from Hildulf on the yahoo paganism message boards
The Field Guide to Neo-Pagandom
1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a
_Goddess_ and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some
scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to
know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Mispronounces God/dess names, has to think a moment about which is
deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes
with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.)
Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell
Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was
somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people
you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning
the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes
and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in
great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car,
but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying
Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead
of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are in
Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which
direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or
whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks
purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys
allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the
magical properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a
favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When
a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and
you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms...
pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to
you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All
too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has
an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas,
especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at
work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to
say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat.
Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers
and their spies. Non- distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous
tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think.
Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky
headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up.
Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly
displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of
corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means,
they'll think you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger,
difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant,
impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always
wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key
for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation,
eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned.
Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence
with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press
release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them
to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen
unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on.
Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a
snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant
worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell
Curve_ with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has
never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast
destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black
eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person.
If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise
to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several
variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or
somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by
aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane
symbolism that they will tell you all about, in _great_ detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with
various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly
designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do
boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with
lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real
fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken
Ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without
ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a
couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to
these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other
hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have
a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever
experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so,
congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an
orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High
Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have
more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their
main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby
Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina
Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on
their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must
_really_ be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an
oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_ be
_way_ true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle
wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes
that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare
not call themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted
Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's
gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings.
Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly
executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally
owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit
animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when
looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters
found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a
worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-
imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is
actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the
right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the
Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at
the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for
someone to do or say something _bad_. Has loud and attention
attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as
advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is
rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now,
you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was
the most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it
would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when
anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek
jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks
of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of
space ships.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many
cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for
their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism
is about a Goddess and a God and they do it and what could be more
obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other
way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump
their tender hetero bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Living spaces abound with depiction's of satyrs with enormous
genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed Goddesses. Long manicured nails
and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_ -- men have big, bushy
beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with
festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for
running around with a huge battle-axe in one hand and a full mead
horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp,
you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes,
with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't
buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in
silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly
button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never
saw so much Egyptian God/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole
life.
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