evile

Could being in a long term relationship with a narcissist cause you to start treating them in similar ways that they have treated you?

I’m sorry to say it, but yes. One of the dreadful effects of spending time with pathologically disordered people is that you adopt their behavior, both with them and with others in your life. This is one of the reasons it’s very important to try to only have healthy relationships with sane people—you are a reflection of your environment.

If you start out a relationship as a straightforward and honest person, and your honesty is continually abused and punished by your relationship partner (friend, lover, boss) then you will eventually learn avoidant and manipulative ways to try and avoid being in trouble and try to get your own needs met.

If saying to a loved one “I’m sad and I need a hug,” gets you screamed at and belittled, called a sissy or a dummy or ‘Eeyore’ or whatever, you aren’t going to be straightforward with your feelings or needs anymore. You may learn that going to your abuser with a scraped knee or a cut finger or a burned hand will get you the love and sympathy you crave, and you may end up subconsciously becoming ‘clumsy’ so that happens to you more often.

If asking for time off work is always denied because of ‘business needs,’ you may end up calling in sick. Or you may end up actually feeling sick, because you need a break and your boss won’t respect or respond to an honest request for time away.

If asking a girlfriend to lunch or coffee always ends in you getting blown off, but calling her with your latest drama or upset makes her drop everything to come over with a bottle of wine, then you may end up feeding her drama addiction in order to spend time and feel validated in your friendship.

These relationships all become malignant and you end up getting farther away from your own integrity, which is self-harming and ultimately self-defeating, because the more you act in dishonest and manipulative ways, the less genuine connection you will have in your life. And, sadly, sane and healthy people will pick up on your manipulative and dishonest ways and NOT want to befriend you, so you will end up only attracting more creeps and users.

At the most extreme end of the Narcisssitic abuse spectrum, you will find a behavior called “Reactive Abuse” This happens when a Narcissist pushes, prods, verbally abuses, physically abuses, deprives the victim of food, sleep, or rest until the Narcissist’s target explodes in a rage and physically or verbally lashes out at their abuser. If you’ve ever seen this in person, you will see the NPD become almost instantly calm once they’ve triggered the explosion in their target, sometimes you may even see them give a little smirk. This is the behavior they were trying to cause, because it feeds their ‘poor me, I’m a victim’ story, gives them something nasty to hold over your head and tell their friends how ‘abusive’ you are, and gives them something to guilt-trip the victim about forever. Because a normal person will be appalled and ashamed of such behavior and possibly even hate themselves for hurting someone they love. Allowing yourself to be goaded to the point of rage and acting-out gives the narcissist a ‘hook’ so they can keep reeling you in.

Always walk away before yelling at or striking anyone who is provoking you. Always. Even if they stand in the door and cry that you are ‘abandoning’ them, just like every other SOB who they ever loved… LEAVE. Go out the window if you have to. Leave. Do not lay a hand on them, do not yell at them, do not ‘let them have it’. Walk away and let them stew in their own miserable creation, don’t join them there.

It is important to be very firm in your own sense of right and wrong, and to be honest with yourself and everyone around you. Honesty, self-esteem, personal integrity, and self awareness are the things which will keep Narcissists away. You cannot beat them at their own game, you don’t want to become that kind of monster.

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

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