414 I get tired

[evile]

 

• Mar. 26, 2002

   

  I get tired of chasing people and trying to keep relationships going
  when it seems that the other people aren't interested. Do I suck that
  much? Am I that rotten and boring and stupid and unworthy of regard?
  Andrew
  Monica
  Pam
  Liz
  Rio
  Dee
  Keith
  Kate
  Pat
  Eric
  Andrea
  Father
  Cousin Weez
  
  I am too proud to beg. Please love me. Please pay attention to me. I
  am lonely and sad. I want to smile and laugh with people. I want to
  spend time talking with you. I want to know what you've been up to. I
  want to make peace. How fucking pathetic. An invitation to use me as
  a doormat, kick me in the teeth, insult me, abuse me, use me for
  whatever you can get, and then leave. I'd rather pretend I don't need
  you than admit how much I miss the closeness I've had with people in
  the past and don't have with anyone anymore.
  
  I get tired of working and not getting anything out of it. The
  computer at work doesn't record our production properly and everyone
  seems to know this, but it doesn't stop the boss from sending snippy
  notes about needing to get our numbers up. It's arbitrary beyond
  belief.
  
  I get tired of being creative and not seeing any payoff for that. Why
  waste my time and money on stuff that nobody appreciates, nobody
  buys, bla bla. I don't know how many times people have told me I
  don't charge enough for my stuff...but nobody goddamn buys it at a
  cheap price, so what would it gain me to raise the price? They still
  wouldn't buy it. Plus it would screw up the calculations I use for
  filing my taxes.
  
  I get tired of living when there is no joy in it. No pleasure, no
  fun, no profit. No reason for any of it. Just day after day of
  waiting to die. 40 or so more goddamned years of being miserable and
  mostly unloved and uncared for. Just getting older and more bitter
  and less marketable and dying dying every day. Without the courage or
  conviction to just end it now,today,and forget about the rest of it.