Quora: Is there an art to avoid and manage narcissism?

 Absolutely. Unfortunately, humans often are only good at learning from negative experiences and pain. Once you have successfully freed yourself from a narcissitic relationship, you will be on guard against NPD for the rest of your life. If this has been your experience, be sure to take care of your own mental health so that you aren’t skewing toward being avoidant and paranoid in response to your trauma.

The next-best way to avoid and manage narcissism is to have a firm sense of who you are and what you want and need from relationships in order to feel safe, valued, and happy. If you have enough self-respect to steer clear of bad-faith actors, you will be like a cross made of garlic in the face of the narcissistic vampire. They won’t come anywhere near you.

Be aware of the following warning signs that a new person entering your life may not be in good working order and may bring more drama and unhappiness to your existence than you really care to have:

1. A lot of ‘poor me’ stories. I think most of us can recognize and avoid self-involved braggarts, which is what a lot of folks think of when they think of the word “narcissist”. Most of us aren’t really keen to applaud politely in our seats as someone blathers on endlessly about themselves and gives you “The Great and Wonderful ME” Show without letting you get a word in edgewise. That’s tedious, isn’t it? But many of us are kind and compassionate people and we will fall for a hard luck story. So listen carefully when people tell you about their mean exes—be it ex bosses, ex lovers, or ex friends. If there’s a common denominator in every relationship they’ve ever lost, if they don’t seem to take any responsibility for any of it, if they don’t mention a lesson they’ve learned or a better way they’ve learned to cope, it may be time to detach, before you become the next villain in their ongoing saga.
2. Too much, too soon. This may be in the form of a first date sending you a dozen roses at work the next day. Or a new neighbor telling you that he feels like you are family because you are so easy to talk to and so very kind. Perhaps you may feel some warning bells go off the first time you go to get happy hour drinks with a coworker, she tells you her life story, including abusive husbands and rape stories. How about that great new job you are loving, until the boss starts calling and texting at all hours of the night with reminders and requests? It’s definitely a red flag when someone barely knows you and they lavish you with gifts, praise, unexpected emotional intensity, TMI, or bids for constant contact.
3. They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. If new boss throws a fit and threatens to fire you when you let her know that you aren’t available after hours or aren’t comfortable running personal errands for her, if the person you went on a date with last Saturday can’t gracefully accept that you are not available for a date this Saturday, if you can’t return an expensive present to a new acquaintance that you don’t feel comfortable accepting without getting a big ol’ pout-fest, then you need to detatch from this person. Your No is sacred. In fact, go ahead and tell every new person in your life NO early on, and observe their reaction carefully. No one likes to be told No, but a sane and decent person will express that in an appropriate way and allow the relationship to continue. Additionally, I think it’s totally OK to ‘ghost’ on someone who has repeatedly pouted, gotten angry or upset, or disrespected your No. A person who doesn’t hear or respect NO will not hear or respect any gentle explanations or kind reasoning behind the reasons you need to detach, so please just block and delete these people from your life.

===========

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Could being in a long term relationship with a narcissist cause you to start treating them in simila

Could being in a long term relationship with a narcissist cause you to start treating them in similar ways that they have treated you?

 I’m sorry to say it, but yes. One of the dreadful effects of spending time with pathologically disordered people is that you adopt their behavior, both with them and with others in your life. This is one of the reasons it’s very important to try to only have healthy relationships with sane people—you are a reflection of your environment.

If you start out a relationship as a straightforward and honest person, and your honesty is continually abused and punished by your relationship partner (friend, lover, boss) then you will eventually learn avoidant and manipulative ways to try and avoid being in trouble and try to get your own needs met.

If saying to a loved one “I’m sad and I need a hug,” gets you screamed at and belittled, called a sissy or a dummy or ‘Eeyore’ or whatever, you aren’t going to be straightforward with your feelings or needs anymore. You may learn that going to your abuser with a scraped knee or a cut finger or a burned hand will get you the love and sympathy you crave, and you may end up subconsciously becoming ‘clumsy’ so that happens to you more often.

If asking for time off work is always denied because of ‘business needs,’ you may end up calling in sick. Or you may end up actually feeling sick, because you need a break and your boss won’t respect or respond to an honest request for time away.

If asking a girlfriend to lunch or coffee always ends in you getting blown off, but calling her with your latest drama or upset makes her drop everything to come over with a bottle of wine, then you may end up feeding her drama addiction in order to spend time and feel validated in your friendship.

These relationships all become malignant and you end up getting farther away from your own integrity, which is self-harming and ultimately self-defeating, because the more you act in dishonest and manipulative ways, the less genuine connection you will have in your life. And, sadly, sane and healthy people will pick up on your manipulative and dishonest ways and NOT want to befriend you, so you will end up only attracting more creeps and users.

At the most extreme end of the Narcisssitic abuse spectrum, you will find a behavior called “Reactive Abuse” This happens when a Narcissist pushes, prods, verbally abuses, physically abuses, deprives the victim of food, sleep, or rest until the Narcissist’s target explodes in a rage and physically or verbally lashes out at their abuser. If you’ve ever seen this in person, you will see the NPD become almost instantly calm once they’ve triggered the explosion in their target, sometimes you may even see them give a little smirk. This is the behavior they were trying to cause, because it feeds their ‘poor me, I’m a victim’ story, gives them something nasty to hold over your head and tell their friends how ‘abusive’ you are, and gives them something to guilt-trip the victim about forever. Because a normal person will be appalled and ashamed of such behavior and possibly even hate themselves for hurting someone they love. Allowing yourself to be goaded to the point of rage and acting-out gives the narcissist a ‘hook’ so they can keep reeling you in.

Always walk away before yelling at or striking anyone who is provoking you. Always. Even if they stand in the door and cry that you are ‘abandoning’ them, just like every other SOB who they ever loved… LEAVE. Go out the window if you have to. Leave. Do not lay a hand on them, do not yell at them, do not ‘let them have it’. Walk away and let them stew in their own miserable creation, don’t join them there.

It is important to be very firm in your own sense of right and wrong, and to be honest with yourself and everyone around you. Honesty, self-esteem, personal integrity, and self awareness are the things which will keep Narcissists away. You cannot beat them at their own game, you don’t want to become that kind of monster.

===========

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Do narcissists see strength in those who get away?

 I’m afraid Narcissists don’t see other people as human, so they won’t recognize strength in a person who resists their charms, or leaves them. In my experience, you will either cease to exist or you will become the villain in their sad story that they tell to try and hook in the next source of supply.

Narcissists only recognize other people as potential tools, or potential threats. Once they’ve placed you in the ‘threat’ category, or you have placed yourself in that category by leaving them, they’ll try to erase you from their existence, and if they can’t do that (say, because you are a family member or coworker) they will seek to discredit you with others, via a smear campaign of gossip, rumors, lies, or outlandish stories built upon one small nugget of truth so as to make it believable.

The NPD will never see your strength or respect you as a person. The best revenge is to live a good life, far away from the narcissist, and never think of them again. Be sure that once they can’t use you, they won’t think of you again, either.

==============

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.