(no subject)

[evile]

bah.

I just got unfriended by someone I have always liked, but not spent much time with.

I think it's probably because of what I wrote about shopping for clothes & how being overweight has limited my options and shopping for clothes that don't make me look like an old lady, a young slut, or like I'm wearing furniture slipcovers is challenging.

Fat is really An Issue for some folks, but in my experience, Fat is shorthand for a lot of societal ills regarding judgements & expectations of women and for a lot of internal bugaboos related to self-care, sexuality, and the like. Pretty big cause and effect/feedback loop there. Chicken/egg type stuff.

For me, Fat Itself means: I'm physically healthy, but I still can't find nice clothes. Some peole think I'm sexy, some people think I'm disgusting, I've probably gotten jobs, gotten laid, made friends all because of how I look, I've probably also NOT been hired, NOT gotten laid, and made enemies because of how I look. Same as everyone else, basically. Fat is not a special snowflake kind of thing.

For society, me being fat means: I'm sloppy, I'm lazy, I stink, I'm desperate for sex and/or lousy in the sack, I can't do work as well as a skinny person in my same job, I don't deserve to be paid as much as a skinny peson in my same job (or a man in my same job, but that's another thing, related to but not the same as fat), I'm ugly, etc.

The social baggage of Fat is where you get the self-hating and feelings of worthlessness and inferiority and all of that garbage. And also where you get the fat activists and fat admirers and various permutations and variations on the pathologization of the female body that is so very pervasive and so very wrong.

Anyway, sometimes I get self hating. Sometimes I just get angry at the world in general for not having reasonable clothing that fits me. Sometimes I write about it in LJ. And apparently this person didn't want to read it anymore.

*shrug*

I'm a little bit sorry for hurting her feelings, but mostly just 'meh, my journal.'

I guess that's wrong. Oh well.

(plus, if she won't talk to me, how do I really know what's going on? Maybe my assumptions are dead wrong and she's just locking down her F-list to a smaller group of people she actually spends RL time with, or whatever. Who knows? )

Comments

[in-quinecorners.livejournal.com]

(plus, if she won't talk to me, how do I really know what's going on? Maybe my assumptions are dead wrong and she's just locking down her F-list to a smaller group of people she actually spends RL time with, or whatever. Who knows? )

She does, presumably. Have you asked her?

*hugs*

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

yeah..but see, to me unfriending means "I dont want to talk to you anymore and I dont want to hear anything you have to say,"

so....asking her seems pretty rude and intrusive.

Say what you will about me, when I get kicked to the curb, at least I stay there.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

&, honestly, I'm not up to hearing what a big bag of poop I am because I did or said...whatever it was...

Being beaten up and yelled at for thinking and feeling whatever I think and feel is not really going to change how I think or what I feel...it's just going to make me feel beat up in addition to feeling and thinking whatever I thought in the first place.

I'm not up for that. At all.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

back to that whole 'apologies' thing that I went round and round on...

I do feel bad if someone is upset as a result of something I said.

But that doesn't change who I am, what I think, or what I feel.

So...I don't really know what to do when someone gives me the boot without telling me why. Then again, I dont' really know what to do when someone gives me the boot and tells me what I did wrong.

I can say that I've had LOTS more experience with just being chucked without a word than with being yelled at and then thrown away.

Either way, it doesn't change me.

...and I'm really not sure it should.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

After all, isn't "honesty" what everyone says that they want, need, and prefer?

So why is it that me being honest ends up making people shut me out?

...anyway, I'm fretting about this far more than I should.

back to work.

[elizagoth.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart-

It's your combination of honesty and introspection that makes me love you as much as I do. For what it's worth, I completely related to your words.

I can understand being very much an all or nothing flavor. I think I'm that way for many people I've met through the years. They either don't know what to make of me, adore me, or find me completely intolerable.

I have no idea about the unfriend-er. All I can suggest is that you wish her well in your heart and keep being you.

*HUGS*
-ivy

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That sounds exactly right.

Love ya & miss ya, too.

[in-quinecorners.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Well, to me, unfriending doesn't always or even most of the time mean that. If I were her...well, in that case I might have considered explaining to people why I was unfriending them. If I didn't, then that's my bad, but still, I would rather someone ask me why I did it than make assumptions about it.

But of course, I am not, in fact, her.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I'm better today. I shouldn't have written this post, I should have just let the bad feelings sit and settle and made sense of things today.

I've unfriended plenty of people, most of them not for any particular dislike or offense, and they didn't throw giant dramatic hissy fit over it, so I was just being ridiculous.

Her business, and I don't hate her for it or anything.

No harm no foul, it's just LJ.

[oracle-tx.livejournal.com]

Low weight and good BMI or whatever do not necessarily mean healthy. I think people need to get this through their heads. Your cholesterol numbers are better than mine the last time I had a physical, which were just a little off of good, and most people will probably look at both of us and pick me out as the healthy one. My father had just a bit more belly than I do, and some years back his cholesterol was close to 800. That is when the doctors look at you and say, "How the hell are you still alive? Your heart is pumping butter, and somehow you're still standing." I think he was 5'10" or so and probably weighed less than I do (~177). He tweaked his diet and got some medication so no worries now, but I think that makes the point that appearance doesn't even come close to telling the whole story.

I will confess that I find DD man-boobs a little disturbing. I dunno why.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I will confess that I find DD man-boobs a little disturbing. I dunno why.

That's easy. Cuz you're a hetero guy, getting a visually stimulating sex cue from a guy.

oogy!!

I think healthy happy people don't need to have a certain weight or appearance....but there are a lot of social stereotypes that don't agree.

I think it's hard to live in this society and not occasionally fall into those thought patterns. Most of the time I feel Ok about myself. Some days I don't. When I was a size 10-12, younger, and conventionally pretty, guess what? I still had days I felt OK about myself and days I felt fat and hideous.

It really doesn't have anything to do with weight, it has to do with whether or not you're internalizing the messages that society/media/fashion is sending about how ugly and fat you are if you aren't Kate Moss. fuck those people, fuck'em right in the ear.

[oracle-tx.livejournal.com]

That's easy. Cuz you're a hetero guy, getting a visually stimulating sex cue from a guy.

No, there isn't anything even slightly stimulating about it. I think it might be something like never wanting to look like that myself.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

no, see, your mind says 'NO way, that's a dude," but your biology is still programmed to say "BOOOOOOBIES!!! YAY!!!" so the conflict of it makes you go 'ook'

and, of course, yah, you are like "No way I ever want to have those" (espcially not with a family history of cholestoro.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

In response to your still-screened comment....

Well, at least you're an equal-opportunity objectifier of women.

The point I was trying to make is that fat is just fat. Like glasses or freckles or height, it's just part of who I am. I'd be uncomfortable spending time with someone who either HATED or LOVED any one of those things.

I'd prefer to be liked or disliked based on who I am, and not my orifices or what pleasures my body can give a man or whatever other things that I consider merely a facet of who I am and what I have to offer a friendship or relationship.

If someone rejects me due to appearance, tehy are a shallow cunt who didn't deserve me, anyway.

If someone desires me due to my appearance (ONLY--to the exclusion of my mind, personality, common interests, compatibility, etc), that's also the mark of a shallow cunt who doesn't deserve me. (but, I guess, harder to weed out)

I feel sorry for anyone who gets so hung up on one thing (be it fatties, skinnies, boobs, hair color, height, clothing choices) that they can't bother to get to know people as humans but only think of them as a means to gratify themselves.

Sad, really. And annoying.

[emmainfiniti.livejournal.com]

Body issues are always fair game in blogs - especially those of us with a vajayjay have a substantial amount of brain time devoted to thinking about our bodies.
Try not to assume negative stuff about the un-friender.You really don't know what her motives are. I have had people un-friend me because I have given offense, because I haven't replied to their comments, because they got drunk and un-friended everyone, because I said I wouldn't fuck them, and some I just don't know why.
I think you are a beautiful, complex, enigmatic person.
I hope if I ever give offense that you will talk with me about it before writing me off. I would hate to let a misunderstanding cause grief.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Try not to assume negative stuff about the un-friender.You really don't know what her motives are.

True. I'm better today. I probably shouldn't blog about stuff that distresses me until 24 hours after it's happened, to give it perspective.

Thanks. I tend to think that the people who are closer and better friends are the ones who WILL speak up and give a reality check, or say "hey, you're being a twat," or whatever needs to be said.

I am all for honesty, but some subjects of conversation are triggery for some people and I should be more aware and sensitive about that. I am not wrong or evil to say and think and feel what I do...just maybe not all the time, to every person in the world.

ps

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

"beautiful, complex, enigmatic"

me??

*blush*

Thank you :)

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

"For society, me being fat means: ... and/or lousy in the sack"

Dude, everyone knows fat girls are great in the sack. ;)

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

yeah, because they're just so grateful for the male attention that they get from putting out.

I know that story, too.

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

Well, you know, from my perspective, anything that leads to greatness in the sack is to be celebrated.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

:P

I'm not sure I agree with you (drugs? psychological torture?) but I thank you for sharing that opinion :)

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure which one of us this speaks to, but when I wrote my comment, drugs & psychological torture were not even remotely on my mind. :b

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

well, you did say "anything"...I was just citing examples of "anything" that someone might use to have "greatness in the sack"

YMMV.

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

There's been lots said here (mostly by you), but I wanted to tell you a little bit about Why I Like To Read Your LJ:

You're willing to call bullshit when it's appropriate. I like people who will call bullshit when that's appropriate, especially when it's needed, whether it's about something one person said or about something society as a mass is doing.

And if I need to be called on my bullshit, either as my own individual self, or a member of society as a mass, I'm fairly certain that you'll do it. And while it may sting, it'll at least get me to stop and think. And being provoked into thought is, in general, good, IMO.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)