2379trust/respect issues in the relationship

[evile]

Jul. 20, 2004

 

 

I asked Sweetie to clean the guest bathroom. He didn't do it. Tonight is
wings & beer night with Jaime, tomorrow is Ubergoobers, Thursday ?,
and Friday my family will be here. Should I trust him to finish the
job or just do it myself?

This a.m. he lolled around in bed until 6:56 and then decided to get
a shower before taking me to work!! We need to leave the house at 7
or a little after to get me to work on time. I freaked. I almost ran
out and got the bus. I was so upset and angry. I told him he's been
getting me to work later & later, and he didn't believe me. Said I
was calling him stupid and some other stuff I can't remember.

If he can't respect me enough to get me to work on time, and if I
can't trust him to get me to work on time...what the fuck are we
doing together?

I love him, but with no trust and no respect, why are we together?

I photocopied my work calendar from this month, where I write my
in/out times on each day. I am going to take it home & show it to
him.

This is what I've wasted 9 years of my life on. A filthy house that I
can't get clean because he's got too much junk and I don't know where
to put it. Someone who doesn't respect me enough to try to be
consistent about getting me to work. Someone I can't trust to do what
I ask him to do.

I'm so frustrated and sad right now...

Comments

2380my unsent letter

[evile]

Jul. 20, 2004


I can't stop crying. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my job,
and the one person I love and wanted to spend my life with is someone
I can't trust and who doesn't respect me enough to follow through and
do what they say they're going to do.

I have wasted the last 9 years of my life on loving this person.

I have wasted the last 6 years of my life on a job that's going
nowhere. No raise in 3 years, despite "outstanding" reviews every
time.

I am thinking of getting another job, both for the money and to keep
me out of the house.

Just a side-thought: There is something fundamentally fucking wrong
with Amerikkka when I am a degreed white collar worker and I am
having to get a second job to make ends meet.

A further tangent: There is something fundamentally wrong with
an 'empowering' philosophy of gender that sends you off to work in an
office 40 hours a week, but still expects you to be a perfect mom and
keep a perfect house, with no apparent expectation that the male
genetic donor to said offspring will do anything more than they've
always done, historically world without end amen. What BULLSHIT!!

But mostly it's just my life. I've got nothing to look forward to, no
reason to go on living, and the person who should be my hope and my
haven, my partner, lover and other half doesn't give one shit about
me, if we judge by actions rather than words.

2385Re: my unsent letter

[evile]

Jul. 21, 2004

J-Law:
*hugs* Definitely let things settle down for a few days.

It's very good that you all were able to have a nice time together,
and Sweetie's sympathy is a good sign...

But him wanting evidence only to ignore it (and leave you feeling
like you've got go all J. Edgar and start keeping a file?!?!) is
total crap.

=================================================================

evilE wrote:
I spent the morning working & staying away from the
web. It was pretty productive.

I don't know what I want. Do I really want to flush 9
years of my life, or is this thing save-able at all?
We went to dinner & had a nice enough time. He was
very sympathetic about my mercy-fuck money...but I
dont' want to spend the rest of my life confronting
him on his shit and being told that I'm lying, I'm
calling him stupid, and/or having my feelings
dismissed. Nor do I wish to meticulously document
everything to back up my feelings of being dismissed
by him. I said something last night about how every
time I ask him for help with something, he says "wait"
or "just a sec" but when he needs my help, I drop what
I'm doing and come help. He demanded citation of
dates/times/incidents to back this up. But, as with
the calendar, even if I shoved a paper document in his
face, recorded the interaction, he would just dismiss
or ignore it.