1608Re: no $

[evile]

 

Sep. 9, 2003

 

anhedonia

My life isn't miserable. But it increasingly seems that there are no
rewards for good behavior and no punishments for bad. No raises at
work for 2 years worth of "outstanding" performance reviews.
Occasional threats, but no removal of internet access for abuse of
work computer.

My personal life mirrors this. Despite the ongoing (admittedly,
sporadic at times) efforts towards thinness, I maintain at right
about 30lbs more than I want to have. Frumpy but not circus freaky. I
walk the border between regular stores & fat stores. Neither have
much of a selection for my size.

Despite ongoing (and yet again, sporadic) efforts, I maintain a debt
load that is about the same as it was last year, and the year before
that, and the year before that.

It's like dishes & laundry. No matter how many loads you do there are
more loads to do. And it never ends. And there are no rewards. Other
than the absence of filth in that particular area of life, perhaps.

There are things I'd like to do, but no $. There are things that need
to be done, but no $ to do them either. And of course I'd feel
obligated to do the things that need doing before the things that I
want to do.

There is no pain, opression, or abuse.

But there is no pleasure, either.

Maybe normal people go home from a day of doing the same thing
they've been doing for years with a happy smile. Maybe normal people
put away the last of the clean laundry with a blissful sigh. To
normal people, maybe everyday things are pleasurable to an extent
that they aren't for me.

For me, the things that give pleasure are inherently harmful, so they
can't be used as rewards. No "celebration milkshake" for losing 4
pounds. No amazon.com shopping spree to celebrate NOT using my
plastic for a month. Using pathology to reward non-pathological
behavior is pathological.

Life these days is all about doing what needs to be done, what should
be done, what won't be done unless I do it. Nothing is fun.
Everything good gets put off to 'someday'.

Welcome to being an adult, E. "Virtue is its own reward," my ass.