One last post on _Feeling Good Together_

[evile]

So...what it boils down to is:

LISTENING SKILLS
1. The Disarming Technique [Agree with your attacker.]



2. Empathy- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through their eyes.

Thought empathy [repeat what the other person said, so that they'll know you got the message]


Feeling empathy [acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling, given what they've just said to you]



3. Inquiry: You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.


SELF-EXPRESSION SKILLS

4. I “feel” statements: Shift to “I feel” rather than “you” statements. i.e. “you’re wrong” or “You make me furious!”


5. Stroking: You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person even in the heat of battle. You convey an attitude of respect, even though you may feel very angry with the other person. [you do not have to be fake or lie, you CAN acknowledge your feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment, without turning it into an attack or counter-attack]

====================

& good luck remembering to do any of these things when you're very hurt or angry.

Which is why I, personally, tend to shut down and/or walk away when people offend me. For me, silence is preferable to yelling or crying. But, of course, the hours/days/weeks/ months/years of stewing, rehashing in my own mind, grudge-holding, 'shoulda-coulda-woulda' that I put myself thru after the fact, are NOT healthy or productive.

*sigh*

I have all these good theoretical tools at hand. Putting them into use will be challenging.

Comments

[mseuphrates.livejournal.com]

Ah...but here's the rub.
What do you do when you use every trick in the book (and honestly - I've been a student of "active listening" and "non-violent communication" for decades, most of this is innate for me)...and the other person doesn't. Ever.

That was the problem with my ex-girlfriend. I could never figure out how to communicate with her at all. It didn't matter how I phrased things, she'd twist them, if I took ownership of my stuff, she'd just agree with me that I should own that, and wouldn't take responsibility for any of hers, if I found the good stuff to point out, she'd pat herself on the back and never do it back... It was tossing someone the ball, and having them keep it every time. And no matter how calm I was, how level-headed and reasonable I tried to be, how I'd try to stick to the issue and not anything personal, she'd poke and push and goad me until I blew up (so she could then feel justified in "being a victim, now you have to make me feel better" and thus derail the conversation from fixing *anything* or resolving any problems).

Every.
Single.
Time.

I got more books. I gave the books to her, in the hopes maybe hearing it from an "objective source" would help. But she likes her filters, wouldn't actually listen to anything I said but constructed her own reality, and then punished me for it.

Every.
Single.
Time.

I never figured out how to fix that.
*sigh*

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

yeah...I don't think one person has the capability of making a relationship healthy & functional all by herself. The other person has to be willing to work, also. These techniques only work if all parties involved are willing to start from the premise that "This relationship is important to me, and the feelings and well-being of everyone in the relationship are important to me," not from the POV of needing to 'win' and be 100% right. That is treating the other person like a thing, or like the enemy. Totally non conducive to intimacy.

Or, as the Usual Error gals say, you start by realizing you're on the same team.

[mseuphrates.livejournal.com]

Who are also on my f-list, btw. :) I am SO gonna need to come to Austin for a visit soon. LOL

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

You'd be welcome any time :)

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

Stroking works really well. I've used it many times when I worked in the health care industry - especially with people who have a tendancy towards violence.

You know about the whole "remembering this in the heat of the moment". I have often thought of the principle that is practiced in martial arts - the sparring technique - where you spar with an equal in a safe setting, giving just enough adrenaline to somewhat simulate a real dangerous encounter.

I've asked my husband that we could do this - a sort of role playing of arguments and situations in a safe setting. Then we could practice on communicating effectively before we get into a "tough" situation.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

yeah, that role playing thing is done often in therapy. I think it would be hard to do if you weren't a professional. In fact, I remember reading something in Dr. Hendrix's Imago books about one stage in healing a relationship being a role-play scenario, and how it can be really & truly dangerous if you aren't being supervised by a therapist...apparently one partner is somewhat 'regressed' to a childhood state, and the other partner is in a 'parental' role so that the child can confront the parent about not having their childhood needs met and the 'parent' can help them resolve those issues...it is a very fragile state for both partners, a lot of trust & such. A lot of potential for either or both partners to be very hurt from that.

I dunno...I guess I would try and use these 5 steps on things that aren't emotionally fraught, like deciding where to go for dinner, or what to do with ones weekend...so that they steps are somewhat automatic and maybe would stay with me when a disagreement or misunderstanding comes up.
(http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/a-laypersons-perspective-on-the-theories-and-research-which-show-why-imago-works-so-effectively-) ()

[lynnivere.livejournal.com]

Ya, I'm a big fan of "attack the problem, not the person." Even leaving some relationships with the clear understanding that these long discussed behaviours weren't safe or healthy for me but I respect the persons right to keep behaving that way as long as they feel it works for em'. I'll just be at a safe distance.. over there.

I'm starting to think in terms of "address" instead of "attack", that way we take the attack out of it completely.

You listed some really good info. Thanks!

Very cool

[lady-katheryn.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting! :)