So....why do I feel so guilty when I do this???

[evile]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:


Whenever I meet someone new, male or female, I remember my "ideal relationship" list - my list for a partner also represents most of the things I would like in my friendships. When I'm deciding whether I want someone to be my friend, I think of the things on my list that are most important to me, and where I'm willing to compromise.

"Respects my boundaries" should be at the top of my list for any relationship, and when I meet someone new, I pay attention to the signals that show me if they have this quality. I may set boundaries as simple as, "Please don't call after eight o'clock," or "I can't see you tomorrow because I have other plans," or "I don't feel comfortable inviting you over yet."

If these simple boundaries are ignored, I will let the relationship go, knowing that once someone ignores simple boundaries, they will most likely ignore the more important ones. Better to get out now than to repeat past mistakes.

You are reading from the book:

Time to Break Free by Judith R. Smith

Time
to Break Free © 1999 by Judith R. Smith. All rights reserved. Printed
in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be
reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

________________________________________________________

Comments

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

This book disturbs me.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

why is that?

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

It's so black and white. I understand that yes, some people are abusive, but not all people, even if it seems they are being abusive in the situation.

I dunno, I had read some of it a couple years ago when I started to go through therapy and it just didn't settle well with me. I kept getting mad at all the blanket statements.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I understand. I also can see why a recovery/self help program would need to deal in absolutes or dogma.

A healthy person can see shades of grey and respond appropriately for that particular situation. A person with poor to nonexistent boundary- setting experiences has to first learn how to set unbreakable, absolute boundaries and *then* learn when and where flexibility may be appropriate.

On feeling guilty

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

I'd guess that at some point in your past, you were either flat-out not allowed to have boundaries, or they were not consistently respected, and as a result, some part of you doesn't believe you get to have boundaries, and that part of you is provoking the guilt.

My guess may be right on the money, or it may be beyond left field, as in, totally out of the ballpark altogether. (Heck, I'll allow as any of my guesses aren't even in the same county as what's actually going on.) It's back to you to figure out if there's any merit to that guess.

Re: On feeling guilty

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Could be. I don't have any concrete memories of such, but it's very possible.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

That is the kind of boundary making that I tend to do, rather than cut most people out of my life completely (there are a few of those, too, though)...just always make sure that the interactions are superficial and I'm not in a situation where I can get cornered and monopolized. It's really hard for me to be rude in response to rudeness. For example, I say "I need to leave at 2" and the person keeps on yammering and it's 2:05 and I REALLY need to get going but I can't bring myself to interrupt their fascinating play-by-play rendition of last night's American Idol show so that I can get to leave on time. I wonder why that is?

gr.