3330dreams, etc.

[evile]

E

Jun. 29, 2005

 

 

went to bed very early last night. Dreamt about e. She went and
had an operation that she knew was going to be fatal; I guess it was
one of those things where the surgery was going to kill her, but so
was the disease. I woke up feeling very bad.

I also dreamt about working for somebody like Hugh, only he was a
James Spader in the Secretary type wierdo, and I showed up one
morning and all the furniture was being removed. I realized that I
didn't know my boss' name and he didn't know mine. Then another boss
showed me my new work place, apparently they'd just bought the office
from the guy and decided to keep me. And I didn't know their name
either,or where I was.

Then I was out walking in some train station and it was snowing,
wherever I lived, and I didn't know where to go, so the boss was
going to let me live in their guest house, or something like that,
and I started thinking I needed to buy a winter coat if I was going
to live there (MSP, maybe?)

It was very wierd. I did not like.

Article in LHJ called "6 steps to more happiness"

Step 1 is "reset your happiness setpoint" in which the author set up
goals in 8 areas:

physical
emotional
spiritual
financial
intellectual
professional
material
play


I thought that was a good way to divide up life/goals. But I am so
engrained in habits of denial and failure and misery that I really
can't think of any goals I have in any of those areas, let alone a
true-to-life evaluation of my self as I stand, within those 8 areas.
Thomasrhymer's LJ said something about how denial is the worst form
of insanity because its very nature prevents growth. I think I agree,
but the alternative seems to be excruciating pain, so I'd rather
stick with the denial.

I went looking thru back entries in sineater's LJ. I found a very good,
sad one...I replied that I understood and I felt this way too. I'm
sure it's not going to elicit any kind of response. Oh well.

Squid Boy (sineater) wrote,
@ 2003-10-07 15:58:00





Current mood: crushed

I honestly don't know why I keep trying.
I wish right now that I did not care.

Answer me, god damn it. Are we reduced to nothing but pleasantries
and small talk?

Have I been wrong all this time?

or have i simply failed you

let me clarify:
i feel that i am worth nothing and less than nothing to you.
that i am not worth being a friend to you any more

i ask
but you never answer me
it hurts.

i know you are having trouble.
let me bear some of it for you
i know you are in pain
let me heal what i can.

please

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I know this feeling.
bramblekite
2005-06-29 15:59
I have felt it towards you...more than once.
*hugs* I still love you. I still wish you love, happiness, and
success. For my own safety and sanity, however, I am now operating at
a remove from most family members.

I am sure this wasn't aimed at me...but I figured I'd tell you you
aren't the only one who has felt this way.

Love you.