Quora: Is it me, or does the term narcissist seem to have too general and broad of a definition?

It’s not just you; the term is used quite often, and possibly mis-used quite a bit these days.

If a person is not a psychologist or mental health professional, a declaration that a person is a Narcissist is most probably a figure of speech; a person may use the term “narcissist” to indicate that they feel that a friend, family member, or ex is arrogant, vain, selfish, self centered, or mean spirited. And, often, people ARE selfish, arrogant, vain, or mean simply because they are stressed, unhappy in a relationship, immature, or just not well-suited to the relationship. Unless there is a diagnosis by a mental health professional, the term ‘narcissist’ is just a hyperbole, a way of saying that a person is or was a jerk.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a well defined psychiatric disorder in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Discorders)

To diagnose NPD, the practitioner would look for

the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

NPD is characterized by the presence of both grandiosity and attention seeking.

Many people will display SOME of these traits, at SOME times during their lives, as children, in relationships, under stress, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. What a mental health professional is looking at for the sake of diagnosis is a long-term pattern of behavior, with the majority of these traits in evidence at all times during a person’s interactions with others.

And what is more important than a mental health diagnosis is to understand who you are, your own strengths and values, and what you will and will not desire or tolerate in a relationship. For the sake of your own happiness and long term success, it’s not important to have a professional diagnosis of a person who is mistreating you or being dishonest, all that is required for your own happiness and well-being is to recognize when you are not being treated properly in a relationship and to be willing to:

1. discuss your needs and feelings with the person and request the treatment you require in order to feel safe and respected and/or
2. leave the relationship if the other person cannot or will not treat you in ways which help you feel safe and respected and/or
3. seek and find professional help, a 12 step program, counseling or help from a rabbi, priest, or minister, in becoming a safe and respectful person for yourself in order to have safe and mutually respectful relationships.

A very important part of healing, in my experience, can be a very long exploration of NPD and what makes someone mistreat, belittle, and lie to the people they say they ‘love’. The second part of healing is when you realize that you do NOT deserve to be mistreated or belittled or lied to. The final part of healing is to discard the ‘analysis paralysis’ and go on to live a happier and healthier life with good self-respect and solid boundaries. Then you will be narc-proof.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Quora: What would the narcissist do if you went to their siblings for advice on how to deal with him

 

What would the narcissist do if you went to their siblings for advice on how to deal with him/her?

In my experience, the narcissistic abuser will have already poisoned the well for their target; the NPD is excellent at compartmentalizing their lives so that all of their victims never have a chance to meet up and compare notes, and they usually run pre-emptive smear campaigns against any potential sources of help or information.

The way this works is that when you are still in the golden early days of your relationship, the NPD will tell you about their abusive parents, their alcoholic nympho sister, their brother who molested them when they were 4, their violent stalker exes, etc etc etc.

Their stories will be so detailed, lurid, and nauseating that even when you start to see the cracks in the Narcissist’s mask and there have been episodes of madness, you will still be very reluctant to contact any of the people that the NPD has poisoned you against.

Rest assured, the NPD will have also spoken badly about you to their other friends and to their family members, so those people will not want to speak to you, they will not trust you, and they will not speak honestly with you about the narcissist. The NPD has run so many headgames, loyalty tests, and crazy episodes past them that they will not wish to engage with you, the narcissist’s newest broken toy.

If you do manage to make contact with your NPD’s family without the NPD catching on and preventing you, be assured that the punishment the NPD will dish out to both you and their family will make every previous episode of drama look like a walk in the park compared to the Hell on Earth that you will now face. There may even be law enforcement involvement. Seriously, this is not something you want to do.

As always, if you are with someone and they are not treating you kindly, if their emotional state seems a bit creepy, if an appropriate amount of time has passed and you aren’t naturally meeting other friends and family members as the relationship seems to be deepening, or if their story seems a bit ‘off,’ take some time to reflect on your own mindset, re-affirm your own worth and re-examine your own relationship needs. If someone is mistreating you and they will not accept responsibility for their behavior, then it is time to say goodbye to that person.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.