![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So, there's some wisdom I've managed to absorb about Forgiveness, after however umpty million years of not getting it. It's not a transaction, and it's only for your own peace of mind. As I learned at an evening with the Toltec Center here in town a while back, "Someone hurt you once. The story you tell yourself about them hurting you is what is continuing to hurt you," So the key is to stop hurting yourself with that story. To accept it and move on and stop letting that story hurt you, stop resenting that person for hurting you once, to make peace with it and let it go. You aren't telling the person "what you did is OK" and you aren't telling the person "you are allowed to hurt me again," and you aren't even telling the person "I allow you back into my life"....the forgiveness is to release the pain and the power you've given that person and that experience to define you.
I find myself today going back through various events and relationships and recognizing that I behaved in ways that were harmful to others (sometimes the same others who behaved in ways that were harmful to me).
Is there a form of apology that is also not a transaction between myself and the person I've hurt? Because in many/most of those situations, the person is no longer part of my life, the relationship is long gone, and by apologizing I don't really want to be saying "I want the relationship back," or "I want you back in my life," I just want to acknowledge the harm I did and say I feel bad about doing or saying it. In a way this seems cowardly and self serving. Like, what good is an apology if you aren't doing anything else to make amends, other than acknowledging your own part in an unhealthy dynamic? Forgiveness can be a one-party activity, but can apologies also be? It doesn't seem like it. I regret causing pain. I don't want to cause that person any more pain. I am trying not to repeat that mistake with anyone else who is currently part of my life. But being unwilling to enter back into a relationship, or make direct amends...seems to make the apology rather hollow, doesn't it? Cowardly. Unworthy. An attempt to soothe my own discomfort rather than any genuine concern for the other person's pain. Gross.
Is there a form of apology that is also not a transaction between myself and the person I've hurt? Because in many/most of those situations, the person is no longer part of my life, the relationship is long gone, and by apologizing I don't really want to be saying "I want the relationship back," or "I want you back in my life," I just want to acknowledge the harm I did and say I feel bad about doing or saying it. In a way this seems cowardly and self serving. Like, what good is an apology if you aren't doing anything else to make amends, other than acknowledging your own part in an unhealthy dynamic? Forgiveness can be a one-party activity, but can apologies also be? It doesn't seem like it. I regret causing pain. I don't want to cause that person any more pain. I am trying not to repeat that mistake with anyone else who is currently part of my life. But being unwilling to enter back into a relationship, or make direct amends...seems to make the apology rather hollow, doesn't it? Cowardly. Unworthy. An attempt to soothe my own discomfort rather than any genuine concern for the other person's pain. Gross.
So, in the cases I'm thinking of, do I simply (SIMPLY? haha!) have to forgive myself for harming a person and destroying a relationship so badly that the other person never wants anything to do with me again? And no apology can or should be made because I've been so toxic to someone that being around me is traumatic for them? Take the lesson and move on? Just accept that I will always be toxic and triggering to some of the people I've harmed and there's really nothing I can ever say or do to atone? It's sad but I think part of my apology/forgiveness journey is that I have to accept that, too.
===================
===================
ANATOMY OF AN APOLOGY Some of the elements of a genuine apology are:
1. The apology should acknowledge responsibility. The person making the apology needs to take responsibility for having done something wrong. It is an effort to right the balance between the offender and the offended. For example, saying, "I'm sorry that you're upset by what I said," is not taking responsibility for your actions and blames the other person for the upset.
2. The apology should be specific. It names the mistake that caused the harm. It is more than saying, "I'm sorry for what I did." It identifies the error that you've made. Generalities will not do.
3. The apology should express how the mistake hurt the other person. It should let the other person know that you understand their feelings. It should express some empathy for the other person. "I understand you were really worried that something might have happened to me when I was an hour late for dinner."
4. The apology may involve regret and guilt. The apology needs to express remorse. A real apology involves pain, suffering and soul-searching regret. It may express your concern that you have harmed your relationship and that you value the relationship.
5. The apology should express a willingness to change behaviour. It lets others know that the mistake will not occur again. Sometimes some sort of restitution is called for. One way of handling this would be to say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do." Or if you broke something of value, you can offer to replace it.
6. If the offence was public the apology should also be public. It is not fair to offend somebody publicly and then make an apology in private.
Most of all, an apology is a willingness to let go of the ego and treat another person with respect. It is an expression of honesty. It is a sign of strength rather than a sign of weakness.
1. The apology should acknowledge responsibility. The person making the apology needs to take responsibility for having done something wrong. It is an effort to right the balance between the offender and the offended. For example, saying, "I'm sorry that you're upset by what I said," is not taking responsibility for your actions and blames the other person for the upset.
2. The apology should be specific. It names the mistake that caused the harm. It is more than saying, "I'm sorry for what I did." It identifies the error that you've made. Generalities will not do.
3. The apology should express how the mistake hurt the other person. It should let the other person know that you understand their feelings. It should express some empathy for the other person. "I understand you were really worried that something might have happened to me when I was an hour late for dinner."
4. The apology may involve regret and guilt. The apology needs to express remorse. A real apology involves pain, suffering and soul-searching regret. It may express your concern that you have harmed your relationship and that you value the relationship.
5. The apology should express a willingness to change behaviour. It lets others know that the mistake will not occur again. Sometimes some sort of restitution is called for. One way of handling this would be to say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do." Or if you broke something of value, you can offer to replace it.
6. If the offence was public the apology should also be public. It is not fair to offend somebody publicly and then make an apology in private.
Most of all, an apology is a willingness to let go of the ego and treat another person with respect. It is an expression of honesty. It is a sign of strength rather than a sign of weakness.
