The Silent Treatment

[evile]

Saying to someone "I'm going to let you have it and then I'm not going to speak to you or listen to you any more," is manipulative and abusive. If you're gonna do it to me, fucking own it.
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http://www.kensavage.com/archives/silent-treatment/

The Silent Treatment – What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All

Probably at one time or another you have been either on the giving or receiving end of a silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Do you know what the anterior cingulate cortex does?

The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.

The silent treatment can be a very destructive behavior when it involves personal relationships. Let’s say with a husband and wife for instance. The silent treatment breeds bitterness on both ends and it borders on emotional abuse… I’m not making that up to be dramatic. That’s what “they” say.
Cooling Off And Ostracizing Are Two Very Different Things

Let’s not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state need time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s fine and actually that’s probably better than sitting and screaming at each other.

There is a big difference between taking some time to cool down and outright ignoring the existence of the other person. The silent treatment would be more along the lines of you doing something that pisses someone off, they clue you in on it (or not), and then they don’t speak to you, acknowledge you or even make eye contact with you for sometimes days. No good.

To me, this is a form of torture. Nothing positive comes from this type of behavior. What makes more sense…blowing up about something, cooling off a little and then talking about how to resolve it OR not blowing up about something, staying completely pissed and not doing anything to help resolve the situation? If you said the latter… you’re a dick.

When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less.
When You Are On The Receiving End Of The Silent Treatment

It’s interesting to me that research has shown that woman and men respond to the silent treatment very differently. Woman who are on the receiving end of the silent treatment seem to try anything in their power to win back their good grace with the ostracize where men…don’t. They just deal with it.

But what exactly are the men just dealing with and the woman trying to avoid? The emotional pain associated with being ostracized. Those who have been treated to the silent treatment have reported as sense of loss, of not belonging, of lower self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness. All of these feelings are the result of someone just not acknowledging them or ignoring them. I find that pretty interesting.

I can say that I honestly don’t ever remember giving someone the silent treatment…not anyone that it would matter to anyway. I don’t think I have it in me to do that to someone. Why you ask? Because I’ve had it done to me, I know what it feels like and it totally sucks. I’m more the type of person that would like to blow up about something, probably say some things I don’t really mean, apologize for saying the things I don’t really mean and then move towards resolution. But hey…that’s just me.

Comments

A friend's comment elsewhere:

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between, "I'm really angry and it's best that I take some time to clear my head and speak while I'm not in a rage and I dictate who speaks to me when and you can go away."

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

yeah...people in relationships can't treat each other like that, it ruins trust.

I'm not good at unpleasant conversations and I sure as hell dont *like* them, but to me, it's a matter of showing respect. I may not like someone or agree with them, but I'm willing to respect their humanity enough to at leadt try to hear and consider what they have to say, even if it's unpleasant or hurtful....it offends me when others won't at least give me that level of respect/consideration. To me, it says 'you are not even human, your thoughts and feelings don't even exist'....why should I respect or be kind to or show compassion for a person who treats me and my feelings as if I and my feelings have no right to even exist?

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

then again, if you come from a certain type of home situation, the silent treatment is probably the only 'weapon' you have to protect yourself from more abuse by parent or s.o. I imagine it's hard to learn healthier ways to behave, even if you're out of that situation and dealing with people who are not out to hurt you, but whose needs, thoughts, and feelings may not be compatible with your own. Easier to go back to the old pattern rather than try something new...