evile | Jun. 29th, 2005

Jun. 29th, 2005

Jun. 29, 2005

went to bed very early last night. Dreamt about e. She went and
had an operation that she knew was going to be fatal; I guess it was
one of those things where the surgery was going to kill her, but so
was the disease. I woke up feeling very bad.

I also dreamt about working for somebody like Hugh, only he was a
James Spader in the Secretary type wierdo, and I showed up one
morning and all the furniture was being removed. I realized that I
didn't know my boss' name and he didn't know mine. Then another boss
showed me my new work place, apparently they'd just bought the office
from the guy and decided to keep me. And I didn't know their name
either,or where I was.

Then I was out walking in some train station and it was snowing,
wherever I lived, and I didn't know where to go, so the boss was
going to let me live in their guest house, or something like that,
and I started thinking I needed to buy a winter coat if I was going
to live there (MSP, maybe?)

It was very wierd. I did not like.

Article in LHJ called "6 steps to more happiness"

Step 1 is "reset your happiness setpoint" in which the author set up
goals in 8 areas:

physical
emotional
spiritual
financial
intellectual
professional
material
play

I thought that was a good way to divide up life/goals. But I am so
engrained in habits of denial and failure and misery that I really
can't think of any goals I have in any of those areas, let alone a
true-to-life evaluation of my self as I stand, within those 8 areas.
Thomasrhymer's LJ said something about how denial is the worst form
of insanity because its very nature prevents growth. I think I agree,
but the alternative seems to be excruciating pain, so I'd rather
stick with the denial.

I went looking thru back entries in sineater's LJ. I found a very good,
sad one...I replied that I understood and I felt this way too. I'm
sure it's not going to elicit any kind of response. Oh well.

Squid Boy (sineater) wrote,
@ 2003-10-07 15:58:00

Current mood: crushed

I honestly don't know why I keep trying.
I wish right now that I did not care.

Answer me, god damn it. Are we reduced to nothing but pleasantries
and small talk?

Have I been wrong all this time?

or have i simply failed you

let me clarify:
i feel that i am worth nothing and less than nothing to you.
that i am not worth being a friend to you any more

i ask
but you never answer me
it hurts.

i know you are having trouble.
let me bear some of it for you
i know you are in pain
let me heal what i can.

please

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I know this feeling.
bramblekite
2005-06-29 15:59
I have felt it towards you...more than once.
*hugs* I still love you. I still wish you love, happiness, and
success. For my own safety and sanity, however, I am now operating at
a remove from most family members.

I am sure this wasn't aimed at me...but I figured I'd tell you you
aren't the only one who has felt this way.

Love you.

Jun. 29, 2005

evile: hola chica :)
SkyeDS: que tal? como estas?
evile: heh. OK. you?
SkyeDS: well nuff considerin
evile: are your work computers still goofy?
SkyeDS: the intern thankfully is very techsavvy
evile: cool. I'm glad he's not totally useless :P
SkyeDS: I edited the registry, then he reinstalled WP, the printer
SkyeDS: back to square one, he got the printer working for Hugh which
KEPT it from working for me
SkyeDS: so we downloaded generic drivers from the net rather than
using the ones on the install CD and everybody's happy now
evile: well, awesome. :)
SkyeDS: trillian shut down
evile: what fun.
SkyeDS: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?
ViewItem&item=4390742868&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWN%3AIT&rd=1

SkyeDS: got that for $20 cheaper than something not quite as period
looking at Walmart
SkyeDS: delivered to my office
evile: cool :)
SkyeDS: I really like a lot of their stuff
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: they have periodlike white and green, a very nice white hex,
and a lovely blue european round gazebo
SkyeDS: I was very tempted by the round one, it looks more Romany to
me because of the "bender" top
evile: yeah.
SkyeDS: we have money now, no reason not to buy another one
eventually anyway
evile: *nod*
evile: ooh. airfare & hotel to Cancun for $621, Sept. 3-7.
SkyeDS: that must be good
evile: *nod*
evile: usually I find air fare to cancun for a bit over $400. So
airfare plus hotel for 600 is pretty awesome.
SkyeDS: sounds like a nice week vacation
SkyeDS: War pretty much blows our week vacation
evile: *nod*
evile: yup...you only have so much time & $ to spend, it's tough to
make choices sometimes.
evile: oh yay. Z finally took me off her LJ firends list.
SkyeDS: Z Helene...?
evile: no. Z/ladystorm. One of Terriblelynne's friends.
SkyeDS: I've seen her posts around
evile: her offspring is odious.
SkyeDS: lol @ bring your Coggins with you.
SkyeDS: "it's one of our requirements"
SkyeDS: well duh, it's *required* by STATE LAW that I have Coggins
every time I leave my property
SkyeDS: anybody who has to be told to have their Coggins with them
when they go somewhere shouldn't be hauling in the first place
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: sorry...I'm having temporary tourettes
evile: that's OK. sounds like one of those things every horse person
knows, but maybe someone organizing their first public event
wouldn't .
SkyeDS: Raven himself is considered by some of the rennies to be nuts
(a "cult leader" he's been called)
SkyeDS: the second in command (Athos) seems to have his shit together
evile: never met or heard of either of them, as far as I know.
SkyeDS: me neither, just impressions from what have been told, and
correspondence
evile: I would trust your own impressions more than any third
party 'he said she said' type thing.
SkyeDS: "I don't care if the revisions are done or not, save it and
print it RIGHT NOW!" yes sir. <done> "There are still mistakes in
here!" .... I told you I wasn't finished yet....
SkyeDS: <rolls eyes>
SkyeDS: and why does it take me more than two days to correct 12
pages? because you keep making insertions into my day. Which is your
privilege, and that's fine. But it does slow projects in progress
down.
evile: I would bet that 90% of the shit other people say about Lord
Raven derive from them having sour grapes/jealousy that someone else
had the gumption to start a faire.
evile: those who can,do. Those who can't sit on the sidelines and
make bitchy nasty negative little whiney comments.
SkyeDS: given my personal situation I take the word "cult" when other
people use it with a grain of salt until I've done my own research
evile: exactly.
SkyeDS: anyway I've liked dealing with Athos so far and my only
correspondence with Raven has been that he extended a deadline two
weeks, so so far it's all good
evile: *nod*
evile: I'm excited/worried about poly dinner tonight. The restaurant
was my suggestion. I hope it's OK.
SkyeDS: where goin?
evile: La Palapa.
SkyeDS: never been there
evile: It's right near our house, but I hadn't been there either.
Then I went with Sweetie and Jaime a few weeks ago and I really liked it.
Meets all the stated poly dinner criteria & has vegeterian options on
the menu.
SkyeDS: I've seen it
SkyeDS: what are the poly dinner criteria just curious - parking I
know, vegetarian I know, handicap accessible obviously
evile: parking & ability to seat a large group.
evile: as seen in every first wednesday's info/announcement.
SkyeDS: all common sense then
evile: you would think.
evile: vegetarian/handicapped are courteous, too, but not stated in
the requirement. Most places have to be handicapped accessible,per
ADA, anyway, right?
SkyeDS: I'm sure some are more Hfriendly than others
SkyeDS: like Terriblelynne's complaint about Opal Divine
evile: Opals downstairs is accessible, but since it's in a historic
building, there wasn't any way to make th eupstairs work. BUT, the
restrooms, kitche, bar, seating, etc. are all downstairs, so I guess
they are technically within ADA guidelines. Too bad if the PNO people
want to be on the upstairs outside patio.
evile: supposedly the new Opal's is even better than the original. We
may end up switching the GWNN munch to that location.
SkyeDS: I think she's more upset with everyone deciding to meet
upstairs as a rather thoughtless sort of thing
evile: *nod* I agree.
evile: at least with poly dinner, if there's one bad dinner location,
there are 3+ more chances a month to connect w/people.
SkyeDS: I miss the Dog & Duck nights <shrug>
evile: pno classic still goes on there, I am pretty sure.
evile: I'm really looking forward to this weekend. Friday is the
monthly bellydance show at Casa de Luz. Saturday is Otter Chaos.
Sunday is toobin or hippie hollow. and looks like Monday is a nice
low key gathering at Elaine's (no [brother A] & co.)
SkyeDS: I would have liked to have gone to Otter Chaos, but SA, GT
and Tyler back to back just too much
SkyeDS: the [brother A] front seems to have been quiet lately...I'm sure I'm
missing something - I usually am
evile: I've been respecting your stated boundary + trying very hard
to distance myself from A, as well.
SkyeDS: how goes it?
evile: so far so good.
SkyeDS: not a single peep from them on the machine since the last
blow up over Paulie
evile: good.
evile: It really is very freeing to realize that being sad over
things you can't help, fix, or change 1) doesn't help the person
you're sad for and 2) doesn't help you.
evile: Nor does being happy in your own life & loves add or diminish
sadness in others. My happiness does not mock anyone else's pain,
it's my own, and I deserve it.
SkyeDS: there are a number of people in both our acquaintances who
would do well to realize that
evile: yup
SkyeDS: I will be so glad when he leaves
SkyeDS: he makes my head hurt when he gets like this
evile: *hugs* I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
SkyeDS: thankee kindly for the hugs...I suppose relative to most
lawyers it isn't as bad as it could be in terms of frequency or
duration
SkyeDS: maybe that's why it makes my head hurt on these rare
occasions.
evile: *nod* from what I understand cool lawyers are the exception
rather htan the rule.
SkyeDS: I would be interested in what JLaw says with regards
evile: she works at a firm with mostly cool lawyers, but there's,
like, 3, who always make her life a living hell when she has to work
with them.
evile: her last gig was with 3 attorneys, 1 was cool, 1 was never
there, 1 was a total prick.
SkyeDS: every once in a while I look at positions outside of
law...kind of wistful yearning window shopping
evile: *nod*
evile: well, it's finally time to go. Time really drags when you're
not busy.
*hugs* hang in there, girly!

Jun. 29, 2005

----------------
thewordnerd: Hey, how goes?
evile: hi. Not bad. How's with you?
thewordnerd: Eh, not too bad. Decided to take a day-long break from the
search since things seem to be going well, and I'm kinda sick of
looking at website after website anyway. :)
evile: cool. When is your in-person interview?
thewordnerd: I'm writing an email to schedule it. Either next Thursday or
Friday. Elise is offering me a ride on Friday, so if she's serious
about it then I might take her up on it to spare the frustrations of
STS. They've been calling me the night before scheduled rides and
changing times, which really makes me nervous about working with them
for something like an interview where I have to be there on time.
evile: yeah. that would be nerve wracking.
thewordnerd: . . . which makes no sense to me. If I've called and scheduled
3-4 days in advance then I can't think of why I'd need to have that
changed the night before. Either they gave away the slot which I
specifically called in advance for, or they gave me someone else's.
Last time they bumped pick-up 45 minutes ahead, which still meant
that I was getting there early, but it was cut very very close,
especially as the driver was late.
evile: yeah. that sucks!
thewordnerd: So, is the Church of Tube worshipping this weekend? Might
actually be willing to partake if so; I'm becoming less and less
worried about my finances as these various job things become more
certain.
evile: I am not sure yet. Sweetie will be out of town. I will keep you
posted :)
thewordnerd: Ah, all righty. I think I'd definitely like to join you guys
regularly, though, as it really sounds fun.
evile: it is fun. April (ample on LJ) was talking about organizing
the tubing trip for July 10. I am waiting to see what she comes up
with.
thewordnerd: How much were the tubes that you saw last weekend at Academy,
BTW? I'd really like to buy a pool float, because the pool is really
too shallow to swim in, so if I do go regularly then it may make
sense to buy a tube and have it serve double duty.
evile: they varied. The one I want is about $25
thewordnerd: Oh, that isn't too bad. Was that higher-end, mid-range or . . .
evile: No clue. I wasn't really paying attention to the prices of the
ones I didn't want.
thewordnerd: Ah. That isn't too bad, though. The float that I was
considering purchasing cost like $10-$15, so it'd only require an
additional 2-3 rentals to make that worthwhile. Hmmm.
thewordnerd: That is, if I bought a tube instead of the float.
evile: yup, that's pretty much what I'd figured out.
evile: I will definitely need to work in another trip to Academy
before the weekend.
thewordnerd: Sorry, was just sending off emails to ghe ghostwriter woman,
scheduling my interview time and seeing if Elise could get me there.
Back now.
evile: that's cool.
thewordnerd: Think I could tag along? No worries if not, as it certainly
isn't a huge deal or essential or anything. I was just thinking
recently that a float would be awesome for the pool, and now that I
can actually afford one, and ever since you wrote about buying a
tube, I was thinking . . . :)
thewordnerd: I don't really know where the academy is, so it may be way out
of your way to grab me.
evile: I am not sure when I'll have the time, but I'll definitely
call you when I know.
thewordnerd: Ok, sounds good.

Expand Messages

Jun. 29, 2005

-----------
Kahlua: EEK.
Kahlua: How goes?
evile: hey :)
Kahlua: That's one of my favorite email names, BTW. :)
evile: eek?
Kahlua: Eek @freaks.net
evile: yeah. It's gotten too spammy, though. I don't hardly ever look
at it.
Kahlua: Awww
Kahlua: Too bad.
Kahlua: Good address.
evile: that's what happens when you have the same email address for
10 years. And a lazy sysadmin.
Kahlua: Yeah, I've had @bellatlantic for a while now. And my
kahlua_Yahoo account for... Hmm. 8? 9?
evile: I feel old now.
Kahlua: We are. It's OK.
Kahlua: :P
evile: speak for yourself :P
Kahlua: I am speaking for myself! I'm saying we're old! Hee hee
Kahlua: OK, so not really.
evile: YOU're old.
Kahlua: No YOU are. No Tagbacks!
Kahlua: Hee hee
evile: heh. I got my first LJ 'anonymous' post today :) WHEE!
Kahlua: Anything good?
evile: It was not in the least bit nasty, just a little thing about
how they'd like to spend some time with me and figure out if they
still had a crush or whether it was just an infatuation. (to me,
crush and infatuation seem the same...but I suppose there is some
degree of difference)
Kahlua: Yeah, those are almost synonomous to me.
Kahlua: Synonocrush
evile: ongoing crush vs. passing infatuation, may be what was meant.
Kahlua: Oops
Kahlua: Crushatuation
evile: *giggle*
Kahlua: Infatucrush?
Kahlua: Severe LUSTING for?
evile: *laugh*
Kahlua: ACHY-LOINY thing?
evile: I'm glad they didn't say that!
evile: (unless they got specific about what they wanted to do about
it...that'd be entertaining)
Kahlua: *I GOTS THE CROTCH-GROINY THING GOIN' ON FOR YA!"
Kahlua: *cough*
evile: heh.
evile: that's specific..but not in a titillating way.
evile: I think I have it narrowed down to 2 possibilities, just from
the use of language.
Kahlua: Okay.,..
Kahlua: And?
evile: unless someone posted as themselves and then anon. to screw me
up. It's probably either kaleon or darque_lazarus.
Kahlua: Oh, you're trying to figure out who the Anon was. >)
Kahlua: Heh
evile: yup
evile: definitely a crush, if s/he'd rather keep me guessing than
actually spend time in RL.
Kahlua: Must be scared of ya
evile: silly. but I think I do that to some people.
evile: I just really get a kick out of taking people at their word
and watching them freak out, sometimes.
evile: or turning things around so that they're trying to shock me
and they get shocked instead, I guess.
Kahlua: *nod*
Kahlua: Their loss
evile: Oh, it makes me laugh, so it's not like it creates any bad
feelings on this end...but some people dont' like being taken at
their word, or pushed that tiny bit past what they were comfortable
with.
evile: well, it's about time for me to get on outta here. finally!