail, it would only be to take her out in the woods and execute
her.
This is the saddest thing about all of this: she said that after E
hit her, Her father hugged E and her mother told her that she
deserved to be hit if she stayed in a relationship where the man hit
her.
Which...technically, may be right, but a mother shouldn't be so cold
hearted as to say that when her child is standing there with a busted
lip crying.
I suspect that if she hadn't pitched a shit fit and thrown her
parents out at that point, her father probably would have hugged her
next. I wasn't there, so I'm not for 100% how it happened, but I
imagine that E hit her, she stormed out of the room, E stood
there feeling sad and guilty and shocked at his own violence, the Dad
hugged him, and then A came back in at that point, her mom said
her special caring words, and then A declared war against her
parents and threw them out.
Her parents are shitheads; her mom moreso than her dad. I am very
sorry and sad for her being raised by such dreadful people. But E
doesn't need to get sucked into all that pathology. He needs to get
out, get help, and hopefully get to a point of feeling that he
deserves better than an irrational, screechy, argumentative, verbally
{occasionally physically} abusive woman.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
