Quora: How do I tell the difference between one with depression and a narcissist?

How do I tell the difference between one with depression and a narcissist? Ghosted and received silent treatment a lot.I was told he has depression that is why he keeps on doing it.I believe him and wants to help him out of his depression.

 


Dan Savage has wonderful relationship advice regarding dating personality disordered or mentally ill individuals: do NOT date someone who is not in good working order 

[1]

 ‘Good working order’ means: if they have a mental health diagnosis, they need to be working on it. They need to be getting therapy, counseling, taking their meds as prescribed, etc.

 

You are not your lover’s caregiver or therapist, and in my experience and observation, relegating yourself to a helper (enabler,[2] or rescuer[3]) role when you want a partner in life is doing both yourself and your loved one a huge disservice. Eventually, you may come to resent the burden of care-giving a person you wanted to have as an equal. It is also likely to dampen sexual interest, as well.

 

Sure, we all go through rough times in life when we need some support[4] from family, friends, or romantic partners. But this should not become the default setting on the relationship—the care-giver will burn out.

 

Bottom line: it’s not your job to determine whether your dear one is depressed or suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. It is their job to seek help in healing. Depressed people are more likely to seek and accept professional help, whereas narcissists rarely do. But that’s not your problem or your responsibility. When someone ghosts you, accept ‘no’ as the answer and move on with your own life.

Footnotes

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https://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/01/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-good-working-order

[2] 

 

Enabler: Definition, Behavior, Psychology, Recognizing One, More

[3] 

 

How to Stop Rescuing Other People as a Way to Feel Good About Yourself - Tiny Buddha

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When Does Being A Supportive Friend Actually Become Unhealthy?

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Quora: What would be the result of someone "close" to a narcissist gently accepting them

What would be the result of someone "close" to a narcissist gently accepting them for who they are (the result would be a narcissists' reaction over time, short or long term)?

Honestly, I’m sad and concerned to read your question. I don’t see relationships as strictly transactional in the same way a narcissist would, but I also don’t think they should be one-sided in that one person is giving all the time and the other is taking. And that’s what you’ll be getting with a narcissist. What would you be gaining from such a relationship? How would being mistreated in this way over time make you feel about the person, and about yourself? Why would you want to give so much energy to someone who is incapable of love, gratitude, or even the most basic niceties?

In a strictly Buddhist Zen state of speaking, the only thing anyone can do is accept that the narcissist is who she or he is. They aren’t likely to change or get better or express deeply-felt gratitude or reciprocate in any meaningful way.

Eckhart Tolle[1]has some wonderful thoughts on this matter—when we refuse to accept what is, we increase our own suffering. So, yes, accept that the narcissist is exactly who and what s/he appears to be—a bottomless well of ‘take’ and ‘need’. A great deal of hate and anger looking for a place to land. A spoiled child in an adult body. A damaged individual that is extremely resistant to being healed, because an integral part of their disease is denying that they are sick.

 

So, yes, if you have a narcissist in your life, the best thing to do is accept that the way he or she is, in this moment, is all she or he is ever going to be. They may praise and flatter to get what they want, they may demean and insult to get what they want, they may threaten and abuse to get what they want But in the end, that is all they are: nothing but “I want.” There is no more to them than that. In my experience, over time, they begin with praise and end with abuse, regardless of the response of their target. They just can’t keep up the ‘nice’ act for that long.

The best you can hope for, I suppose, is the behavior of a spoiled child saying “gimme” and you will be the weary browbeaten adult figure opening your wallet once again, or handing over the toy, the car keys, or whatever the child is demanding with no protest— If you gratify them promptly each time they make a demand, you will receive no thanks or appreciation, but possibly no abuse either. Just be aware that eventually the demands may become so outlandish and unrealistic that you just won’t be physically, mentally, or financially able to gratify them, even if you still desire to do so.

Again, I question why anyone would want to subject themselves to such a bleak and miserable existence. Accept that the narcissist is exactly who and what they seem to be, and leave the bottomless well of need far behind you as you move toward finding your own happy life and worthwhile connections.

Footnotes

[1] 

 

Home - Eckhart Tolle | Official Site - Spiritual Teachings and Tools For Personal Growth and Happiness 




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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Quora: Which one is better, block the covert narcissist or not?

 Which one is better, block the covert narcissist or not? If she contacts us, should we just not respond?

I cannot recommend “No Contact” highly enough as the best tool you will ever have for achieving peace of mind after freeing yourself from a narcissist.

Whether you block or do not respond is up to you. I find that at least in the first days after ending a narcissistic connection, it can be hard to keep yourself from wanting to know what the narc is thinking or saying; therefore the Block function will save you from your own impulses to read and respond to their drama.

If you feel you have enough will power and determination, no contact can just be you refusing to observe or respond to the narcissist’s ploys for attention.

If the narcissist has made threats or has previous incidents of violence against you, it may be better to NOT block them, but save their attempts at contact in order to have documentation in case they do follow up on a threat or escalate the threatening language or behavior.

Blocking is the best and easiest way to stop supplying the narcissist with fuel. Block if you can. 

 ========================================

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.