1608Re: no $

[evile]

 

Sep. 9, 2003

 

anhedonia

My life isn't miserable. But it increasingly seems that there are no
rewards for good behavior and no punishments for bad. No raises at
work for 2 years worth of "outstanding" performance reviews.
Occasional threats, but no removal of internet access for abuse of
work computer.

My personal life mirrors this. Despite the ongoing (admittedly,
sporadic at times) efforts towards thinness, I maintain at right
about 30lbs more than I want to have. Frumpy but not circus freaky. I
walk the border between regular stores & fat stores. Neither have
much of a selection for my size.

Despite ongoing (and yet again, sporadic) efforts, I maintain a debt
load that is about the same as it was last year, and the year before
that, and the year before that.

It's like dishes & laundry. No matter how many loads you do there are
more loads to do. And it never ends. And there are no rewards. Other
than the absence of filth in that particular area of life, perhaps.

There are things I'd like to do, but no $. There are things that need
to be done, but no $ to do them either. And of course I'd feel
obligated to do the things that need doing before the things that I
want to do.

There is no pain, opression, or abuse.

But there is no pleasure, either.

Maybe normal people go home from a day of doing the same thing
they've been doing for years with a happy smile. Maybe normal people
put away the last of the clean laundry with a blissful sigh. To
normal people, maybe everyday things are pleasurable to an extent
that they aren't for me.

For me, the things that give pleasure are inherently harmful, so they
can't be used as rewards. No "celebration milkshake" for losing 4
pounds. No amazon.com shopping spree to celebrate NOT using my
plastic for a month. Using pathology to reward non-pathological
behavior is pathological.

Life these days is all about doing what needs to be done, what should
be done, what won't be done unless I do it. Nothing is fun.
Everything good gets put off to 'someday'.

Welcome to being an adult, E. "Virtue is its own reward," my ass.

Comments

1610Re: no $

[evile]

Sep. 9, 2003


this was me to J-Law:

It's only 2:33, I am *so* ready to go home. It's
gotten to the point where home kinda sucks, too. I
only have maybe 5 hours a day during the week to be at
home, awake & possibly cleaning, and Sweetie has ALL DAY
to make messes. *sigh* And he is hanging on to this
whole "IT or Bust" mentality that is just
not...reasonable... in this economy. Sysadmins are
making minimum wage, IF they can get jobs as sysadmins
at all. He did R&D lab stuff at a paper company in PA
when I met him. The actual materials would be
different, but lab protocols are the same everywhere.
You learn it in chem. class, ya know? He is just
making me...crazy. There *is* logic to his point that
he is making more in UI benefits than he would at
minimum wage, but that is about to run out. If he
doesn't get off his ass and get SOMETHING, even if it
is 'beneath' him or 'not on [his] career path' I don't
know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I've dated loser
deadbeat users and paid for everything before, but I
thought I'd picked someone better than that...and now
it's looking like I just picked another lazy-assed
loser user. Go, me.

J-Law's reply:

*hugs*

You're right - Sweetie could/should be looking at all of his options. In
addition to the lab experience, his IT knowledge/skills/experience
have to be somewhat translatable to something else; if only in
the "must have two years working in a professional environment" or
whatever context

1611Re: no $

[evile]

evilE
Sep. 10, 2003


Me to J-Law:

Sweetie was being super negative last night, hates our
neighborhood, hates our house, bla bla. I asked if I
should find a way to buy him out of his half of the
house, and that kind of shut him up for a while. (His
answer, btw, was "don't YOU want to move, too?"--not
much of an answer) He was nicer and less negative for
the rest of the evening. Put a new belt on the vacuum
cleaner like I asked him to 2 days ago. *sigh* I don't
want to use ultimatums or the threat of ultimatums to
get him to do stuff...but it *was* somewhat
effective...Yuck.
=============
J-Law's reply:

The ultimatum thing is a toughie. The fact that it works is great,
but you know, with guys and all their passive-aggressive shit, they
will do it (so it looks like the ultimatum works in the short term)
but inside, they are seething, resentful, whatever (so maybe it isn't
effective in the long term). The suck thing is, you'll never
know 'cuz he'll never say anything.

The "I hate this place" thing reminds me of Rick. He did that when we
all lived in Bay Point, and he does it now, too. Very hard to listen
to - there's no reasoning with it. But, I think you had a good
answer.

Work is going okay. Chugging along. I am v. much looking forward to
the weekend. I haven't really had a whole weekend to myself in a
couple of weeks (McBitchface strategizing, firm picnic....) I am
broke, which is actually good because it means I'll stick around home
and, hopefully, clean.

*hugs*
========================================
Me to J-Law:

It's funny, but I have tons less stuff than Sweetie, so it'd be a lot
easier for me to leave the house. But...I don't want to. I love it. I
have lots of projects I want to do with it whenever I get the $ and
time. I love Sweetie, too...he's just hard to live with sometimes.

I have no real plans or expectations for the weekend. I should clean,
but I can't clean when Sweetie's at home. Everytime I lug a trash bag or
a dustpan full of crap past his sittin-on-the-computer-ass, I just
get filled with homicidal rage. I have always been the only cleaner
in the house, I will always be the only cleaner in the house...I know
this and I accept that if I want a clean house, I am the one who
needs to clean...but for some reason *seeing* him doing nothing while
I work my ass off and my back into a knot of pain just enrages me.
Whereas working in an empty house generally makes me pretty cheerful
& happy (still hurts my back, though). Even though its the same
house, same mess. ??? Bizarre, no?