218 "betrayal bonds" -from non bp nook

 

•  

  "Exploitive relationships create betrayal bonds. These occur when a
  victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her. The worst
  is a mind numbing highly addictive attachment to the people who have
  hurt you. You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed
  efforts. You strive to do better as your life slips away in a swirl
  of the intensity. These attachments cause you to distrust your own
  judgement, distort your own realities and place yourself at even
  greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yourself against
  further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. These
  attachments have a name. They are called betrayal bonds. A number of
  signs indicate the presence of a betrayal bond:
  
  1.When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you
  continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
  2.When there is a constant pattern of non-performance yet you
  continue to believe false promises.
  3.When there are repetitive destructive fights that nobody wins.
  4.When others are horrified by something that happens to you and you
  are not
  5.When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about
  you, your relationship, or the person's treatment of you
  6.When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing
  is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it
  7.When you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that
  are damaging to others
  8.When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with
  the desire to converting them to a non-abuser
  9.When someones talents, charisma or contributions cause you to
  overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts
  10.When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust,
  like or care for them
  11.When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to a point of
  nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you
  12.When extraordinary demands are placed on you to measure up as away
  to cover up that you've been exploited
  13.When you keep secret someones destructive behavior toward you
  because of all the good they have done or the importance of their
  position or career
  14.When the history of your relationship is about contracts or
  promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook"
  
  
  The book is "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.

 

219 New Year's Day Dreams

 

• Jan. 2, 2002

   

  I dreamt about doing my applications for CMA and PACT on the night of
  the 30th.
  
  I dreamt about Monica on the 31st/1st. That she had bad teeth & was
  hitting on me & had one of the genital deformities on that POE page.
  Ew. I dunno why I dream such wierd things.
  
  *sigh* I am tired & full of coughs.
  
  The side door that I always come in at work is now locked. I tried to
  open it this a.m. and it didn't work and this guy that was just
  hanging out by the loading dock said 'Use your badge!" all yelling at
  me. Then the vending machine guy let me in, so I didn't have to use
  my badge after all. What a great security system we have.
  
  *sigh*

220"Abusive Expectations"

 

 

• Jan. 2, 2002

   

  Or is it so much what it says in
  http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/bpd_abuse.htm
  and I quote
  
  "ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: People with BPD generally lack self-soothing
  skills - they are unable to calm themselves and typically look for
  this soothing from their partners. The person with BP may place
  unreasonable demands on their partner and want the partner to put
  everything else aside to tend to their needs. People with BPD expect
  that relationships will ease the chronic emptiness they feel, and can
  become resentful and enraged when the relationship fails to meet
  their every need. Abusive relationship expectations may include
  demands for constant attention, frequent sex, a requirement that you
  spend all your free time with the person, or give up everything else
  in your life. Because these expectations are based in the chemical /
  emotional imbalance no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
  You may be subjected to constant criticism, and are berated because
  you can't fulfill all this person's needs."

221 finances

 

• Jan. 2, 2002

   

  Well, I'm all settled out with last year's credit card & payment
  database, and got 2002's started.
  
  Last year, I started 2001 with $5482.22 in debt
  I ended 2001 with $7765.05 in debt
  I paid $7018.75 towards my credit cards in 2001
  
  That is a lot of fucking money.
  
  I don't even know what I'd do with 7 grand in 'real money' in 'real
  life'.
  
  I know I don't need to make any resolutions & get all pissy and
  depressed and self-hating when they don't work out, but I am going to
  TRY to get my personal debts to ZERO by July of this year. Then I
  will have 5 months to work on getting my Magpie debts to 0 by
  December.
  
  No big Xmas spending orgy in December.
  
  No Faire this year.
  
  No big spending this year.
  
  No travel this year.
  
  ALL extra money goes to the debts.
  
  I will be doing very well if I can get away from the debts and put
  away the $ I am currently blowing on Credit Cards & Interest into
  savings instead. I could have a respectable nest egg in just a few
  years. OR I could have some new furniture, etc. Hm. Anyway. I want to
  get out from under the credit cards. Period.