Quora: Although a Narcissist can't love, can they find someone compatible

 

Although a Narcissist can't love, can they find someone compatible, i.e. all similar interests and make it work without conflict?

No. Narcissists need conflict. It makes them feel important and alive. Without a constant flare of DRAMA in their lives, they feel uncomfortable and unhappy. If they find a person who shares all of their interests in life, they’ll find a way to make that person unhappy. (and, truthfully, very few of the narcissists 'interests' are truly their own, they generally tend to stalk a new source and pretend to share that person's interests in order to draw them in.)

Maybe you share a fandom,; the NPD will start fights and conflicts in your fan group and eventually force you to choose between the fan group and the narc.

Maybe you share religion The NPD will start conflict and drama within the church you attend, possibly go behind your back starting rumors and smearing you to everyone in your church, or maybe stirring up some false accusations against a pastor or church leader, once again forcing you to choose between ‘having the narc’s back’ and your faith community.

This can get dangerous and crazy very quickly; you may find yourself in legal difficulties, you may find yourself quitting jobs, you may find yourself with no friends and no support groups whatsoever because the narcissist keeps forcing conflicts and drama and keeps forcing you to choose the narcissist and not your friends, family, fandom, and faith.

Oh, and if it wasn’t obvious: if you do attempt to choose a friend, family member, fandom, or faith above your narc, you will be vilified, abused, scorned, and possibly harmed or even murdered by your lovely narcissist. If you do not devote yourself 24/7/365 to pleasing, appeasing, placating, and serving your narcissist, they will turn their abusive, divisive, nasty nature on you. Heck, even if you DO devote yourself 24/7/365 to the narc’s happiness, they will nitpick, find fault, and heap abuse and scorn on you for being such a wimpy loser.

I have a loved one working themselves into an early grave—a regular 9–5 job to give the narc a paycheck and health coverage, then comes home to do all the housework and yard work, and then all the shit-work labor for the narc’s ‘successful independent business’ evenings and weekends, and for all of this, they are considered a “pathetic, loser, wage slave” by their narc.

The only way to have a happy relationship and a happy life is to NOT have a relationship or a life shared with an abuser.

=======================

 Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. 

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

 

Quora: How do I know if I am a victim of narcissist abuse?

You don’t need a label for it; if someone is treating you in a way that makes you feel unhappy, unsafe, or abused, then you know enough to do something about it.

If you bring up your concerns about the way you are being treated and the person continues to mistreat you or you continue to feel unhappy and unsafe in the relationship, then you know enough to leave.

If you don’t even feel that it is safe to express your concerns and share your feelings, then you know it’s time to exit the relationship.

If you feel safe expressing your unmet needs and your feelings of unhappiness with the relationship, and the other person listens, understands, and makes changes to their behavior, then it is likely the person is not a narcissist and the relationship may improve if you both keep working on it—communication and changes in behavior must be consistent, respectful, and fair.

And, if, for whatever reason, you choose to remain in a relationship that is making you feel bad, then you may need some professional help in finding out why you prefer to define yourself with victimhood/martyrdom rather than wanting a good relationship of partners and equals.

=======================

 Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. 

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Quora: Would revealing the narcissist’s behaviour to their family be worth it?

Would revealing the narcissist’s behaviour to their family be worth it? Would reporting her shady behaviour to her job bring satisfaction?

 In my experience, this isn’t worth it. In hindsight, pointing out narcissistic abuse to my family has made me look jealous, petty, vindictive, and crazy. Especially since in many cases, I am the only one who witnessed the episode of abuse (other than the target, who takes the abuser’s side and has been repeatedly brainwashed by the narcissist into believing things that just didn’t happen.) And the abuser is fairly careful not to abuse in front of parents and grandparents & other family members, for the most part. One sibling witnessed an abusive incident when we were together, but after the fact did not want to be involved or say anything to anyone about it.

Reporting behavior to a workplace is a tricky legal matter*; unless the situation is one in which:

1. you are a firsthand witness and/or
2. someone’s life or physical safety is at stake, and/or
3. your career or credentials make you a mandatory reporter.

I would think very hard and long about contacting their employer. What are your goals in doing so, what is the intended outcome, and, most importantly, what are your weaknesses or vulnerabilities if the narcissist abuser decides to get revenge? It could be anything from a false report to your workplace, to punctured tires to vandalism to just general unpleasantness and drama among mutual friends, family members, or social groups. There’s not a lot of ways to ‘win’ there. In your shoes, I would leave it alone. It is not worth the headache and the potential for retaliation or harassment in-kind, or physical violence &/or threats against your person, property, or livelihood.

I’ve intervened in the past when I saw an unsuspecting person about to utilize the services of my ‘professional expert’ in-law and it really didn’t help the situation at all. And because my ‘professional expert’ in-law is a narcissistic abuser, they turned right around and made false claims to my employer for revenge. I got a month-long paid break from work out of the deal, but unfortunately I could not persuade my higher-ups to file charges against the person for making a false report to a government agency (yes, it’s a crime, Imagine that!)

Knowing what I know now, I give you the benefit of my hindsight and hopes that you won’t make the same mistakes I have: just stay away from this person, if at all possible. Don’t give them any time, attention, or energy.

If it is a matter of life-or-death or if you are legally mandated to report the type of abuse you have actually seen first-hand, go ahead and do so, but be careful. Be anonymous if at all possible.

*Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. If you are considering taking legal action against an abuser in your life, please search for a lawyer who specializes in "high conflict'
=======================

 Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. 

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.