Ennui

 doomscrolling friendface is actually starting to get old. Especially with their new update, it is glitching seriously on mobile devices so I"m only seeing the same 5 posts over and over, and 4 of them are ads. I don'y really know how to keep in touch with friends anymore and at this point in the pandemic/depression cycle, I'm starting to think why even bother trying to keep up with anyone, it's not like I'm going to see any of them (you) again.

 

The final straw in losing my last give-a-fuck about FB is the fact checking. They're notifying me about shit I posted months ago that they're either taking down or putting a 'fact check' notice on.

 

This downgrades your posts so that fewer of your friends can see you in between all the @#$@#$ ads.

 

My last factchecked item was something or another about "34 year old prime minister of bla bla country implements 4 day work week" and Facebook comes back with "Nuh-uh, she was elected when she was 34, but she proposed the legislation when she was 35, therefore you're a big fat liar!"

 

*giant eyeroll*

 

What next, they're going to start fact-checking my house posts as "Friendface has verified that this is NOT actually your new house! You're on double secret probation now!"

 

I guess the main question once I quit FB is ....what am I going to do with my time? I can't online shop, because my house is cluttered, I don't need anything, and I really shouldn't be spending money on dumb stuff.... cleaning house and decluttering feels like punishment unless I'm in a particular frame of mind, and I haven't had the attention span to read or do crafty things in ages.

 

blurgh. There was a thing on NPR today where they were interviewing an author who wrote a book about the mental health crisis in the world today. Basically, he says that by 2030 the main disease in the world will be depression. And that we can't medicate and treat our way out of it, we need a huge shift in our way of life and in how we give ourselves and our lives meaning.

He also mentioned some mental health thing that is less 'omg, GRIEF and DOOM and SADNESS than depression, but more pervasive and all consuming. I forget the word he used, but he said the French call it ennui. Boy, I had that one before it was cool, lemme tell ya. It's not immediate 'must kill self NOW' and it's not debilitating like depression where you can't function, can't get out of bed...it's just a 'going through the motions' with no joy, no expectation of happiness, no hope of anything ever getting better or life having meaning, just an unending state of 'meh'.

I used to call it 'killing time until time kills me' but that is when I was actually in a much worse place and probably should have called that place 'depression'..... ah well. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is bad. And I like spending time with the dogs and my husband very much. It's just hard to find joy in these times. and connection.

 

well, that was a lot. Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I miss you. I miss me. I hope we'll all be back together soon.