EJ 3/26/02

 

 

 

411Accounting class

 

• Mar. 26, 2002

   

  Gah, I have such a mental block against math. I can feel the fricken
  doors closing and the harder I fight to force the information into my
  head, the harder the doors close on me. I am filled with such disgust
  and shame in myself. I don't know what to do. It's only 4 classes, so
  I will probably stick it out, just sit there for 4 hours each night,
  hating myself and feeling stupid, beating myself up for refusing to
  understand and insisting on failing. Maybe that's why mistakes become
  more expensive and time consuming as you get older--you actually
  stick it out and stay until the bitter end, wheras when you're a kid,
  you just quit as soon as something isn't fun anymore.
  
  Why is it that for the most part I'd rather quit than fail? Either is
  shameful and horrible, but at least if I stick it out and fail
  anyway, I will have tried. I guess I just don't want to admit to
  myself that there is something I can't do. And I am sure I can, if
  the goddamned doors inside my brain wouldn't close against learning
  something new, against being challenged.
  
  I will stick it out. It's only 3 more classes. Maybe I will actually
  learn something.
  
  

  412 March Magpie numbers

   

  • Mar. 26, 2002

     

    Excalibur
    3/9: $114
    3/10: 54
    3/16: 95.50
    3/17: 21
    3/23: 74 (double check, I don't have it with me)
    3/24: 36.50
    ===========
    395 ($16 is Dee's)
    
    Natural Magic
    3/24: $124
    
    Costs: $55=NM booth
    $300=Excalibur booth
    ~$20 per weekend, food ($60 so far)
    ~$15 per weekend, gas ($45 so far)
    
    So, I can plan on this month costing me $495
    And let's say I make another $100 on Saturday 30th and something like
    $40 on Sunday 31st, so my total Magpies income for March will be
    about $643.
    
    All that work, all that free time gone, for less than $150.
    
    SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    

    413 Jen and I, sidekicks

     

    • Mar. 26, 2002

       

      I took the quiz and got Lynn from "Girls just want to have fun."
      I havent' seen the movie yet, but the description was just like
      Jen. "Your sidekick is Lynn from Girls Just Want to have fun. She is
      one fearless female. She helps you to discover what a kick-ass, risk-
      taking, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person you can be. Even
      if you don't want to. She's witty and clever, fiercely loyal and a
      total blast."--is that not Jen to a T? :)
      http://glitterstars.com/shescrafty/quizzes/lynn.htm
      
      She took the quiz and got Duckie, from "pretty in pink." She says
      that's me. :)
      "He's one seriously loyal, devoted guy. Consistent as gravity. he
      knows you almost better than you know yourself. That's a good thing
      and a bad thing; he knows exactly how to pick you up when you're down
      and exactly how to put you back there."
      
      http://glitterstars.com/shescrafty/quizzes/duckie.htm

  
  
  
  
  
  
   

414 I get tired

 

• Mar. 26, 2002

   

  I get tired of chasing people and trying to keep relationships going
  when it seems that the other people aren't interested. Do I suck that
  much? Am I that rotten and boring and stupid and unworthy of regard?
  Andrew
  Monica
  Pam
  Liz
  Rio
  Dee
  Keith
  Kate
  Pat
  Eric
  Andrea
  Father
  Cousin Weez
  
  I am too proud to beg. Please love me. Please pay attention to me. I
  am lonely and sad. I want to smile and laugh with people. I want to
  spend time talking with you. I want to know what you've been up to. I
  want to make peace. How fucking pathetic. An invitation to use me as
  a doormat, kick me in the teeth, insult me, abuse me, use me for
  whatever you can get, and then leave. I'd rather pretend I don't need
  you than admit how much I miss the closeness I've had with people in
  the past and don't have with anyone anymore.
  
  I get tired of working and not getting anything out of it. The
  computer at work doesn't record our production properly and everyone
  seems to know this, but it doesn't stop the boss from sending snippy
  notes about needing to get our numbers up. It's arbitrary beyond
  belief.
  
  I get tired of being creative and not seeing any payoff for that. Why
  waste my time and money on stuff that nobody appreciates, nobody
  buys, bla bla. I don't know how many times people have told me I
  don't charge enough for my stuff...but nobody goddamn buys it at a
  cheap price, so what would it gain me to raise the price? They still
  wouldn't buy it. Plus it would screw up the calculations I use for
  filing my taxes.
  
  I get tired of living when there is no joy in it. No pleasure, no
  fun, no profit. No reason for any of it. Just day after day of
  waiting to die. 40 or so more goddamned years of being miserable and
  mostly unloved and uncared for. Just getting older and more bitter
  and less marketable and dying dying every day. Without the courage or
  conviction to just end it now,today,and forget about the rest of it.