Writer's Block: It's Too Late to Apologize
May. 7th, 2008 09:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evile[Error: unknown template qotd]
"I'm sorry" never fixes anything. A lot of people seem to think that those two words can get them out of facing the consequences for any egregious behavior, and that's just not the way it is.
"I'm sorry" is said so often and with so little feeling by most people that it's become like the people who pass you in the hall and say "how are you," without pausing to hear the answer, because it's reflexive. It's no longer a question that they want the answer to, it's just a polite noise they make when your bodies pass.
Other words that risk becoming reflexive are "excuse me" and "I love you"...if said with feeling and consideration, they are the nicest words in the world. If they are just said as an end-run attempt to get past personal responsibility, they are offensive at best and insults at worst.
What fixes something is "I'm sorry," followed by words that indicate they understand what was said or done to cause offense, and perhaps more words and actions that indicate a desire to improve, change, or otherwise not do the same thing again. IE: some concrete words or actions to show that they actually do FEEL SORROW as a result of their words or actions' harmful effect on the other person.
We can nit pick semantics and intent and cause-effect if we want, go the Eleanor Roosevelt route of "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission,"...but the truth of the matter is that, yes, people CAN make you feel bad. We are interconnected and interdependent. The actions and words of others DO hurt.
If someone keeps on slapping us around, insulting us, ignoring us, treating us badly, and then follows up with "I'm sorry," ...that's pretty empty and meaningless. The words don't fix anything. A change has to come along with the words.
Take all this with as much salt as necessary. I have lots of issues with apologies and forgiveness, in general, and I've rarely, if ever, been able to get it right.
Oh, and to answer the question more concretely and less philosophically: yes. There are 2 people in this world whose actions have been so unremittingly selfish, abusive, insane, and evil that I will NEVER forgive them. Not for what was done to me, personally, but for what I had to see my loved ones go through as a result of trying to cope with the fallout from those actions. Damage that has been passed down to a new generation of wounded innocents. Apologies will never even come close to 'fixing' it.
"I'm sorry" never fixes anything. A lot of people seem to think that those two words can get them out of facing the consequences for any egregious behavior, and that's just not the way it is.
"I'm sorry" is said so often and with so little feeling by most people that it's become like the people who pass you in the hall and say "how are you," without pausing to hear the answer, because it's reflexive. It's no longer a question that they want the answer to, it's just a polite noise they make when your bodies pass.
Other words that risk becoming reflexive are "excuse me" and "I love you"...if said with feeling and consideration, they are the nicest words in the world. If they are just said as an end-run attempt to get past personal responsibility, they are offensive at best and insults at worst.
What fixes something is "I'm sorry," followed by words that indicate they understand what was said or done to cause offense, and perhaps more words and actions that indicate a desire to improve, change, or otherwise not do the same thing again. IE: some concrete words or actions to show that they actually do FEEL SORROW as a result of their words or actions' harmful effect on the other person.
We can nit pick semantics and intent and cause-effect if we want, go the Eleanor Roosevelt route of "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission,"...but the truth of the matter is that, yes, people CAN make you feel bad. We are interconnected and interdependent. The actions and words of others DO hurt.
If someone keeps on slapping us around, insulting us, ignoring us, treating us badly, and then follows up with "I'm sorry," ...that's pretty empty and meaningless. The words don't fix anything. A change has to come along with the words.
Take all this with as much salt as necessary. I have lots of issues with apologies and forgiveness, in general, and I've rarely, if ever, been able to get it right.
Oh, and to answer the question more concretely and less philosophically: yes. There are 2 people in this world whose actions have been so unremittingly selfish, abusive, insane, and evil that I will NEVER forgive them. Not for what was done to me, personally, but for what I had to see my loved ones go through as a result of trying to cope with the fallout from those actions. Damage that has been passed down to a new generation of wounded innocents. Apologies will never even come close to 'fixing' it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I like this reply. a lot. None of us are innocent.
Date: 2008-05-07 05:26 pm (UTC)Re: I like this reply. a lot. None of us are innocent.
Date: 2008-05-07 05:27 pm (UTC)