The Silent Treatment is a form of Emotional Abuse[1] It is a control tactic used by abusers to make you doubt your perceptions. It is a punishment, when someone you love and care about, or someone you depend on for survival (such as when you are a child and they are the parent) refuses to even acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings and needs. The person dealing out the silent treatment is trying to establish that they are the one in control, they are the one with the resources, and they are the ones who decide the terms of your association. The silent treatment is arbitrary and cruel. It is meant to keep their victim guessing, apologizing, grovelling, and begging for attention or regard from the person who is ignoring them. It’s a mind game. You are a yo-yo on the string.
Grey Rock (and also No Contact) is not a 'mind' game played by the target against the Narcissist. It is a way to keep yourself safe when forced to deal with an abusiver personality. You do not give them any handle with which to grab on to you. You keep your responses neutral-to-pleasant, polite but not personal. You don’t react to gossip, snarking, sniping, passive-agressive nonsense, you don’t take any lies or accusations personally, and thus you do not provide any fuel for the fires of drama.
'No Contact' may appear from the outside to be just another 'Silent Treatment,' but the goal is far different. The Narcissist/abuser gives their victim the Silent Treatment as a means of control, to force their target to apologize, grovel, and otherwise jump through hoops and juggle flaming objects in order to prove loyalty and once again be ‘graced’ by the Narcissist’s regard.
No Contact is for when you are done with the Narcissist Abuser and their mind-games. If you don’t share children or any other ties with an abuser and you are ready to be free, you stop talking to them completely. You don’t answer their calls, emails, or texts, you don't speak to them if you see them in public. You block them on social media. You change the subject if someone brings them up in conversation. You erase them from your life. You aren’t trying to control or punish that person, you are just done with them and their chaos and you no longer allow them in your life. The End. It is final. It’s not a game or a manipulation tactic, it is you granting yourself closure and permission to move along with your life and choose only safe and healthy people to love and spend time with.
I mean, of course the narc is going to spin it as you giving them the Silent Treatment, but for the sake of your own health and future, you just can’t care what they say or think about you any more, ever again. If mutual friends try to tell you what the Narc is saying about your cruelty and giving them the Silent Treatment, you must change the subject. If people refuse to change the subject & keep wanting to spread gossip and drama about the person, end your relationship with them as well. It’s not pretty or fun. You may lose people you cared about, but people who don’t respect boundaries are not good people to keep in your life. It’s hard to keep mutual friends/acquaintances with a narcissist abuser, because the narc is always trying to recruit flying monkeys. So you may lose people you loved and respected. Unfortunately, this is a reality when cutting ties with a narcissist/ abuser.
Footnotes
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