From emails to Jen, Dee, Rio
-----------------------
Subject: trauma
Well, yesterday my SIL went completely batshit bugfuck. Holly & I
were supposed to go riding with them. So we went over to their nasty
little trailer house and stood around while they finished getting
ready, then we followed them out to the ranch where the horses are
boarded. E, Holly & I went out to get the horses & A stayed
with the trailer & truck. The horses were not much interested in
coming with E, they kept walking further and further away from
him. So he decided to lure them up to the front gate by wheeling out
the wheelbarrow that the foreman uses to feed the horses, luring them
in by making them think it was dinnertime. He went to the barn to get
the wheelbarrow, and Holly and I went to look at the other horses,
sit in the shade, and just kind of stay out of the way to let him do
his thing. A went down to the gate of the pasture and started
yelling at him to do this and do that and don't let them go in the
woods, bla bla. Holly and I just stayed in the shade and tried to
enjoy the other horses while all this drama is going on. So they
finally catch the horses and bring them up to the trailer to go to
the park & go riding. A walks back from the gate and she is red-
faced and pouting like I've never seen. She informs us that there
was 'a failure to communicate' and explains that E didn't do what
she told him to do, bla bla. So I'm all like "Well, the horses are
here now, so we'll just follow y'all to wherever we're going to
ride".
So she drives like a maniac to the park in Round Rock, taking turns
too sharply, etc, and when we get there, the animals are a little
distressed. Jessie, E's horse, is totally sweating. So E
decides to rinse her off before putting her saddle & stuff on. So off
he goes to do that. I ask A when she has to leave to go back to
her new job in CA. She says she quit, because when she got there they
told her she was going to have to work 17 hour days 7 days a week.
And, besides, the guy was acting like he was going to fire her
anyway, so she quit instead of being fired. bla bla. Whatever.
E comes back and says he needs some help managing Jessie and the
water bucket, etc. So off she goes. Holly & I stay with Mirage &
brush & comb her. A while later, we hear A screaming and crying
and carrying on. They walk out of our line of sight, and I hear
a 'slap'. Sounded like skin on skin, but since the horse was wet, it
could have been her hitting the horse. They get back and A tells
us that Jessie smacked her upside the head (turns out that Jessie
tossed her head and A's head just happened to be in the way).
She tells E to put Jessie in the trailer and we'll all just take
turns riding Mirage, since E can't control his horse. Holly says
she doesn't want to do that, because it's too hot and she doesn't
want Jessie locked in the trailer out in the heat. I suggest that if
Jessie is being a discipline problem, the best thing to do might be
for E to put her thru some exercises and re-assert himself as the
boss. So, she orders E to bring Jessie back out of the trailer and
tie her to a tree, and to make her watch Mirage being put thru some
warmup exercises. E tries to warm up Mirage, but can't get her up
to a trot. So A takes over and walks/trots Mirage around a bit.
We notice that Jessie has gotten a sore spot on her lip, don't know
from what. A starts talking about how the injury just goes to
show how out of control the horse is, if she can't even be tied to a
tree without hurting herself, and then she starts telling E that
they're not going anywhere or doing anything until he can demonstrate
that Jesse is under control. (all of her orders are being issued in
this hollow, just-got-done-crying voice, with occasional hiccups/sobs-
-she is way freaked out)
Holly says she wants to go back to L& B's. I tell E and
A we are going, hug him bye. He says he's sorry he's such a
fuckup, or somesuch, and I grab him and look him right in the eye and
say, "you are wonderful and I love you. There are lots of people in
the world who are going to say ugly things to you and about you, and
you do not need to be one of them"
I hug A bye, too, but she doesn't hug back. Holly says bye to
E and the two horses, but not to Andrea. As we get around behind
A she hollers something about how nobody's leaving until
everyone is clear on exactly what happened here. I wave it off, I
don't want to hear it. But E does a 'come here' gesture, so we
stand a moment. E says "I messed up, I lost control of my horse,
(mumble mumble)". I say "I'm sorry that happened, I'm really sorry
that happened" and we get in teh car and flee for our lives.
Stopping on the way to L&B's for a 6 pack of beer and some potato
chips. I pound 2 as soon as we get to L&B's. Holly says she
feels sick and goes to lay down. So I finish her beer and wait for
L to get back.
I am seriously traumatized from yesterday. It was the worst I've ever
seen SIL. I am pretty sure something happened in CA that she's
not talking about, because nothing that happened yesterday was enough
to warrant the extreme, red-faced, out-of-control freaking out that
was going on.
L says I need to distance myself from it, because it hurts me too
much to watch E being abused like that. I know she is right, but
at the same time, I've got this 'battlefield' mentality of NOT
wanting to leave someone I care about out in the open, drawing enemy
fire, while I'm safe in the foxhole. Ya know? But...E is a
grownup. He has made his own decisions in life, and he must be
getting something from the relationship that makes it worth hanging
out while she is screaming and crying and hitting him/threatening to
hit him.
*sigh* I am very very sad. But I have to go to work, so I can't drink
more beer :P
Holly, I think, said it best when she said that watching them in
action makes her very grateful for the people she has in her life;
not just Jimmy (I guess they didn't break up after all?) but all the
normal, caring relationships she has.
I guess, in order to make whatever peace I can with this, I will have
to take the Holly point of view & be grateful for my loved ones and
all the sane, healthy relationships I have. Grateful that I grew up
knowing I was worth something and that nobody has the right to scream
at me or hit me or make me feel like shit about myself.
I sent this to E last nite. No response so far.
-------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 4 Aug 2002 22:22:08 -0500 (CDT)
From: E
To: E
Subject: Sunday
I feel really bad about whatever happened earlier today. It was very
uncomfortable and distressing for Holly & me to be there while it was
going on. We love you, we want you to be happy and safe and have a
wonderful life, and we just could not be around you while things were
so unhappy and unsafe.
We talked a bit on the way back to L&B's, and I think we both felt
very helpless and didn't feel like we could do or say anything to
help things get better, and Holly was almost at a point where she
felt like she needed to say something that probably would have been
taken the wrong way by both of you and just made everything worse. I,
too, was at a point where I felt like I was going to lose my
composure. And that did not need to happen on top of everything else
that was going on. So we left.
Please do not feel like I was abandoning you or disapproving of you.
I just could not do anything to help other than get the heck out of
the way before we added anything worse to the mix.
Holly & I love you and care about you immensely. I am very sorry that
things today were so unpleasant. I wish there had been something we
could have done to help...
Love you!
-E
Call me if you want to talk?
Mon 12:43 evile: Hey. *hugs* how are you feeling today?
Mon 13:02 evile: brb-restroom, etc
---
At some point she went "N/A" on me. What a fricken wackjob.
775Today's Library Visit:
Fruitcake - R J Kaiser
Bloody Bones - Laurel Hamilton
A chill in the Blood - P N Elrod
Lady Crymsyn - P N Elrod
Dancing Up the Moon - Roben Heerens Lysne
A Woman's Journey to God - Joan Borysenko
Their computers were down, so they had to date stamp stuff like in
the good ol' days. I'm sure I'll get dinged for something late or not
returned, or whatever. Again. :(
I am also wondering if Holly has plans for the evening. Dinner with
everyone? or just her dad, or just wants to stay home & pack.
I have to get my outfits & lunches together for the week. I didn't do
it this weekend.
*sigh* I am trying not to be upset about the SIL debacle. kind of
pissed that she didn't bother to say anything back to me on ICQ, but
that's so childish. who cares?
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