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re·spect
/rəˈspekt/
noun
noun: respect; plural noun: respects
- a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor"
- due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others."young people's lack of respect for their parents"
When normal / neurotypical/ non abusive people use the word, the 2nd usage is generally what we mean. We recognize other people as human beings, we regard their feelings, wishes, and rights as important, and we treat them accordingly.
What narcissists and abusers mean by ‘respect’ is something else entirely, more like definition #1 with a healthy dose of arrogance and entitlement.
Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.
The narcissist wishes to be treated, not as an equal, not as a fellow human being with feelings and rights equal to yours, but as an authority, ie: someone whose rights and wishes are above yours. They wish to be treated as someone to whom you owe obedience, deference, blind loyalty, and unending admiration and praise. So it offends them when you do not treat them in this exalted fashion.
Relationships with a narcissist are always about power and control. They want to have the power, they want to control you. Respect, to a narcissist, means that they are in control of you. You must allow them control in order to show ‘respect’ to them.
As you can see, they are using the word in a way that is not normal and that is why they claim that ordinary interactions are ‘disrespect’
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