3738a good post

4 Nov. 6:23 am

 

 

sarah9380 (sarah9380) wrote in polyamory,
@ 2005-11-03 21:42:00





Request for resources and advice
I've tried searching this journal and such, but didn't find anything.
Does anyone have any good links to websites or previous posts (or
just newly typed up advice) for someone in the following situation...

What to do when your significant other is dating someone else who
seems abusive and drama-ridden...You obviously suffer from the
infusion of drama into your life, but you also suffer concern for
your partner when she is very upset from interactions with the other
person. The situation I'm talking about involves people who are not
living together and nothing overtly physically violent (no immediate
fear of life-threatening abuse or anything like that).

But when trying to show concern, the partner gets all defensive and
starts making accusations of jealousy. The same happens if any
attempt is made to insulate your life from the drama that is spilling
over. Oh, and the partner keeps insisting that all three parties
should get together to hang out.

I think the partner may just be reacting irrationally in general due
to the effects the drama-ridden relationship has had on her.
Apparently they also have a long history of on-again/off-again drama-
ridden craziness.

Thank you in advance.


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(Post a new comment)


bellabrigida
2005-11-04 03:01 am UTC (link)
I wouldn't know what to tell you. I've had problems with a similar
situation, however the partner had been sexually abusive with the
other in the past. It's drama that I don't need and I've been working
to have it addressed. It is difficult to do when the people involved
all care about one another, though, because such things are prone to
denial.

Everyone wants it to be cushy and it's easy to be defensive.

So far, all I've learned is to buffer oneself, try to not let it get
to you and then wait for the inevitable fallout.
(Reply to this)


curtisfreak007
2005-11-04 04:49 am UTC (link)
Well, obviously (in my eyes) she needs to get out of that
relationship.

Second of all, it's really uncool to pull the jealousy card when
someone shows concern. Which says to me that she needs to chill out
and remember that she's in a polyamorous relationship. And maybe
rethink her definition of poly and make sure it's a healthy one.

I've been in situations where I've thought my primary partner (for
lack of a better term) was not in a good relationship. What I did was
the standard, "Look, I think we should talk...I'd appreciate it if
you could hear me through before you say anything..." and then
explained to her the perfectly logical reasons why I didn't think she
should be in the relationship. Be prepared to support your reasons
with examples and whatnot. You've probably tried that, but just
thought I'd throw it out there.

Also, like bellabrigida said, you can try not to let it get to you
and wait fr the fallout. That worked for me when I started my first
poly relationship (eek...the jealousy issues I had) and wasn't quite
as open about things as I am now. After a little while, my partner
realized that she wasn't in a very good relationship (because the guy
would guilt trip her every time he hung out with her because she
didn't spend very much time with him, which is a form of mental abuse
in itself) and it just fell apart.

Sorry if I came off kind of pretentious or anything, it wasn't my
intention. I was just trying to respond to the information I had.

Good luck with this, I really hope it works out for you.
(Reply to this)


reluctantvixen
2005-11-04 04:51 am UTC (link)
When they don't want to see the abuse in the relationship, they
won't. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband
for years, but I refused to believe he was hurting me so much
mentally until it became so bad in the end that he left. It was only
then that my eyes opened and I saw what he'd been doing to me for
years, and that my wife had been trying to tell me all along.

Keep supporting the abused partner as much as you can, while
buffering yourself from the other's drama. :( Good luck.
(Reply to this)


persipone
2005-11-04 05:10 am UTC (link)
You know, I'll toss in a dissenting voice here. In my observation and
experience, every dysfunctional relationship has at least two
dysfunctional people in it- but it only takes one person to mess up a
relationship. Get it? So if your SO is in an abusive relationship,
then they has problems in their own life, by definition. And if
you're involved with the SO, you also have problems, by definition.
So you need to be thinking about keeping yourself intact and healthy.

I think you should be fairly firm in speaking to your SO about this.
And I think that, if the abuse and drama are serious enough, you need
to be willing to distance yourself from your SO if they won't work on
or end their other relationship. Let the SO know that they can always
call you if they need an out, but that you can't be dragged into this
drama anymore.

You can't fix your SO and you can't save them. What you can do is
take care of yourself, and you have to be willing to do that before
you can take care of anyone else.
(Reply to this)(Thread)


trixtah
2005-11-04 09:59 am UTC (link)
Yeah, exactly, it's "put your foot down" time. And if your SO won't
listen, let them have their drama-filled life with their charming OSO.

At least insist that while your SO might continue to associate with
this person, you don't want to hear anything about them and their
angst. Needless to say, you won't spend anytime with the OSO. And say
that if anything, behaviour or emotion-wise, starts to spill out into
YOUR relationship, you'll have to consider further steps to protect
yourself from the impact that it might have on YOUR emotional
wellbeing.
(Reply to this)(Parent)


jb_27
2005-11-04 05:30 am UTC (link)
Here is a thought. It might apply to you. It might not.

Sometimes, your partner goes bat-shit fucking crazy. This is more
likely to happen when they are limerant with a new lover, but it can
happen at any time. At times like these, it becomes necessary to take
space and protect yourself. Stay connected. Stay loving. Stay the
fuck away from them until they come back to reality.

Hard? Yes. Better than getting sucked into their drama? Absolutely.

Your mileage may vary.
(Reply to this)


mathilde
2005-11-04 01:39 pm UTC (link)
Ultimately, if someone's not ready to listen there's nothing you can
do. You can't force someone to see what you see. All you can do is
make clear your own boundaries. (I'm using "you" in the general sense
here, not in the specific.) You can decide you're not going to hang
out with the drama llama, and enforce that decision. You can decide
how much other people's drama affects your life. And ultimately, you
decide what is and is not worth your time. How long you're willing to
deal with it is up to you.

3739krav, [Cousin B], etc.

4 Nov. 7:09 am

 

 

[Cousin B] got suspended for a day and a half, for being out in the hall
without a hall pass, but mostly for being defiant and using foul
language. [Aunt L] took him out and bought him a new CD and a ticket to
the Nov 12 CKY show while he was out of school. She was mad at him,
mostly for speaking disrspectfully to an adult, but then she
basically rewards him for it. argh.

If he was in my house, he would NOT have been going anywhere while at
home on suspension, would NOT have a new CD and would DEFINITELY not
be going to a show anytime soon.

But I'm not the parent here, so I don't have anything to say about it.

I got a book called 'smart boys' from the library about gifted boys
and how to raise them to be happy, well adjsuted, etc. The section
about "The Mothers Companion" really rang true for me; I think a lot
of his conflict with his mom happened when he went from being her
companion, confidant, helper, to wanting his own life & friends and
interests. And I definitely think he needs more adult males in his
life, because he really craves father love, even if he doesn't admit
it. *sigh*

We were not each others partner in Krav class last night, he went off
with another guy and I went off with Sara, the only other girl in
class. He said he got a lot more out of the class, got a really good
workout, was very sweaty and endorphiny after class. oddly, I didn't
get as much as usual. Oh well. It's all good. I still got a good
workout. The fact I can get thru it without being completely blown is
a good sign.

[Aunt L] took us to Mandarin House for dinner afterwards. [Cousin B] was spacey
and didn't eat much. I know that feeling. :)

[Uncle B] drove me home [[Aunt L] had picked me up directly from work, we went
to Tina, then to Krav. I gave [Cousin B] my Tina appointment, my hair hadn't
grown out much since the emergency repair cut at the mall] and I gave
[Cousin B] a piece of black tourmaline for his litle rock bag he's going to
start wearing around his neck.

I still need to dye my hair. back to natural for the fall/winter.
Maybe forever. For the job hunt. *sigh*

3741Lyrics - Animotion, Let Him Go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A6ZN5TBics

4 Nov. 9:33 am

 

 

You're holding him so tight that he can't move

If you never give him room
you're gonna lose.
He's feeling like he's tied up in a knot

Every time he comes home late he's on the spot.
Trust him to be the kind of man he wants to be

You aren't gonna keep him long if you give him
the third degree.

Let him go
let him go
do the things he's got to do

Give him the freedom that he needs even though it worries you.
Let him go
let him go
have the faith that he'll be true

It's the only way you can be sure he'll come back to you.

You want your life with him to work so well

You forget the love you need to give yourself.
I understand your desire to keep him near

But you poison love when you mix it up with fear.
Trust yourself to be the woman that you want to be

If you both have room to grow
then you'll live in harmony.
Let him go
let him go
do the things he's got to do

Let him go
let him go.
Let him go
let him go
have the faith that he'll be true

It's the only way you can be sure he'll come back to you.
Let him go
let him go
let him go.

3742quizzy/survey for LJ sometime

4 Nov. 12:02 pm

 

 

Survey

Borrowed from <lj user="skye_ds_ds">

Your name spelled backwards?

etikelbmarb (you don't get my real name here, sorry)

Have you ever been in a school play?

yup.

How many kids do you want?

zero. As a matter of fact, tomorrow is the anniversary of my
sterilization. <a
href="http://www.essure.com/consumer/c_homepage.aspx">Essure ROCKS. I
highly recommend it for anyone looking for a permanent solution.

Type of music you dislike most?

um...tie: Country and Rap. (Well, anything that glorifies anti-woman
sentiments, drugs, violence, and hatred, really, but those seem to be
the major offenders.) There are a few artists within each genre who
seem to have transcended the usual trash and have done fun things
with the music, but it's RARE, and especially with country, it's
funny and entertaining the first few times I hear it, but then it's
just kind of precious, in a bad way. (see <a
href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=precious">definition
4</a>)

Are you registered to vote?

yup.

Do you have cable?

cable internet, yes. But I don't watch much TV.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?

No. Motorcycle, once or twice. (hello, Josh/Lestat)

Ever prank-called anybody?

Yes.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

No. I like to keep my feet on the ground.

Furthest places you ever traveled?

I lived in Italy and the Phillipines when I was a child. Visited
Germany at some point during that childhood. Since then, been all
over the US, with the exception of some small states Up East
someplace. Cozumel with J-Law was my most recent far-away trip.

Bath or Shower, morning or night?

Bath in the evening, shower in the morning. I often shower after work
if I have plans with friends.

Favorite pizza topping?

pineapple & canadian bacon

Orange Juice or apple?

neither, really. Apple is icky and orange juice is too acidic for my
tummy these days. Mimosas are still good, though. :)

Are you a good cook?

Yes, when I get in the mood to cook.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?

Sure. Who doesn't?

Ever ordered from an infomercial?

No.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?

Yes. Fast food in my late teens. And let us never speak of it again.

Ever thrown up in public?

yup.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?

Since I've already found true love, and assuming I didn't have to
give him up in order to get the money, I'll take the million(s) now,
thanks :)

Do you believe in love at first sight?

No.


Can exes be just friends?

Sure. I'm on civil terms with most of mine, and actually socialize
frequently with one of 'em, who is my Sweetie's best friend here in
Austin.


What was the name of your first pet?

2: Grover the dog, sew-kitty the cat


What's your favorite college basketball team?

When I was at DePauw, I went to basketball games because I was bored,
had crushies on folks, etc. I don't really follow it now that I'm
graduated and gone, but just for the sake of nostalgia, I'll say
<b>GO TIGERS!!!</b>


On a completely different topic, someone here at work has microwaved
something that smells like a heavy saturation of cat urine on a
burning rubber tire. I wonder what the heck that could be.