Fleas, fleas.

11-24-2015 at 10:50 AM (25 Views)

So, my brother's birthday at the beginning of Nov, through Thanksgiving and on to Xmas and New year's eve had been a 'hallway of hell' for years...Basically two solid months of walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around, placating and pleasing his wife, trying hard not to be the thing that set her off on a rampage. Always failing, of course, no matter what I did or said, or didn't do or say, because she had no intention of making nice for family peace and was always looking for an excuse to go bugnuts and forbid him from spending time with his family....

I haven't spoken to her in years. I haven't spoken to my brother since our grandmother's interment ceremony. I don't see them or hear from them....and yet I played this stupid game with SIL and my brother for so long that now I do it to myself. I cannot STAND the hypervigilance, the cloud of DOOM that settles down on me this time of year, all this negative energy just looking for an excuse to blow up. It is frustrating that I know I'm now doing it to myself, since there's no SIL to please and suck up to, and/or grovel and apologize to and buy presents for for whatever horrible transgression I committed (disagreeing with her telling everyone what a stupid fuck-up my brother is, having the unmitigated GALL to tell her I was upset that she and my brother were hours late to a supper that I prepared that is now ruined from overcooking/sitting, not inviting them to a party because I thought they were going out of town that day, plus I didn't want the drama, anyhow....and on and on and on)

It's so frustrating. They're gone from my life. And here I sit, tying myself in knots of anxiety, just waiting for the anvil to drop out of the sky onto my head, just waiting for the berating phone call or the abusive email, just waiting for the drama to start up. Even knowing with my smart brain that there's nothing out there waiting to get me....and I'm still fearful and sick and reactive. 

Almost more than anything she's actually done, I hate that she's laid these eggs in my head.