1386New Moon Energy (lack thereof)

May 4, 2003

 

 

I don't even know what to say about this past weekend. I took
Thursday and Friday off because I was planning on going to Io Pan Jam
at Recreation Plantation. Then I just...didn't. Thursday I spent
wayyyyy too much $ on getting stuff together for my poly big
fun 'edible bedroom goodies' workshop, and made the stuff. Friday I
got up, got on the road, was just going to go out for the day, and I
got to Brodie Ln. and that was it. I just couldn't go on. I was all
panicking & full of anxiety, didn't want to go at all...just couldn't
stand the idea. So I turned around and went home.

Saturday I got up and went out to Poly Big fun. Bastrop state park is
cool. The group barracks are cook & the kitchen is nice. Came in on
the 1st workshop of the day, down by the big fire circle. Saw
Jonathan ,hugged him. Listened. 2nd workshop. 3rd workshop. Just
didn't get any more energy or enthusiasm for being there, wasn't open
to what was around me, to the people who might have been good to
meet...Just wasn't. TAvalon said (for the 4th or 5th time) "I
don't believe I've ever met you, I'm Terri" (Holding her hand out
like Le Grande Dame being introduced to some street sweeping)...

I kind of snapped at her (stupid I Know) and said something
like "Yes, you have, several times," and turned away. She confronted
me about it later, in a very nice way, and I was chickenshit about it
and just said I wasn't feeling very sociable and it was nothing
personal. Which...true to a point, but also it is hurtful to keep
meeting someone who is fairly important in the poly community & well
thought of by everyone, who can't be bothered to remember you from
one time to the next.

It isn't rational...I mean, I *am* nobody. Who the hell gives a damn
about me. I always thought that one Smiths song was so brilliant and
perfect for me: "I don't mind, I don't mind if you forget me/ having
learned my lesson, I never left an impression on anyone"...and here I
am having perfected the art of invisibility & self-effacement, being
pissed off because it worked. :( stupid stupid stupid. And a really
dark, nasty part of me suspects that she is just that way towards me
because one of her SO's (Galen) seems to like me and apparently talks
about me to other people. :( Which is really wrong and evil to think.
It isn't about me!!! It really ISN'T. She is important and has a lot
going on in her existence. I am NOT important and have nothing to do
with her existence, so why should she remember me? I guess I'd be
better with her if she just re-introduced herself, without asserting
that we'd never met before every time. I know I forget names a lot,
but I usually remember faces, so I just re-introduce myself & if I
can remember where I might have met the person before, say "I think
we met at Appleang and Mouser's picnic last year..." or whatever.

So...my workshop was OK. People were pretty timid, which surprised
me. Most people didn't stay until the end. I won't be doing that
again any time soon.

Harold asked me how I got into poly, I explained that I'd met Mouser
at PNO & thought he was cool, met Apple, loved her to death, met
other polys & thought they were all so intelligent and nice and fun
and attractive and wonderful, but I'm just basically a "Poly groupie"
at this point. And then he said something like "you see, this, Poly
Big Fun, is for polys to find other polys to date"...and so I got
peeved and defensive and said something like "So I should just leave
now?" and he kind of laughed and said "No, no"...but, really, I
should have. Just fucking left. I was not giving out any good vibes,
being with nice people who like me wasn't helping me any and wasn't
doing them any good to be around my negative self...so I should have.

I stuck it out until after dinner. Did some dishes & cleanup, then
took off.

Today I'm feeling a little better. Went to the gingerman for Blue
Dog's 'pints for pups' fundraiser & to the Pecan St. festival. Didn't
get to the gym or to the park for Drandmir's sunday sparring stuff.
Ah well.