Feb. 27th, 2021

evile: (mask)
Why does everyone want to get back at a Narc? This is a mental disorder that can't be helped. Narcissists are traumatized individuals that didn't properly develop into grown-ups. They were bullied, abused, etc. read reputable medical literature.
 


I would avoid using such hyperbole as “everyone”. Not ‘everyone’ wants to take vengeance on their narcissistic abuser. this is not ‘always’ the case.

When you find yourself speaking in absolutes, it’s likely that you are engaging in one or more cognitive distortions [1]

 

Some people have irrational thoughts that tend toward these distortions. It’s important to try and maintain a sense of self-awareness, to always be willing to question thoughts and beliefs, especially the ones that bring you distress, such as the assumption that ‘everyone’ is out to hurt the people who hurt them first or worst. Behaving that way doesn’t feel good, and ultimately it doesn’t help anyone, either the narcissist or their target. So it’s good to recognize that demonizing others doesn’t really help you get where you want to be, or make you into a person that you can admire.

I feel it’s a pretty normal part of the grieving process when a relationship ends, for anyone, to feel some anger and maybe spend some time wishing harm or misfortune on the person who they feel has harmed them. It’s not healthy to stay in that mindset, but it’s important for healing to allow yourself to feel anger and understand that is part of the process.

No, it’s not productive to try and punish a narcissist after they have discarded you, or after you have left him or her. And I don’t feel that the idea of ‘punishment’ is an appropriate behavior between mature adults in a relationship of equals. So, in that regard, you are correct in identifying that it’s not healthy or productive to try and ‘get back’ at a narcissist.

With passage of time and creation of new, positive relationships, it may even be that one can look back at their relationship with a narcissist abuser and recognize that the narcissist is a very sick and pitiful person. Being able to feel compassion for someone who has caused harm is a very noble emotion to have, and it’s a wonderful place of peace to find that compassionate and kind best part of yourself, and to act from that heart of kindness towards others. We don’t need to allow ourselves to be used, abused or mistreated by a narcissist to find that heart of compassion, we can recognize a toxic person, offer silent blessings, and move along our own path to make our own best life. I hope that is what your question ultimately leads you to think and believe, as well.

Footnotes


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evile: (lamson)
https://photos.app.goo.gl/Wmg9obfKXXKziVbw6

We were without power for just under 60 hours.  The house only got down to 46, according to the thermostat in the hall. It may have gotten colder in the kitchen and dining room since there's a lot of windows there. Thax had brought me some flowers for Valentine's Day and the lilies ended up getting that transparent frostbitten look that I remembered from working in the flowershop--the look of flowers that got too cold &/or touched the wall of the walk in flower fridge.  So that tells me the dining room may have gotten to 40 or less.

We have a gas powered fireplace so we moved a futon mattress and lots of blankets into the living room in front of the fire, wore lots of layers & had a bunch of  blankets & just snuggled with the dogs. We read books and napped and warmed things up over the fire for hot things to drink and eat--I now see why our ancestors liked soups so much, much easier to keep from burning that. We weren't really all that hungry during the week of snow, but I fed the dogs twice a day as always and warmed things up for us every now and then because it seemed we should eat
 I had made a big pot of beans and a shepherd's pie in the days before the snowstorm, so we warmed those up and ate them for days.  

We had stocked up on hot cider mix, cocoa, rum, and whiskey so we stayed pretty toasty. We also warmed up some mead that we'd bought at some point or another. Our Viking ancestors knew what they were doing when they invented mead!  

The dogs hated the snow the first few days but by Wednesday or Thursday they were OK with going out and really really wanted a walk so we took a short one through the neighborhood.  I had put down puppy pads for them in case they refused to go out, but they were very good about going out for potty, even though they didn't like it. Our terrier mix Liam learned to appreciate snuggling under blankets; normally he is a rather independent sleeper. The bassett-lab Boba, of course, is a big snuggle-bear and was a great help in keeping warm at night.


Thax's birthday was 2/16 and I made him pancakes over the fire. Burned the first one a little but the rest were fine.  Pretty pitiful birthday celebration. We did have leftover cake from when I'd decided to make a Mardi Gras-themed cake the previous week. It wasn't much of  a celebration, but since we're in a pandemic anyway, it wouldn't have been much of one either way. :/

The time without electricity and light was a sort of endless/timeless thing that is already almost fading in memory because there wasn't much to mark the passage of time other than dark and light.  
 
We never lost water or gas, thank goodness. I'm thinking we need a gas stove; there's already a valve but it's a hassle to get gas-powered appliances because you have to get a city employee to come out and check the connection and approve it before you can use the appliance. I just remember it being a hassle when we replaced our gas water heater a few years ago, and I lost some days at work due to having to wait around for the various service people & city employees to come and do their various things. But that water heater is my best friend after last week--I would not have done as well if I had not been able to take a hot shower and thaw out a couple of times during the week. I tried to be sparing, knowing that others were in need of water, but I did get (and greatly appreciate) my hot showers.
 
My work was closed last week so I didn't get paid for a week but it's OK. They're offering extra hours to make up for it. One of the contractors in the group that got trained and started a week ahead of my group got on permanent/full time, so it's nice to see that is actually possible. I really like a 20  hour work week, though. And the money is fine so I don't really *need* to work any longer than that, and I suspect I would not enjoy it as much if it was full-time work. I enjoy my free time at home very much. I will enjoy it even more once this pandemic is under control and we can spend time out in the world with friends and family again.

I was frustrated during the times we had internet access that I saw friends and family having problems and due to the combination of extremely dangerous icy roads and pandemic, being helpless to offer anything in the way of help or shelter to anyone. Of everything in this situation, that was the worst.

There's a lot of outrage at elected officials and ERCOT
 right now. I wonder if the people's anger will last and be able to overcome the gerrymandering in Texas next time these folks are up for re-election. I have hope but no expectations in that regard; if it were entirely up to me, of course, I'd be living in Belize right now. Second choice: Colorado. Yes, they have snow every winter, BUT the correct infrastructure is there and houses are built to withstand such events. Texas is/was not. Additionally, Colorado has legalized some things that Texas doesn't seem to want to legalize, and ended qualified immunity and taken steps against civil forfeiture, both of which seem like egregious government overreach to me.  It seems to me that Colorado is heading in a better direction than Texas is.  And Belize, though it is a third world nation in many aspects, does  have affordable healthcare, organic foods, and what appears to me to be robust communities that look out for one another, which we don't have here. And, again, unlike Texas, Belize seems to be improving its infrastructure while continuing to protect its ecosystem, and getting better and better rather than trending towards ruin.

We are living in strange times, that's for sure.   So that's the storm and my general state of mind these days. 

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